citrus

i want to feel overwhelmingly emotional, somehow...
it's not that i don't... it's just that the feelings have grown so much in the foreground that they seem to be more active in the background, if that makes sense,
but one of my long distant girl-friends recently wrote that our stupidities don't make much sense anyway, and maybe it's silly to focus on these feelings that rise like steam and fall like sleet then freeze then warm then thaw and trickle away.

someone had a conversation with me weeks ago about what we know.
i stand by, most of the time, that i don't know much...
but i know i love you~

i'm a better me than i was before.
what's before anyway besides a memory, and future can be fantasy.


i used to want long, femin-ish fingernails...
but i don't care anymore.
having them would be impractical, so i clip them off or bite them as they get in the way. however, i no longer take to chewing them when i'm nervous - funny how things work.

when i'm done with a shift in the kitchen, a salsa beat often echoes in my ears and my hair is frizzy from being under a napkin and sweating.

i love this life.

sometimes i get a glimpse of the southern skyline while i'm running errands in midtown. this view reminds me most that i'm in new york city. it puts a quick stop in my step and the realization is more poignant in those moments.
even here i'm lost in the day to day, but change still feels very new - and it's fast paced.
i feel as though my growth is exponential in comparison to where i was just weeks ago.
i recently celebrated two months ... i guess now i'm at about nine weeks in this new arrangement.

the past week has been so busy... crazy, even.
last tuesday, having ended again an assignment with a banking/brokerage firm, i met a girl-friend for dinner in an italian place on the west side.
we had delicious food and shared a bottle of wine i'm not too fond of.
she asked me for a favor and i obliged. i spent the night and the following day at her apartment in jersey to wait for a package she was anxious for. afterwards, i met another girl-friend in times square to see a movie her husband had scored tickets for because his company worked its digital sound. good flick, The Forgotten - some surprising moments... lots of gasping, a couple of screams, and startled jumps in the seat - though some of it was so super cheezy.
after the film i traveled into queens to see yet another girl-friend and help her sew for a fashion-school final she'd been running behind on. i was happy to help, but i was there for two and a half days.
i had been in my apartment for fifteen minutes, before a different girl-friend called me. i'd been missing her - she's grown to be one of my very closest friends, i didn't expect the relationship we've developed. she had been having a rough few days, so i ran to her, carrying supplies with me to prepare for a later night of dancing and celebration with the girl from queens and friends.
i managed to get from union square to chelsea piers without paying for the cab ride. what the hell? and then, in the parking lot, some guy asked who i was meeting, i told him friends, and he suggested i accompany him into the club since he knows the doormen. score!
my friends couldn't get in, though. they called from the outside, so i finished my drink and we went for dinner instead. i ended up staying the night with them and catching a semi-early train back to brooklyn.
i spent saturday caring for my landlord/neighbors two girls (precious, precious things) and listening to prayers from the other room for yom kippur.
what an experience! i wasn't fasting, so when i took a bite out of a cookie i was sharing with the oldest of the two children, the other kids in the room gawked at me. my landlord's wife commented on it - she said "you look jewish, and the kids know adults shouldn't be eating!"
i laughed.
i was happy to have her nearby while i adjusted again to child-care. it's been years since i did any babysitting and, while i'm comfortable with just the two girls at home, watching them amidst a dozen other children is distracting and i felt flustered at times.
as dusk approached the sound of prayers elevated alarmingly and then subsided. as i was on my way out the door, i heard the shofar blow and stopped to listen to the last prayers. it is really quite beautiful.
i'm studying hebrew and spanish these days, and learning a little at a time.
a friend was kind enough to leave me several books in hebrew, some of them cookbooks which heightens my motivation to learn them.
so far, i'm certain i know the words for soup, mother, father, house, house of, and tomatoes. not much, but more than before.
always getting better, from most aspects.

i haven't seen the play, but i imagine what it's about in my experience...
rent, how'm i going to make it!?

i don't sleep so much. i don't eat so much.
i'm trying to keep tabs on what i put in my body which doesn't necessarily mean i take as much care as i should. i notice that i have cravings for quick energy (ie. sugar) when i've gone for too-long periods of time without eating.

declining invitations to date is annoying.
maybe i should just start saying yes. but i don't really wanna.
i have agreed to go out on friday with someone. he wants to take me home and cook me dinner, watch a movie or something - i'm thinking this is a bad idea. this is the guy who has endearingly termed me "dangerous eyes". whatever the hell he means by that - i think my eyes are normal, they don't mean no harm.


what else, what else?

i miss dallas.
i had a very strong feeling of it a few days ago.
sleep deprived, standing in a diner waiting for eggs and wheat toast, earl grey and honey, i just wanted to hug my mom, i just wanted to drive downtown and hang out with my friends, i just wanted to see a movie at the magnolia and have gelato, i just wanted to chill in short sleeves at the lake, hike over to my favorite sunset vantage, i just wanted to be with my brother (the most important man in my life as of yet)...
it was strange.
i talked to my mother about winter plans to go down and visit.
i talked to sarah about a future plan for italy.
i talked to several people about exercising my passport. i don't know where i'll get the money but i have to keep all these things in mind.

but i love this life (did i say that already?)
and i know things change... so i'm still hanging on and letting go.

and i'm definitely still in love,
though it kills me, considerately.

xox
!!!
~~~

on and on