citrus

i said i'd be gone for a while, but whatever,
it's only been two days.

le's seeeee...
where to begin (this could be a doozy, peeps ... if you doesn't feel like a read, then stop now and know that i think you's speesh-all )

today was my last day working for [local lighting manufacture as miss moneypenny]. i was irritated that they waited until friday to hire someone, so i've been busting my and possibly my trainee's ass for these last two days.
we had a breakfast party today for my going away and toward the end of the day i was twiddling my thumbs, feeling odd packing up the remains of my personals from what used to be my office and feeling in-the-way of the new head of credit and collections. i think she'll be okay. i know i'm retarded, but i told her that she can call me if she has any questions but after a month i am no longer responsible. it's just that being what most would consider a smaller business, the relationships i had with our clients are kindof important and i store many of the details in my tiny little brain.
i just ... want to help. i love those people and i want their livelihood to be taken care of.
there were some more tears, though i feel again today as if i've got the shield up... and truthfully i'm glad for that.

yesterday i had dinner with that one boy who proposed to me this past winter.
we shared a plate and i drank a beer and took drags off his cigarette and brought him home to visit with mom for a few minutes.
he brought up the proposal and guilted me a bit about what people used to say and how wonderful we could've been together and i hated to hurt his feelings but i smirked during much of that conversation, asking him sarcastically "really? what makes them think that?"
i sat on the hot concrete in my house shorts and he stood over me, against his car, and we watched the sun disappear behind the houses in the neighborhood and when he drug me up off the ground by my wrists and hugged me goodbye i barely felt the kiss he planted in my hair - i was in space, in flight, leavin' on a jet plane.

i've slept approximately ten hours in three days. it's not too bad. i'm currently highly caffienated.
tonight was my last session with dr. larry aaron and i honestly couldn't think of much to say.
he asked me, when we had twenty minutes remaining, if there was anything specific i wanted to address. i asked him to talk.
he told me some good things... said he really thinks i'm doing a lot of things right,
and then reiterated some issues he thinks i'd be wise to work on. i asked about his advice for methodology.
we discussed more spirituality issues and conflict i'm having with a current pursuit. he assured me i have plenty of time to decide and i still plan on talking to religious "authority" in regards.
i'm surprisingly un-worried. he applauded my sense.
i sit in the grass before the sessions each week. today i read the book a friend gave me on sunday and stretched, pulling my skirt around as i moved so as not to flash the entire square.
i drank an iced triple americano. it was delicious and bitter at the end. i chewed the ice as it slipped through the sipper.

sunday was a party mom threw for me.
i think i mentioned that already.
it was good. i will keep the memories for long long times. i will be happy and busy writing notes to those in attendance, and others, during my "time off" in the city. i'm going to be somewhat of a homebody for a time... and then i'll possibly be super social... and then probably super busy... and then back to me again. always back to me.

most of the notes on my arm have been taken care of today.
they're gonna total my car, so i'll wash it in the morning before the appraiser comes to check it out. i need to get my stuff out of it anyhow.
i haven't even started my laundry, though i've been good keeping up with it the last few weeks. i wanted to wait until i could pick out the two outfits to wear these next days... three actually, including my yoga clothes.
i'll clean and sort and roll and pack.

and now i'll go remove this chipped-ass, one-hand of play-time finger-nail polish, soak in a salt-water bath, and think about how i'm supposed to get a certain something else together tomorrow.
i think i just have shopping to do, gee whiz - that's the lame way... but i suppose it's good enough to invest only equal effort at this juncture.
heh.

good-night sweet world,
i love you.




~-~

i climbed out of the tub just now to document this way i'm feeling,
these thoughts i have reeling.

a girl friend of mine, dear dear girl, sent several of us her most recent publication...
change of heart, it's titled.

she went out for cheese one night and, as she aptly puts it, in line with an inside joke amongst several of us in what i'll loosely refer to as a writing circle, one moment turned momentous and she's felt a bit out of her head for a few months since... simultaneously senseless and sensitive.

she states that she'd gotten sidetracked by her desire for a bachelor who didn't really love her... that when she went in for a few hours of fun she woke-up to remember that life is too short to settle...
and her recall reminds me, too.

she tells me time and again that single people have better stories...
but all the stories don't turn out the same,
sometimes there are stars in our eyes.

it's all worth it
and there is more.

sometimes i wonder "what would make me happy?"
but most of the truth is ... i am

it's simple, really.