~~~THERAPY!!!
what is WITH people today?
again,
four people have been in my office asking me if everything's alright.
FOUR PEOPLE
finally, the guy in the office next to me (we have a great relationship. what am i saying - i have great relationships with EVERYONE here - all so unique) comes in and asked me (about ten minutes ago) and explained that i've just been so quiet. and this IS, i must admit, unusual for me. typically i'm singing the circus song or laughing obnoxiously or jumping into peoples' offices with some silly something-or-other...
so gary (that's the guy's name) says that my office looks like i'm getting ready for vacation. i'm sure they all know i have ants in my pants but the truth is i have months to go before i can go anywhere and i could use this nice fluffy income and this comfy environment, my office with a door and windows, my plants, my big desk, my stickered monitor, the fully equipped kitchen, a file clerk, etc. until i'm ready to move on. and they will know.
i will give them plenty of notice.
(in my best 'fair lady) i'm a good girl, i am.
but gary's always been real with me and he has a great sense of humor. so i proved to him that i'm fine by explaining that i've just been catching up on myself and that i'm working on focus and told him some of my favorite blond jokes and we yukked it up and he went back to his office.
i love my job.
what's the difference between a blond and a mosquito?
one stops sucking when you slap it
ba-dum-bum-chs
~!
the receptionist in the office is pregnant and it's the cutest thing.
it's the first pregnant person we've ever had here! (isn't that interesting?)
just "AWE!"
she's such a sweety, too. she does anything i ask her to do and LIKES IT and she stands around in the kitchen while i make lunch, harping me about the healthy stuff i eat - and then goes and gets chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes from the diner ...
it's really quite the adorable-ness.
MY babies have NEW beds! (plants, pots)
they're very pretty.
so, tonight when i get home, i'll finish my laundry and clean up my hands.
they look like ass.
i'm not smoking again. and i'm not going to be drinking for a little while. i'm going to take a much needed break.
this week i'm doing a cleanse. i brought some really great stuff to make a salad to last a few days... kidney beans, celery, yellow squash, zucchini, broccoli, jalepeno, radishes, red bell pepper, mushrooms - whatever sounded good when i was at the market.
chopped and stirred and yum.
money is tight right now.
but i'm soaring emotionally.
these little buzzes of electricity i feel make my skin crawl, waves rushing down my spine from time to time.
sometimes i feel very aware of divinity and it soothes my spirit.
maybe it doesn't make much sense and it could be a little bit kooky but i don't care.
whatever works, right?
i had posted an exchange between my ex-boyfriend and me
but i took it back.
it was too much information, sorry.
it was really sad.
he called me on saturday while i was at work and we talked for about an hour.
i got irritated with him ... he got happy about it.
"i like to piss you off because it replaces the affection i miss from you"
"you like to stir the fire"
"you could say that"
"you like to stir it but you don't want to feed it"
"true"
"well you stir and you stir and the damn thing burns hot and then it burns out, asa. feeding it takes work. this is not nice."
he took a long walk and called me back.
"do you ever want to see me again?"
"i would not be opposed to seeing you but i will not seek you out."
we have mutual friends.
after another couple minutes i told him i had work to do.
i am so done with that.
this morning the email in my box was bitter and melancholy but sweet.
he said some really nice things to me and apologized and i feel like "FINALLY"!
but i responded to him. some of it was so negative about himself and so desperate and so very sad.
i tried to be encouraging and truthful.
i told him that we can't really be friends because i won't be around him with his alterior motives - it's insincere friendship.
it has been about thirteen months since i kicked him out of my apartment. and i warned him. three of us lived in an apartment together and in december i told him i'd be in my own place by february... he couldn't get his shit together and needed a place to sleep. i think he thought it would work out.
i had to wear pajamas to bed for months and that peeves me!
finally he moved out but he got a place two buildings down from me and i wondered what the fuck that was all about. i feel so naive now. i mean - not that i don't typically feel naive and gullible and easily taken advantage of because i'm a retard, but you know?
oh trust.
i'm such a sucker sometimes. and other times i'm just so ready.
