saturday morning.
i'm in the office.
last night i helped my mom with some paperwork, did some personal paperwork, sorted through a couple more boxes, and put the old man to work after mom told me he needed something to do. but i think i'm missing something so i'll go to the storage facility again today and seek.
we'll clear out space for my brother's belongings - apparently him and his wife are on the outs ... i listened to the story as long as i could stand the drama, sitting in the backyard last night, but eventually i just stood up from the porch floor and walked back into the house.
so i may be getting out just in time to make room for the bubba. it's tragic.
marriage scares me because there aren't guarantees, not that i won't take the risk with the right person, but i'll have to talk to him about it, whoever he is, when the time is right, now won't i?
i sat across the table from my mother and ate with one hand, i read using the other.
she asked what i was reading. i peered over the top of the book and opened it wider to give her view of the cover.
she gave me a look. i think she was asking "you're really serious?"
but she's already told me to do what i think is right. she loves me.
she turned her eyes back to her own book and took another bite.
but i have lots to learn about this faith, 'religion', culture, lifestyle, whatever we should call it. which is strange, because i don't think converting will change my faith, but the lifestyle and the learning is what i want for my children, not to mention it will continually offer more for me to learn (religions aren't exactly cut and dry, they're deep and rich.)
a friend tells me something to the effect of how "it just shows they have everything covered", and at this point in my life, because i can't guarantee i'll fall in love or that he'll love me back, that i'll be married by the time i find it prime to begin raising children, i can only plan to do it myself. i want my child to be well taken care of. i want my children to be in surroundings where they truly feel like 'everything's covered'. it's like practical wisdom. i think so often about how it's nice to have knowledge but that application is trickier. and here we're talking long time togetherness and loyalty, dedication. real family.
my brother asks me why i have to convert in order to observe and i laughed at him a little. i didn't mean to ridicule his question or demean his concern, but i just thought it was funny. i answered "so then what's the point?".
the point is that if you want something, it's fair to make certain devotions.
it's personal.
and so far as this particularity goes, it has to be me to do it or it doesn't count.
what little i've written and the lots i've thought in past weeks has been often regarding opportunity, chance, choice, consequence, and commitment... responsibility.
oh but i still stay home, yes yes. that's most important. my heart is my home and my mind builds the barriers around it. relationships are doors and windows. and ladders.
i tell myself i have so much to learn,
i think of the rabbi on long island that i plan to spend time with. i wonder about the differing methods for proselytes and as i read up, i wonder what difference it makes.
this is where more conflict is involved. i want to be a good example for my children, though i know i will not be the only one, it takes a village, but i want to be true to my own faith, and though i am indeed monotheistic, it's a bit more broad than dogma.
how can i remain devoted to a lifestyle based around the contents of some books and thousands of years of community and practice and still explore other avenues?
i like to stand by "call me what you will, i am what i am"
i laugh thinking of it - one night john called me christian... i told him it doesn't change anything. oh, what we want each other to be.
more personal stuff
gah, i realize it's been a long time since i've really dished this way -
weird.
i have plenty of work to do.
if i thought to protect myself and prepare i wouldn't be typing.
actually, i guess i have thought to protect and prepare...
to stop now, or to continue with lit-type release?...
here we are
i'm in the office.
last night i helped my mom with some paperwork, did some personal paperwork, sorted through a couple more boxes, and put the old man to work after mom told me he needed something to do. but i think i'm missing something so i'll go to the storage facility again today and seek.
we'll clear out space for my brother's belongings - apparently him and his wife are on the outs ... i listened to the story as long as i could stand the drama, sitting in the backyard last night, but eventually i just stood up from the porch floor and walked back into the house.
so i may be getting out just in time to make room for the bubba. it's tragic.
marriage scares me because there aren't guarantees, not that i won't take the risk with the right person, but i'll have to talk to him about it, whoever he is, when the time is right, now won't i?
i sat across the table from my mother and ate with one hand, i read using the other.
she asked what i was reading. i peered over the top of the book and opened it wider to give her view of the cover.
she gave me a look. i think she was asking "you're really serious?"
but she's already told me to do what i think is right. she loves me.
she turned her eyes back to her own book and took another bite.
but i have lots to learn about this faith, 'religion', culture, lifestyle, whatever we should call it. which is strange, because i don't think converting will change my faith, but the lifestyle and the learning is what i want for my children, not to mention it will continually offer more for me to learn (religions aren't exactly cut and dry, they're deep and rich.)
