citrus

today i would cry...

if i didn't know i couldn't
or that it would do nothing for my situation.

or if i didn't know that things get worse before they get better and i'd better buckle down.

i itch all over, figuratively.

vimian said "hole in my heart"
...
i feel ya, babe.

music reminds me of people.
people remind me they love me.
if all we need is love, then i have a long life to live...

but i ache,
and i itch,
and i keep a smile on between the pensive, pursed lips.

sometimes i wonder if it'd be easier to go back to what my mother once suggested,
if i should sit back in dallas and pay off my debt, which isn't so bad, really,
if i should wait for some mediocre boy to come along and want to have kids and support me while i scrub the grease off the window next to the stove because i can't stand the way it sticks to my fingers when i thrust it open, while i contemplate the best way to install baseboards around the peeling linoleum in an apartment that won't be mine forever, while i learn to make an odd little vacuum cleaner work to keep my carpet clean, while i do odd things into the wee hours of the night to keep myself busy until another time i can work on a resume to find a job...
but oh yeah,
if things work out the way my mom imagines, i wouldn't have to work a day job -
i could use my fine sewing skills to make clothes for my kids out of curtains,
and my gourmet cooking interests to have dinner on the table by the time my husband comes home from the beat-down job of his.

when really what i want is for one big happy...
i wanna do what i wanna do and i want him to be happy doing his thing, too...
and i want to share my life with the people i love.

and to think - i already have the best part down,
the big idea...
to share my life with the people i love...

meanwhile -
chin up,
shoes tied,
quit smoking cigarettes, dammit, they're too damned expensive for a girl on a tight budget,
and off i go to keep myself busy some more...
to the job search and education section of the brooklyn library.
huzzah!

and it's not like i haven't done all this before,
but the whirl of strange emotions is really something to get used to when you've got to shove it into the background just to get shit done.

run.

and then breathe.


no no no

breeeeeeeeeeaaaathe




now then.



letters and cards still forthcoming for some of you,
and replies to emails, thank you.
and other news.

other other other
something something something





every little thing's gonna be alright.