...
who does that? depends so heavily on another person?
besides a child, of course - but i'm not trying to demean him ... i'm just baffled.
but he mentioned in his email that the stability he gained while living with me was more than he's ever had.
oh sigh.
this could be really long and drawn out and i sent him mail back and it's going to have to be enough.
it has been over for so long - he apologized for hanging on and i can't let this hang me up. baggage.
this one's going over the bridge, into the water. it feels like a trunk.
there's a song on the radio that a girlfriend included on a very encouraging, love cd.
she wrote "to penny of my heart"
hearing it now reminds me that i have this moment to live and i'm moving on.
oh tears, fucking hell.
i'm so sad for him.
i wish he could find his way. i want him to change his life.
love is such a powerful thing.
moving on!
"the unconscious selection process has brought together two people who can either hurt each other or heal each other, depending upon their willingness to grow and change."
therapy tonight!
i'm SO going to talk to the doctor about this.
allison told me that mondays were her night too and that he told her that mondays were the day that all of his "bright" clients came in.
well ain't i special. and he doesn't even know me yet. he might have to move me to thursdays. heh.
teasin'.
i ain't so bad.
i have a list of things that i want to address.
maybe i mentioned this already.
i wrote a bunch of "issues" down on a sticky note and i plan to walk in there and give it to him, let him keep it in my file.
his office is about an hour away from my office... so i can leave work on time, have time to think in the car on the way up there... read while i wait for the scheduled appointment,
and then have about half an hour or so to mill in the car on the way home.
today's fortunes from the little book are:
~
speak out about issues that concern you
~
you will be given a post of trust and responsibility
~
do not take your love for granted, especially now.
what is WITH people today?
again,
four people have been in my office asking me if everything's alright.
FOUR PEOPLE
finally, the guy in the office next to me (we have a great relationship. what am i saying - i have great relationships with EVERYONE here - all so unique) comes in and asked me (about ten minutes ago) and explained that i've just been so quiet. and this IS, i must admit, unusual for me. typically i'm singing the circus song or laughing obnoxiously or jumping into peoples' offices with some silly something-or-other...
so gary (that's the guy's name) says that my office looks like i'm getting ready for vacation. i'm sure they all know i have ants in my pants but the truth is i have months to go before i can go anywhere and i could use this nice fluffy income and this comfy environment, my office with a door and windows, my plants, my big desk, my stickered monitor, the fully equipped kitchen, a file clerk, etc. until i'm ready to move on. and they will know.
i will give them plenty of notice.
(in my best 'fair lady) i'm a good girl, i am.
but gary's always been real with me and he has a great sense of humor. so i proved to him that i'm fine by explaining that i've just been catching up on myself and that i'm working on focus and told him some of my favorite blond jokes and we yukked it up and he went back to his office.
i love my job.
what's the difference between a blond and a mosquito?
one stops sucking when you slap it
ba-dum-bum-chs
~!
the receptionist in the office is pregnant and it's the cutest thing.
it's the first pregnant person we've ever had here! (isn't that interesting?)
just "AWE!"
she's such a sweety, too. she does anything i ask her to do and LIKES IT and she stands around in the kitchen while i make lunch, harping me about the healthy stuff i eat - and then goes and gets chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes from the diner ...
it's really quite the adorable-ness.
