citrus

you were right the first time

happiness is a direction, not a destination

there are no paths; paths are made by walking



leaps and bounds yesterday regarding state of mind.
it felt good... feels good. like sighs of relief.
personal change is obviously more effective than watching the exterior change around me, though i must say that being aware of change in my world affects the personal application.
it's all connected, we know this.


shoving Journey into the player this morning was the right thing to do.


as soon as i entered the building i developed a headache - what's up with that?

our new catalogs are kindof nice but the price sheets are still all fucked up, dammit.

must finish pants and keep a clear head.
therapy tomorrow and more pants-ness.
yoga wednesday and more pants-ness, relaxation.
thursday, movie night with genny.
the weekend, though plans are already forming, i have no idea. i should really make plans with mo at some point but i also have packing to do. though my room is tiny and i don't have much in there, two shelves of books can be shoved into boxes and the shelves of stuff behind my couch can be stored away since i NEVER use them. i don't even remember what's back there besides some gifts i got from people.
i trust that my mother will make the very best of the space in this new-ish house thing, i cannot imagine how all our shit is going to fit.
as per usual, i will do whatever i have to do.

material things still bug me. i remember journaling i did before i moved and i had the same attitude.
should i feel bad for selling stuff people gift me? it truly is the thought that counts, right... and obviously the idea was transmitted through the little trinket but i don't want the THING to dust or move every time i go somewhere.
pleh.
send me a card with x's and o's. yeesh.

okay whatever.
that was a useless paragraph.


i'm wearing clothes(jeans and pretty black blouse) i couldn't wear a month ago, my fluevogs, and the fabulous earrings allison made me.
i looked like a racoon this morning when i got out of the shower. fucking mascara.

my desk looks pretty fucking good.
i'm getting to some projects that had been on back burners before.
good stuff.

the workers' compensation program we're on has demanded that random drug testing be implemented. they'll be pulling hairs to find out what's up with our history.
half our fucking employees are habitual drug users or alcoholics. ha!
it's good motivation - i don't think any of us will lose our jobs because of our personal habits but we could be denied compensation if we're injured on the job. of course, people in my 'department' are pretty low risk for injury on the job.
i'm not worried about it. i don't really care if they discover my history from the last nine months or whatever they're looking at. i am concerned, however, for some other people here (i've also been the shoulder they cry to) who have bad cocaine habits.

i wish the cleaning lady wouldn't throw away my coasters and close my blinds up when she comes.
picky picky.


tea time!




~!~

a portion of salmon baked with tomato and fresh green beans.
simple and nummy.
but oh my goodness, i feel like i'm going to explode!





even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
[...]
if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
[...]
love is sufficient unto love.
[,]
let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
[...]
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
[...]
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked[,]
you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
[...]
you can only be free when even the desire of seeking freedom becomes a harness to you, and when you cease to speak of freedom as a goal and a fulfillment.
You shall be free indeed when your days are not without a care nor your nights without a want and a grief,
But rather when these things girdle your life and yet you rise above them naked and unbound[,]
all things move within your being in constant half embrace, the desired and the dreaded, the repugnant and the cherished, the pursued and that which you would escape.
[...]
rest in reason and move in passion
[...]
you shall learn that it is the pleasure of the bee to gather honey of the flower,
But it is also the pleasure of the flower to yield its honey to the bee.
For to the bee a flower is a fountain of life,
And to the flower a bee is a messenger of love,
And to both, bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.
[,] be in your pleasures like the flowers and the bees.
[...]
beauty is not a need but an ecstacy[,]
a heart enflamed and a soul enchanted[,]
an image you see though you close your eyes and a song you hear though you shut your ears[,]
a garden for ever in bloom and a flock of angels for ever in flight[,]
beauty is life when life unveils her holy face.
But you are life and you are the veil.
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
But you are eternity and your are the mirror.
[...]
The freest song comes not through bars and wires.
[...]
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

from the prophet by kahlil gibran (duh)


oh, i'm so over myself today.
it's very amusing ... so human.
and i like being human but it's funny, the things i do for comfort, for consolation, to convince myself.
but it's all okay ... so many of my behaviors, my conditions, are needless.




so funny.
asa tells me in that last exchange that he envies me...
my support, my strength, my friends, my nature, my love, the guy that gets my love.
so totally ironic... i almost want to feel sorry for the guy that gets my love...
i know it's such a woe-is-me sob-story but really.
asa goes on in that exchange to reference a conversation we'd had earlier, when i was yelling at him that i feel like 'damaged goods'... he says that we're all damaged goods, "not one of us clean or uninjured".
i wish it were consoling. it's not. regardless of what everyone else is i have so much work to do.

i don't know why i was thinking about it...
i was just stitching away in there in my room and thought i'd bang this out... so i can look at it later and laugh at how silly a girl can be.

we live,
we learn,
we grow,
we get better.

i still love and i think i'm just fine,
that i will be just fine
and if i have to account for right now,
then everything is alright.

back to the board and the machine.
think i'll sit with my mom for a few. i'll miss her when i'm gone.