citrus

i paid $27 for almost thirteen gallons of gas yesterday.


but genny bought me dinner and we watched t.v. together.

hahahahaha
she called me and left a message on my voicemail that says "that was strange"
my new message is part of an earth, wind, & fire song - "let's groove"
.we're gonna groove tonight. /
.let this groove get you to move, it's alright (alright) aaalright. /
can't you just picture the flailing arms and booty shakin'? i asked her if it made her wanna boogie and she said "sure, after i figured out what the hell was going on"
she thought i'd just picked up the phone while i was jammin' out or something.
it's the spice of life, y'all. let the rhythm move you!

anyway.
i think it's greatness.


i paid $20 for a certified copy of my birth certificate.
i don't know how much a passport costs, but i figure it might be better to get one here using my mother's address, considering it's more stable than mine ever is.

i have so much stuff to do... trying to fit everything into just a few weeks =


oatmeal with flax, raisins, walnuts, honey. (i've been down-sizing the amount i make each time because it's always TOO MUCH but i still haven't gotten it right . grrr~!)
pita, the last of the hummus, half an avocado, steamed broccoli and carrots planned for lunch (i have to eat the stuff i gots, man)

my hamstring feels way-much better today.
i'm spending the evening with mo. i haven't seen her since that night at the piano bar which was... dude i don't even remember - like a month ago or something.
i'm hoping we can have a nice dinner (and DESSERT!) and then take a stroll or go for a bike ride.

chad used to hate it when i called him "dude" or "man". last night i put all the jewelry he gave me into a section of my mom's box to be sold - several necklaces, the two rings. i appreciated the trinkets, but maybe i'm just simpler than that, i don't know. but i guess it's time to get rid of them- ha!... i mean, he did, afterall, just have his first child and stuff. the first love thing is hard, huh?

i've scheduled a weekend to go through my storage facility and tag things "keepsake" and "for the love of god, get rid of it".
mom doesn't want the bed but she does want the car. i would even be willing to continue making the payments if i can secure a good enough income. i just want them to be able to survive, you know? they have struggled so much financially over the last couple years, something needs to stop the bleeding.
i'm hoping i can recruit my bubba to help me pull stuff in and out of the unit. if i can convince him with a case of beer, on a saturday or sunday, i think it will be fun.
last night mom says "i can't believe you want to get your brother in that situation - he will not be pleasant, sweety."
i responded "but he's my bubba, mom. i'll buy him some beer, he can sweat and smoke cigarettes, he can complain a lot, and i will love it. that's just the way he IS, mom. i love him."
i picture him, as i've seen him many times before, making this funny lip expression, using his bare hand to wipe the sweat off his bald head, his crystal blue eyes piercing the air between us. he'll say something about how hot it is, he'll tip a bottle back and talk about how good the beer tastes and why (because i'll buy his favorite kind), he'll put a cigarette in the corner of his mouth, cupping his hand around the tip while he fires it up, take a long drag, and go on about something something while smoke sneaks out around his voice.

i so love my brother. i cannot even express what he means to me, though we are so very different.
i will miss him very much.

i have to talk about him a lot in my homework for the therapist.
it's interesting. i'm supposed to describe my earliest memories... all kinds of stuff. weird weird weird. i've been working on it at lunch and in the evening when i have time to sit at the desk.

oh and i think it's going to cost less to ship my foot locker than i thought.
i was thinking i would just go first with only the duffel bag... but that's cuz i was dreaming.
my trunk has, inside it, my sewing machine and major sewing basket, candles, my train case with cosmetics, the photos i like to keep around to smile at, my winter coat and hat and scarf and gloves, my crayons, my yoga strap and blocks(though i really wanna get some wood ones instead of the foamies), and i can't remember what else but not much. just the bulky stuff that will keep me in some hobby.


what else, what else, what else?







48 days





oh heartbreak music again today.
gotta curb the enthusiasm somehow, right?
cuz then i'm all baby i'm amazed
from earth, wind, and fire to paul mccartney and gilbert o'sullivan.
gosh i amuse me.



i forgot about the asparagus left upstairs.
fucking yum.
and i'm basically full right now, after eating half the pita and the broccoli and carrots and asparagus.
but i still have half the pita with hummus and the half avocado left.
funny - i save the best for last and then i'm so full i can hardly eat it!

and IZZE!
mmmmm


today i have daydreams about laying on the floor in a dim room, sheets laced between my legs, candles and nag champa burning, clothes strewn on the floor, sleepy eyes, a shy smiley face, nowhere to go and nothing that needs to be done.
maybe it could rain a little, make the day dimmer...
there could be snacks and tea and water.
it would be like the magic hour,
it would be magic happenings.

i'm reminded of the apartment i miss. i always think "green" when i remember it. my little space. green out the sliding door, treetops all to see, green rug, green upholstery on the chairs in the dining room.
mmm
that's how i used to spend my sunday mornings, wrapped up only in blankets or sheets, taking it easy, dreaming, reading, listening, watching, smiling, sighing.
oh good times.


i love to dream
like i said, it's like breathing
and it keeps me alive


wooo! the ginseng doesn't hurt, either,
so far as feelin' like flyin'