citrus

and the journaling begins

happy saturday.

it's a little drizzly.
i find it to be a little odd for the middle of may in dallas, but it's okay. i think the seasons are just lagging the last couple years. we can go back a few and blame it on el nino

pigtails and house clothes.
i so love this skirt. i missed it those years i couldn't get the waistline over my fat ass.

that boy called me last night asking if i could meet him at a bar, if i'd be at the event this afternoon... left me an endearing voice message.

it's interesting because when i talk with anyone about anything or journal about the happenings of my life,
when i reference other people,
i almost always stew for a few imagining myself in the opposite position.
sometimes i need more information. sometimes it just causes more of a reclusive nature on my part.
most of the time i just talk too much.

beth gibbons in the player,
she breaks me.
she reminds me of a time in a car on the way out of a new city, having met new amazing people,
looking at my return to a place that's gotten stale.
it's why i work to make it exciting. it's why i look to move on. it's why i won't settle - because i keep finding new amazing things.

i asked if it were fair that the perfect thing changes...
life isn't fair, i guess, is it? but i say that it is. i really believe it will be - not that i'll understand ...
i wouldn't want to spend my life with no ambition, with no drive,
i don't know if we should settle until we're dust...
of course, there's so much beauty between now and then... and finding that in some things that seem mundane makes life pleasant in the mean time (during the average),
all that we already have,
chasing after dreams when the treasure has been inside all along.
maybe we're aware of that, though.
we can't do it all alone.

part of my current fun with lyric manipulation says "don't try, don't try - just remember how"

cliches are contradictory...
none of it means anything because it's already all been said
what means the most to me is what we can't put into words but i still try to grab it and print it out so i can look at it and perceive - but really it's only what i feel...
i listen to my heart (because it's what i've learned to do) - it gets me in trouble, i tell you.
this go between with my rationalization and my intuition... the balance will be good... the unending pursuit.
but nothing is guaranteed, change the only constant,

i think first, nothing can break me...
and then i think, if my heart could just remain in a 'broken' state, i would always have it healing
and now it's some continual turmoil, its intensity, the up and down and keeping busy because i feel weak succumbing to the distraction.
i think something would fix it, so i'm working... and i think another thing would work, but i'm waiting... and really it will just wind out the way it does and everything will be okay - it always is.
it really always is.

and it's always all so new.
shed and wet and grow and dry and crack and shed again.
and we're back to now.
we're always now

~-~


something that kindof worries me is burning bridges.
i know that sometimes it's what needs to be done... and sometimes they need mending.
my biological father's family is somewhat estranged and it doesn't really matter whose fault it is, but ... i wonder what to do about it. i wonder what good it would be to make efforts toward mending that part of my life...
he's happy with his family the way things are. he has a daughter who did well in college and a wife he's known for years and years and years before they were even married. he's accepted his in-laws and they seem like one big happy.
his efforts to be in my life now are as much as they ever were - mostly non-existent... i remember wishing that he would just pick one - in or out, the back and forth was just too hard for a young me.
i apply the thought to other relationships and realize that we just do what we can.
but i always tell people my daddy is dead, but i have this man who donated the sperm in an act of confused love to bring my body to life.
and i wonder what it holds for me. i think of sewing with his mother when i was young and playing her piano and being the one of two little girls in the family...
like today, when i'm in the house doing my domesticity, i wonder what i could learn from those women if i had them in my life today more closely.
can we only stretch ourselves so far?

it's going to be a fun day.
my head is spinning.

~-~

here's a thing about hanging onto 'things'...
this table i have - it's a dilemma.
my mother gave it to me when my brother and i shared an apartment. it's an older kind of table, it's not too particularly sturdy - it's been in my mind to learn how to fix it someday... heh - someday.
but it's a drop leaf and it folds down into the best little two-seater... folds out to accomodate six, and each leaf is independent... right now it's in there with one leaf up serving as a desk but in a few minutes i'll back it away from the wall and put up the other leaf so i have room to lay out the fabric, once i get it all ironed and schtuff.
will i be able to find something so fucking functional from the salvation army in new york? for less than the cost of shipping and sentiment?
sarah says "srew the table" and it was funny and i thought then that she was right...
i just have a lot of "figuring" to do.
and my mom upholstered the chairs for me...
oh whatever, it'll be fine. i just LOVE my table


i'll end up selling the bed i just paid off a few months ago. i find that to be so utterly ironic.
it will feel good to get rid of so much stuff i've already forgotten about.
ob la di