a friend tells me something to the effect of how "it just shows they have everything covered", and at this point in my life, because i can't guarantee i'll fall in love or that he'll love me back, that i'll be married by the time i find it prime to begin raising children, i can only plan to do it myself. i want my child to be well taken care of. i want my children to be in surroundings where they truly feel like 'everything's covered'. it's like practical wisdom. i think so often about how it's nice to have knowledge but that application is trickier. and here we're talking long time togetherness and loyalty, dedication. real family.
my brother asks me why i have to convert in order to observe and i laughed at him a little. i didn't mean to ridicule his question or demean his concern, but i just thought it was funny. i answered "so then what's the point?".
the point is that if you want something, it's fair to make certain devotions.
it's personal.
and so far as this particularity goes, it has to be me to do it or it doesn't count.
what little i've written and the lots i've thought in past weeks has been often regarding opportunity, chance, choice, consequence, and commitment... responsibility.
oh but i still stay home, yes yes. that's most important. my heart is my home and my mind builds the barriers around it. relationships are doors and windows. and ladders.
i tell myself i have so much to learn,
i think of the rabbi on long island that i plan to spend time with. i wonder about the differing methods for proselytes and as i read up, i wonder what difference it makes.
this is where more conflict is involved. i want to be a good example for my children, though i know i will not be the only one, it takes a village, but i want to be true to my own faith, and though i am indeed monotheistic, it's a bit more broad than dogma.
how can i remain devoted to a lifestyle based around the contents of some books and thousands of years of community and practice and still explore other avenues?
i like to stand by "call me what you will, i am what i am"
i laugh thinking of it - one night john called me christian... i told him it doesn't change anything. oh, what we want each other to be.
more personal stuff
gah, i realize it's been a long time since i've really dished this way -
weird.
i have plenty of work to do.
if i thought to protect myself and prepare i wouldn't be typing.
actually, i guess i have thought to protect and prepare...
to stop now, or to continue with lit-type release?...
here we are
she's good.
"Girl, girl... what on earth are you doing in the office? Less than two weeks now-- I'm so thrilled for you.
I'm so wary of nailing myself down to a specific religion. We've talked about this before and I think we feel pretty much the same way.
But the needing something for the kids, wanting to have it all covered... it's something I would like as well and just haven't come to term with how to impart a strong spirituality while keeping religion in an open mind and more world-wide view. Something I didn't have growing up, something that it's important and a necessary anchor for a kid trying to make sense of an entire world.
Hugs and kisses...
i'm glad she can relate.
and it's only ever partially what it's about.
part of me feels comfortable in judaism, perhaps because of my familiarity with some of the same book ... but i just haven't known christianity to be so structured.
it's like the jewish culture becomes such an integral part of the being because it's influential so early.
but i see certain other examples and i just want to get my feet more wet. i wonder if i convert using orthodox measures, will i still be free to practice my other reaches with spirituality or will i be obligated to live the orthodox lifestyle...
i'll ask the rabbi.
i'm so glad i will have connections.
doors and windows. fresh air.
and here i am, insecure, because when i seek to speak with an orthodox rabbi, (which is partially why i'm more comfortable approaching a reform/traditional one first) and my desire to convert is examined, my reasoning may seem superficial...
how do you explain that it just makes sense? how do you tell them that with the values you have and the difference between what you were raised around and what you truly believe, the structure and the stronghold, just seems right?
how do you explain that, sure, you've met some fabulous jews and they're inspiration, or that in your search through many practices, it all just boils down to the same ONE.
here i am and i have to decide. there's only so much time and lots of life means to be steady. in so many years from now, i will be leading other little bodies into and through part of this world and i will have so many questions myself - how will i be able to answer all their little questions?
i want to encourage them to find for themselves but to ensure them they have ample resources... i thank my mother for always telling me "look it up",
but there will still have to be rules... there have to be good reasons for doing something a certain way. i really DON'T want to respond with "because i said so."
all the cliche i try to make sense of... they're developed after so long noticing the same patterns.
i could ramble on and on and on.
it feels right. keep going.
i can still change my mind.
[Edited on Jul 10, 2004 11:26AM]
what's the point of converting, though, if i don't actually practice well enough to be that good example for my children.
but see, i also want to be an example of open mind.
it's all really very confusing.
i guess maybe i don't understand what difference it makes.
i mean, it makes sense... just all the gray in between - it's about where i think i fit
man,
i could sure go for a nap.
too bad i've got shit all over the floor in there.
i guess i just wish i'd been born that way at this point, because i don't feel like converting will offer me all the advantage of learning as a child myself. as i asked amanda, why can't I have a bat mitzvah?
[Edited on Jul 11, 2004 8:50AM]