This afternoon I finished Jean-Paul Sartre's The Age of Reason. It was, as one might expect, depressing (French existentialism, could it be anything but?). The thing that struck me, however, was Sartre's definition of the "age of reason."
To him, it's that level of maturity where one realizes that freedom isn't everything; or rather, that to be truly free one must be tied down to something, committed to something. Basically, the same message as The Unbearable Lightness of Being and the Eagles' "Desperado."
The confusing thing is, I feel that way already. The characters in these novels are in their 30s. How I wish I could explain that. Of course, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I just think I have wisdom and perspective. I've certainly done enough idiotic things in the very near past.
And yet...I feel oddly centered. My mind is hushed, like the sea gone placid in the wake of a storm. I don't feel angry, or destructive. On the contrary, I want to create. In particular, I want to find an old, crappy table, remove whatever paint is on it, sand, and apply finish. A project, something happily simplistic & domestic.
I am, I think, content with the Way Things Are. And I feel like myself. By which I mean I don't feel divided, at odds. I don't feel trapped, or like I'm a little creature hiding in this shell, playing this role that's been handed me by some past incarnation, someone once known as 'Connor.'
This might be happiness. As such, and for once, I'm not going to question it. Not going to overanalyze. But I'm going to smile. And sleep well. And fucking pity anyone that tries to mess with this.
Usually that's me. So, James, a new toast: To learning from our mistakes.
Update, Dec. 1: Nothing's changed, except now it's the month of my birth (aka hellmonth). And it's been even longer since I've seen her. Thus, a certain amount of pain. But it's...well, it's sorta good pain.
Must go make dinner.
Dec. 2: I am not your rolling wheels,
I am the highway.
Fuck it's cold. Long day ahead of me, and I just want to go back to sleep.
The weekend is so close I can smell it. And damn I need the downtime/several drinks.
And Sunday needs to be oldschool...housecleaning and NPR. Damn straight.
To him, it's that level of maturity where one realizes that freedom isn't everything; or rather, that to be truly free one must be tied down to something, committed to something. Basically, the same message as The Unbearable Lightness of Being and the Eagles' "Desperado."
The confusing thing is, I feel that way already. The characters in these novels are in their 30s. How I wish I could explain that. Of course, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I just think I have wisdom and perspective. I've certainly done enough idiotic things in the very near past.
And yet...I feel oddly centered. My mind is hushed, like the sea gone placid in the wake of a storm. I don't feel angry, or destructive. On the contrary, I want to create. In particular, I want to find an old, crappy table, remove whatever paint is on it, sand, and apply finish. A project, something happily simplistic & domestic.
I am, I think, content with the Way Things Are. And I feel like myself. By which I mean I don't feel divided, at odds. I don't feel trapped, or like I'm a little creature hiding in this shell, playing this role that's been handed me by some past incarnation, someone once known as 'Connor.'
This might be happiness. As such, and for once, I'm not going to question it. Not going to overanalyze. But I'm going to smile. And sleep well. And fucking pity anyone that tries to mess with this.
Usually that's me. So, James, a new toast: To learning from our mistakes.
Update, Dec. 1: Nothing's changed, except now it's the month of my birth (aka hellmonth). And it's been even longer since I've seen her. Thus, a certain amount of pain. But it's...well, it's sorta good pain.
Must go make dinner.
Dec. 2: I am not your rolling wheels,
I am the highway.
Fuck it's cold. Long day ahead of me, and I just want to go back to sleep.
The weekend is so close I can smell it. And damn I need the downtime/several drinks.
And Sunday needs to be oldschool...housecleaning and NPR. Damn straight.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
neodrunk:
btw- don't stay at home alone, get out and continue to enjoy being around your friends and family. it's healthy.
neodrunk:
ps- i care about you, but not in a gay way... not that there's anything wrong with that! 