MY babies have NEW beds! (plants, pots)
they're very pretty.
so, tonight when i get home, i'll finish my laundry and clean up my hands.
they look like ass.
i'm not smoking again. and i'm not going to be drinking for a little while. i'm going to take a much needed break.
this week i'm doing a cleanse. i brought some really great stuff to make a salad to last a few days... kidney beans, celery, yellow squash, zucchini, broccoli, jalepeno, radishes, red bell pepper, mushrooms - whatever sounded good when i was at the market.
chopped and stirred and yum.
money is tight right now.
but i'm soaring emotionally.
these little buzzes of electricity i feel make my skin crawl, waves rushing down my spine from time to time.
sometimes i feel very aware of divinity and it soothes my spirit.
maybe it doesn't make much sense and it could be a little bit kooky but i don't care.
whatever works, right?
i had posted an exchange between my ex-boyfriend and me
but i took it back.
it was too much information, sorry.
it was really sad.
he called me on saturday while i was at work and we talked for about an hour.
i got irritated with him ... he got happy about it.
"i like to piss you off because it replaces the affection i miss from you"
"you like to stir the fire"
"you could say that"
"you like to stir it but you don't want to feed it"
"true"
"well you stir and you stir and the damn thing burns hot and then it burns out, asa. feeding it takes work. this is not nice."
he took a long walk and called me back.
"do you ever want to see me again?"
"i would not be opposed to seeing you but i will not seek you out."
we have mutual friends.
after another couple minutes i told him i had work to do.
i am so done with that.
this morning the email in my box was bitter and melancholy but sweet.
he said some really nice things to me and apologized and i feel like "FINALLY"!
but i responded to him. some of it was so negative about himself and so desperate and so very sad.
i tried to be encouraging and truthful.
i told him that we can't really be friends because i won't be around him with his alterior motives - it's insincere friendship.
it has been about thirteen months since i kicked him out of my apartment. and i warned him. three of us lived in an apartment together and in december i told him i'd be in my own place by february... he couldn't get his shit together and needed a place to sleep. i think he thought it would work out.
i had to wear pajamas to bed for months and that peeves me!
finally he moved out but he got a place two buildings down from me and i wondered what the fuck that was all about. i feel so naive now. i mean - not that i don't typically feel naive and gullible and easily taken advantage of because i'm a retard, but you know?
oh trust.
i'm such a sucker sometimes. and other times i'm just so ready.
...
who does that? depends so heavily on another person?
besides a child, of course - but i'm not trying to demean him ... i'm just baffled.
but he mentioned in his email that the stability he gained while living with me was more than he's ever had.
oh sigh.
this could be really long and drawn out and i sent him mail back and it's going to have to be enough.
it has been over for so long - he apologized for hanging on and i can't let this hang me up. baggage.
this one's going over the bridge, into the water. it feels like a trunk.
there's a song on the radio that a girlfriend included on a very encouraging, love cd.
she wrote "to penny of my heart"
hearing it now reminds me that i have this moment to live and i'm moving on.
oh tears, fucking hell.
i'm so sad for him.
i wish he could find his way. i want him to change his life.
love is such a powerful thing.
moving on!
"the unconscious selection process has brought together two people who can either hurt each other or heal each other, depending upon their willingness to grow and change."
therapy tonight!
i'm SO going to talk to the doctor about this.
allison told me that mondays were her night too and that he told her that mondays were the day that all of his "bright" clients came in.
well ain't i special. and he doesn't even know me yet. he might have to move me to thursdays. heh.
teasin'.
i ain't so bad.
i have a list of things that i want to address.
maybe i mentioned this already.
i wrote a bunch of "issues" down on a sticky note and i plan to walk in there and give it to him, let him keep it in my file.
his office is about an hour away from my office... so i can leave work on time, have time to think in the car on the way up there... read while i wait for the scheduled appointment,
and then have about half an hour or so to mill in the car on the way home.
today's fortunes from the little book are:
~
speak out about issues that concern you
~
you will be given a post of trust and responsibility
~
do not take your love for granted, especially now.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
bishopufb:
hi sweety.... I wish you could make somebody change their life.. but there's nothing you can do.... sometimes it seeems the more you help them... the worse it gets...... oh yeah.. i changed my name...
roagnailt:
question? who is R and who is A? I've been out of the loop