citrus

check this rad shit:



my eebie found this mushroom while she was hiking yesterday and sent me the picture.
she sent me a bunch of pictures, actually.
septagram-ish. nifty!

i wanna go to hawaii


actually, i plan to go before i move to the city. her sister works for an airline and can get me a pass that would knock my cost into one third what it should be.
i am SO on THAT!
she promised me we could hike and camp and have a chi-chi dinner and drink wine and cook together and swim and dance and love each other, cuz that's what we do.


mom actually thinks she can get me a job with someone who works for her company, but it's in jersey and would take an hour to drive to the city... car insurance in jersey is ridiculous from what i understand so if there's no public trans then i'm thinking it's a bad idea.
besides,...
no sleep 'til brooklyn.
and then, of course, no sleep 'til school.
and then, of course, no sleep 'til degree.
and then, of course, no sleep 'til loans are paid.
and then, of course, no sleep 'til ...
well. i don't know what's gonna happen.
eventually i'd like to have a family, right?! and then... no sleep like EVER cuz you know how kids are.
whatever, i'll sleep in my grave.
remember: if you love me, don't let them pump me full of shit or dress/make me up - just wrap me in something comfy(and biodegradable) and throw me in the ground.


i'm in a good mood today.
despite the fact that i was up again, like clockwork, at four a.m.
actually, it was a little odd - the headache i went to bed with pounded me out of sleep.
most of the time when i get one so bad it's either a migraine, something related to sinuses, or that i'm dehydrated/malnourished.
i kindof figured that since i'd been having sinus problems, since i hadn't eaten anything but watermelon, and since i'd only consumed about two quarts of water, it was a combination of things - so i tip-toed into the kitchen and ate an allergy pill (which i loathe to do), drank two glasses of water, and promised my body i would eat breakfast this morning.

oatmeal with golden raisins, ground flax seeds, honey, and cinnamon in front of me.
right right.

i think that's all for now.

pants are almost done... i think they'll be too big for me but i'm going to take a picture in them anyway.

yoga tonight!







i just can't explain it.




ew.
written april 12, 2002:

a girl,
an ordinary girl,
takes to unpeeling her skin.
dragging the scalp off her head,
she offers it up.
hopefully clean, having removed any obstacles from being seen,
finally an open page.

but more ordinary than before,
no distinction any more,
donning only that crimson cardinal,
she is burned.

her fabric tatters and floats, flaming, away,
her flesh charred
she is certainly pained and marbled in scars.
she feels less than - she is ugly.

and it's all her fault for undressing.
you'd think she'd learn a lesson.



~!~

girl talk:

i can't even believe that you are questioning yourself. to want a marriage and a family is one of the most basic of wants and desires, granted it's not what every single person wants, but if YOU want it, you had better go after it and get it! stop pussyfooting around [...]
time is ticking away whether we want to acknowledge it or not, and you aren't giving yourself a decent enough shot at it by hanging around dude(s) who might or might not want the family thing. you've got to start looking out for (you) and (your) unborn offspring. it kills me to see you debate this with yourself, especially when it's obvious how bad you want it.
stop talking yourself out of wanting it.
marriage and babies rock.


hahahahahahahahaha!
that is GREATNESS.
i think it's awesome that we can get in each others' faces about shit,
but come ON - how do we "go out there and get it". that's ridiculous...
people are not like shit on a shelf... we can't just go "i want that one" and it will work.

can we?
i wobble between thinking that the demise of my previous relationships are my fault and their's and the combination.
is all it takes that commitment?
i mean, we don't have to put up with being shit on... but you can't make someone stop shitting on you. i've tried, dammit. i've tried being rational, i've tried being psychotic, i've tried being strong and vulnerable, and open and shut up and ... it just takes TWO.
i realize people are just going to be the way they are ... and that's good but the fucking complacence, what is UP with that... and the sulking all the time and how we LET it drag us down. one person can't carry the other all the time. belieeeeve me. of course, i guess i didn't test it out long enough did i... but that's a risk i took - i carried until i couldn't carry anymore and then i said HELP. and then HELP HELP HELP. and then i said, okay fine - i'm dropping this shit... and then it was all tears and a big mess and now i'm like "no no no, don't give me that shit now"
of course,... it's not that i would want someone to encourage me to be down on my time either. i wouldn't necessarily respond well to someone saying "okay, i'm done pouting - it's your turn"... doesn't make much sense.
but i guess that's why the idea of dating is so eye-rolling at this particular moment ... so much shit going on, i guess.
but like i was thinking again yesterday - why do i let that stop me? why do i think i'm not going to be good enough in the right relationship just because i have issues...
i keep thinking "when i'm ready, when i'm ready" but it's like anything else... i think if we wait until we THINK we're ready - it will just never happen, because there's always some T to cross or I to dot.
we can't be perfect.


is that why we look for someone who's enough like us to be bearable and different enough to be a challenge and intriguing?
perhaps.
perhaps perhaps perhaps

heh.
it's all very funny.
i give up trying to figure it out - it's bullshit.
it will be amazing when it goes down the way it should and until then,
i'll just keep on with my adopt-a-child before i'm a bitter, middle-aged, old-maid. but no cats, k?
(i'll be just fine)


maybe that's a bad thing about having friends of all ages... is that i still have the opportunity to listen to the bitter old-maids bitch and convince me...
and i know they're full of shit because one minute they're pissed off at the world and the entire male species and the next moment they're blubbering idiots because it's all they ever wanted was not to be alone. i mean - not ALONE, because we ARE ALONE, but ...
lonely. heavy sighs before they turn out the lights at night.
of course, the ones who are on their way to "happily ever after" don't have it all perfect either. even the kings and queens get past the honeymoon.

blah blah blah
interpersonal relationships.
everybody needs somebody - but there are limits!

and i don't want the people i love to be lonely.
we do what we have to do. one step at a time.
i need to get to arizona.
i need to make a planet for my people.
o.
wait.
we're here already.
haha!


and then there's this:
I don't see why so many have trouble knowing what love is, it's simple. It's a small rodent with a large head and short legs...Oh wait I'm getting confused again. OH NO I just sent my girlfriend an email saying "My vole will never die" and she hates pets especially ones that are immortal and look like rats. have to go, need to explain this one to her.

*snicker*
boys have such a great sense of humor.