citrus

i don't really care if it makes me lame,
but george michael's new song is rad.


~!~

"Girly-girl...
I just don't know what to say [...] maybe stress has something to do with it? I'd like to say I'm not stressed, that I'm enjoying my time off... but of course the inside of the head has different ideas compared to what you THINK you think.
[...] It's such a huge fork in the road, and usually we don't see them until they're in the rearview mirror. Not so in this instance, and we both know it.
[...]
So take care dearest. And don't forget during all the craziness that your safety net isn't just in Texas. You've got people all over the country to fall back on, so don't be afraid to let go of the bar and really fly..."



i know good people

i spoke for some time with my ex-boyfriend last night.
i'm not sure if i'm completely recovered from that relationship yet. three years in and one and a half years later ...
i don't want to be with him in that sense anymore, the "building toward a life together" kind of thing, the "married and raising kids together" type deal,
but i would like to be friends, somehow. but we don't think it's possible. he doesn't think it's possible. maybe i never loved him as much as he loved me. he can't let me go without cutting me completely out. i let him go but still want to hear how he's doing (that's not really letting go, is it, continuing to wonder?). it must be selfish of me. maybe when i'm completely well, i won't think about it, it will matter neither which way.
but i think he'll be okay. he's just got to figure out what he's got to do for himself.
and i've got to find a way to get the stuff of his i found back to him. he wants me to leave it with somebody.

when i got home last night, i checked my mail, let the dogs out, and stood in the backyard watering my mom's plants for about half an hour.
i was sweating and making rainbows.
at one point i was walking across the yard, keeping my eyes peeled for dog shit, and i looked back over my shoulder at the glistening grass and just stopped...

i feel like i'm overflowing. nauseous.

i do a lot of thinking during my commute.
a friend spoke with me weeks ago about letting go of dreams. i don't know how the idea fluttered again into my head, but it struck me suddenly.
it's odd who we let affect us. maybe they don't intend to do so, and i hardly think they always remember or realize how it happens... something so trivial to one person is more considerable for another - trash and treasure.
so i think about this big dream i'm chasing...
i think about this first month and how it's balls to the wall, i think about the little bit of money i have saved and how i will stretch it out, i think about school and all that it entails, how to get there...
i think about this transformation and definite choices and commitments i will make, this desire to be a mother in some years...
i think about how certain issues just don't even play heavily anymore but that i'm almost afraid of losing the visions i'm after, though there will always be new visions ... mo described the oasis as a mirage, but it's very real to me - tangible, here and now.
so what if what if what if?
what if i can't find work or obtain the experience i need to gain admittance into the school? what if i gain admittance but can't get grants or loans enough to pay for the education?
i wonder if i'll fall back into this admin/accounting that has kept my head above water financially for so many years but is certainly not what i'm passionate about.
what if i change my mind?
what if when the time comes i'm not approved for adoption?
what if what if what if ...

there is lots of time, and it's really so little.
i'm just going to do what i have to do and go with it.
there may be curve balls. i will have to improvise and compromise and do the best i can.

i'm really very happy besides the storm of other emotion. it's all around and consuming. i truly feel like it rains inside my chest, that my heart is being battered and i know that sounds odd but it's incomparable to butterflies in my stomach.

i think i'll be okay.
oy.

(you know, it's funny how we pick up things without knowing what we're doing...
asa remembers my curiosity toward this walk i'm making from when we were together... close to the time we started dating if i remember correctly - which, having had it refreshed is strange. but i still really think i'm doing the right thing. sometimes i worry about whether or not i'll change my mind, but truly it's a luxury - and i'm excited about the dedication and the exercise of this loyalty my brother says he admires in me as much as i am excited about all the new things i'll learn and be fascinated with.
)



today the list is so outrageous...
and what it is is too much to put in words, really.
i'm really very grateful to be exactly what/who/where i am.

i can hardly contain myself.