citrus

aaaah.



home again, home again, jiggidy jig

i'm good.
finishing some laundry, watching my mom's dinner for her - it's nearly ten oclock and her husband isn't home from whatever he's doing and she's cooking for some work function tomorrow and trying to keep their food from burning.
she's smoking on the front porch... i'm asked to stir when i remember. it's frozen pasta stuff. i'll stir it in a minute

house clothes of late:
a broomstick skirt from highschool days - the tassles have tiny jingles on them
a wife-beater tank-tee,
yellow socks from the burt's bees' pedicure kit. there're little bees on the sides of them.
hair is braided back, extra bands around my finger,
comfy.

cleaned my room - set some things in order.
lit candles, put on some quiet, sing-along songs.

just chillin'
gonna read for a while.

i got pulled over on my way home and the officer didn't even run my tags. he looked over my cards, asked me what i was doing - i apologized immediately for speeding over the hill. he let me go. had he investigated further he'd've found i'm driving on a revoked license.
. i . got . lucky .
holy shit
but all the stuff to alleviate that worry is in the mail, on its way, whatever.
stop fucking speeding, woman. damn.


back to it.
have a happy whatever-you-intend-to-do.



all seems right with the world,
in my best sincere sarcasm



think i'll have a banana

~-~-~-~

finally we get some REAL stormy weather
that's what III'm talkin' about.
steely clouds, serious wind, thunder
yum.

i miss my old apartment
i'd SO be havin' the windows open and candles lit and an open bottle of red.
a little norah jones or mazzy starr, something melancholy romantic.

pleh


i am much more brave in writing


shit
after two days of doing the vegan thing (i'm doing a cleanse, i'm not planning to change to vegan perm just yet) - i want some PIZZA
and to think... i only had ONE SLICE while i was in new york.


i fucking love the commodores.
thank god my mother was a disc-o jockey-ette

wacka wacka wacka


i don't know where the rain came from so suddenly (the clouds, yes i do know about the water cycle, shut up)
but i'm happy that i got to stand in it!!!!!
with my sunglasses on so for that i could look up!

~


guess what my new way to win is?
give up.

no... that's not a question.
that is the answer.
ba ha ha


mmm.
we think "be prepared" ... "always be prepared"

and then the big stuff happens and it's time to rev the engine and are we ready?
no
we're flying through the universe trying to tighten nuts and bolts, sparks flying into our fucking eyes.
heh.
but whoa, yeah - what a ride!

this just makes me laugh.
i LIKE being human (even though i think some of us are disgusting fucks)

i go through these phases of looking for transcendence and then chiding myself for thinking i can fucking reach it.

we do all this "seeking" of truth and whatever. who the fuck cares.
i mean, i'm just being obnoxious because i do care,
but it's painful. fucking christ it's painful.
i don't even want to know some of the shit i've discovered anymore...
ignorance could very likely be bliss because then it's only our little inside world that matters and all the ideals inside can make it a better place.

i feel so fucking vulnerable.
talk about testing my fucking issues this is ridiculous.
and i just have to go back to my idea that i'd rather not feel like i never tried than to avoid it all to miss the pain.
i recite my comforting little pieces of poetry '...but if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure...'
but will it ever be worth it?
duh, yeah. or something.
i want to throw things today. ha!
this will pass. it all does.

i am really excited about new york.
i'm not kidding.
i'm going to just get something in the field i'm in now and stash an assload of money away for the first while.
i am concerned about school because i can never make up my feeble fucking fickle mind.
to veg or not to veg. the alternative comes with humongous loans and excellent placement.

i guess my brain woke up today.
must've been that venture out into the sunshine.

i want to slap myself in the forehead.
i feel so fucking blaringly naive.
i don't kid anyone but myself, so it seems.

and asa has not responded to the mail i sent him back - that's a good sign.
girlfriends say that the response i gave him was kind and "psychologically sound"
whatever that means.
i feel insecure about it, though.
how do you assure someone that you love them in the "i want you to be okay" way and not continue to give them hope that someday you'll live together and accomplish goals to share.

ha ha ha
turn THAT one around on yourself, girlfriend.
dun dun duh!


sometimes we have to go back over our steps.
it works, though. because you see some things you missed and you can still apply some of what you've learned along the way... you can even anticipate certain occurrences, but remember, things change...
the wind has blown since you've been here before.
i love that wind.
the rain, too.

life couldn't possibly come with instructions.
and who the hell would follow them?
i mean... i like a little conundrum from time to time.
besides - this is all good for my patience... but it is, in itself, a very painful experience.
on with the fucking show already!

oh.
this is it?
you don't say?
well okay then.


this is where i win!

oh but i'm totally just joshin'.
i can't give up. but i can let go.

hey hey hey


~!

can you believe that i don't have anything to say?

whatever.
it's only a quarter to eight a.m.
i'm sure that will change.

i'm in a really good mood, though.

fleetwood mac in my headphones again. i miss my tango in the night cassette. and i still want rumours and tusk and all the other fucking albums *ahem* cds.

ooh!
i do have something:
i drove 1830 and 407 home from the psychdoc yesterday and it was SO beautiful!
i love little country roads.

that is all.

grapefruit for breakfast.



tell me how much you love my profile picture?
i mean. IIIII love it. *sigh* i want to marry it (not in the serious way, you know)


something else.
it's been in my face recently so i'm going to address it (i guess to myself and whoever decides to read this shit)
bipolarity.
("has anyone ever suggested that you are bipolar?"... well, yeah - people who have no authority other than the respect i give them (and one of those people has lost the majority of my respect))
but fuck that shit.
if your solution is to medicate me, i'll be on my way out.
i do not want my emotions to be grey.
what i want is to practice my strength of mind so that i can cope and function without being damaging to myself (or others, obviously) during either a state of "hypomania" or "depression".

i like me. i think i should be allowed to be ME.
(and though sometimes i don't feel like i know who that is, it really is obvious. i just AM. and actions speak louder than words, yeah?
the challenge comes with every new day and integrating the new experience i earn into my responsive nature... challenge is good. that which doesn't kill us, right?)
and, even if i'm sometimes over-the-top or under-the-rug, there is plenty of positive in between and the negative stuff is generally just as much an opportunity for growth as anything else.

this is what i've decided at twenty-five.
hA!

i realize that this could all have started years and years ago ... but i need, for my own self, to come to terms, not turn to drugs.

by the way: this is my personal preference. i realize that it's not for everyone.
i just know i can know me. i know i can be wiser than my brain - and i would rather spend life in that fight with myself than develop an artificial sense of center.

i know in my heart of hearts that everything will be okay. and that's where my faith lies.
it's all in the way

o.k. computer
(i knew i'd start letting my words run...)

i'm done now



just an ordinary girl
nothing to see here
move along