Oh yeah. So that's my friend James' work; partial of his panorama of our favorite drinkin' spot on the St. Paul bluffs. The full is a few entries down here.
In other news, I've made a somewhat major decision (why now, I don't know), but I'm taking next semester off. I've wanted to take a break for years; I couldn't do it up till now because the scholarship I had vanished if you weren't a full time student all four years. That's gone now anyway, and it's time for me to fulfill my bizarre dream of working 40 hours or more instead of this bullshit. Yay freedom! That, and the forthcoming fights with my mom...yeeha.
Why can I never be happy? Why can't I live in the moment, instead of brooding over everything that can and will go wrong? I try to remember the words of comfort I've read, and they slip away as the days. I look them up, and they ring hollow. I wish to believe, but belief is a graveyard. I want to cry, but sorrow is stupid. And the tears refuse to leave their mountain shack; they are holed up there, craving only nitroglycerin. A shotgun. Hasty Molotov cocktails.
Can't I leave? Must one accept the slavery of gratitude, of expectations? I'm not what I thought I would be. Isn't what I am good enough? No, of course not. I know that, but it's a start. Progress is slow, my mistakes mount higher and higher. Regret and guilt stalk the glades of fear. Maybe they can be brought down. Maybe, but my doubts say otherwise. How powerful a thing is love? It doesn't make you happy; this is abundantly clear. But I agree that it releases in one the capacity to become happy, something I've not had for some time now. And here, back at start, I hope that I may be able to build something resembling a life. My expectations are not low, but small. I want so little out of life. Just enough.
And I'm tired of waiting.
Just so y'all know, if I vanish for awhile, don't worry. I may need some time.
Without you, we'll deflate as you throw the cold water of your loss on us.
Listen to your owner, she is benevolent and just.
Saying you aren't what you thought you'd be is a no win question. What are you, then? What should you be? How do you define exactly what it is you need to accomplish to be who you think you should be? Having goals is great but there are few things in life that most people will experience that they look at as a defining moment in who they are. You are very young, the odds of finding enough of those moments in your life to define yourself is probably slim.
Sinking away won't help you find yourself. It will make things worse. I believe the best way to see yourself is through the eyes of those who care for you. What better way to find the courage to live than to take their positive energy for you and harness it for your own self-esteem. You should hold onto those people. If you don't, you will miss them more than you ever thought you would.
The grass is always greener...
[Edited on Oct 26, 2004 5:54PM]