citrus

it's very interesting.

i was angry for a few minutes,
and then i identified directly with the fear and sadness, which has been residual and under the surface for days and days, leeched out yesterday morning by memories...
and then i didn't want anything to do with either in regards to where i'm going... these very days will be merely memories before long.

allison says to me "i' got eight years on you, honey"
and i wonder for a moment what she's been through and i realize that eight years from now i will be smiling at this very moment, or crying, whatever - enjoying nostalgic emotion.

i can smile now?
it doesn't make any difference, really.
i'm going to make it,
and there ain't no 'afterall' i could pretend to project...
i really have no idea.

whatever the case may be,
i have days and days when i must be ready. this isn't just a "i want to be tough" thing. it's a i'm changing my life in a matter of hours thing, and i've done it on smaller basis over and over,
we'll see.

she made a good point, one i've rolled in my mind often enough but hadn't connected to such specific ideas before this weekend...
all the hands to hold - they'll be gone.
she says she'll worry for me since i'm remaining so calm.

good thing i'll be home.
slow down.


on the "something positive and light" note,
i found some clothes i'd packed away because they wouldn't fit or were inappropriate for the season when i moved out of my apartment last fall.
i'm wearing another of my favorite skirts, but the shirt that goes with it looks kindof funny.
i also found several cds that i thought i lost, but i'd packed them! so i listened to bob marley for three hours while i stood in the driveway unpacking and repacking my miscellaneous junk.
and vanilla silk is really good with my cereal.