Day-Dreaming
I'd love to be a professional photographer... developing my own pictures in my own darkroom in the basement of the big gorgeous old house that I own, where my children live with my partner and I and our assortment of dogs, who lounge sleepily in the sunshine and our cats, who parade around the large garden either watching the frogs jumping around in the big pond with its reeds and water-lilies, or trying to catch the birds that are fluttering about in the weeping-willow and blossom trees...
There'll be fruit trees too... plums and apples and pears, and I'll make jam and plum tarts and apple crumble and the pears will be the juiciest pears ever, refreshing in the summer... the children will be running around on the large lawn, prancing in and out of the water-sprinkler in their bathing suits, laughing and giggling and having to lay down exhausted in the shade of the willow tree for a few moments to catch their breath again...
And I'll be watching from the kitchen window, watching my creations living and breathing, watching part of me experiencing life in all it's painful yet beautiful glory... and maybe there'll be a little one in a rocker sat next to me as I bake or wash up or do the bills on the kitchen table... or maybe I'll be sorting through the proofs of the photographs I've recently developed from that big party at the local gala... the baby will be gurgling happily to itself, chewing on a raw carrot because he or she is teething, and the cool of the carrot is comforting in so much pain...
And my partner? Where will they be? Who will they be? He'll be close by, not in the same room, but close... maybe he'll be watching the children from the veranda or patio, reading his paper, or fixing something on the garden table... the children will nag him to go play with them, to chase them like Grandpa did for Mummy when she was young, when he pretended to be the swamp-beast and would run after her and auntie Jess growling and roaring and making them squeal with delight...
And he'll protest that he's busy, with a twinkle in his eye, so they know he's not mad at them, he just needs a little space for the moment... and they'll know he's a wonderful Dad and that they just have to be patient and if they go and play by themselves, he'll sneak up on them when they're least suspecting it and make them jump... and I'll hear the giggling from the kitchen table where I'm sat, my little finger in the baby's mouth so he or she can suck on something to soothe them to sleep in the hot summer afternoon...
And as the day comes to a close and the children are tucked up in their beds after a good meal at the garden table, we'll sit on our veranda and survey our garden, our property, our life... we'll have a glass of wine or a beer because the evenings are still so hot from the daytime's strong summer sun... we'll relax, hand in hand and just be... just exist... our own little private world, knowing that we've worked hard for it, knowing that it's been a trial, a long hard road, knowing that it's still going to be tough ahead, but knowing that we have each other to support and guide and cherish and most of all love...
And when it starts to get too chilly as the moon rises over the willow trees, he'll hug me, rub the goose-bumples from my arms, kiss me tenderly and he'll take me inside out of the night-time breeze... We'll go upstairs to our bedroom, littered with photographs of our wedding, our honeymoon, our children, our life... and he'll kiss me again and we'll make love and I'll know he loves me and I'll know he still wants me and that I'm not ugly in his eyes, that I'm beautiful to him and that although life sometimes gets really bad and it seems like we won't make it, we love each other and we are implicitly connected with each other and so we'll work through anything together...
I'd love to be a professional photographer... developing my own pictures in my own darkroom in the basement of the big gorgeous old house that I own, where my children live with my partner and I and our assortment of dogs, who lounge sleepily in the sunshine and our cats, who parade around the large garden either watching the frogs jumping around in the big pond with its reeds and water-lilies, or trying to catch the birds that are fluttering about in the weeping-willow and blossom trees...
There'll be fruit trees too... plums and apples and pears, and I'll make jam and plum tarts and apple crumble and the pears will be the juiciest pears ever, refreshing in the summer... the children will be running around on the large lawn, prancing in and out of the water-sprinkler in their bathing suits, laughing and giggling and having to lay down exhausted in the shade of the willow tree for a few moments to catch their breath again...
And I'll be watching from the kitchen window, watching my creations living and breathing, watching part of me experiencing life in all it's painful yet beautiful glory... and maybe there'll be a little one in a rocker sat next to me as I bake or wash up or do the bills on the kitchen table... or maybe I'll be sorting through the proofs of the photographs I've recently developed from that big party at the local gala... the baby will be gurgling happily to itself, chewing on a raw carrot because he or she is teething, and the cool of the carrot is comforting in so much pain...
And my partner? Where will they be? Who will they be? He'll be close by, not in the same room, but close... maybe he'll be watching the children from the veranda or patio, reading his paper, or fixing something on the garden table... the children will nag him to go play with them, to chase them like Grandpa did for Mummy when she was young, when he pretended to be the swamp-beast and would run after her and auntie Jess growling and roaring and making them squeal with delight...
And he'll protest that he's busy, with a twinkle in his eye, so they know he's not mad at them, he just needs a little space for the moment... and they'll know he's a wonderful Dad and that they just have to be patient and if they go and play by themselves, he'll sneak up on them when they're least suspecting it and make them jump... and I'll hear the giggling from the kitchen table where I'm sat, my little finger in the baby's mouth so he or she can suck on something to soothe them to sleep in the hot summer afternoon...
And as the day comes to a close and the children are tucked up in their beds after a good meal at the garden table, we'll sit on our veranda and survey our garden, our property, our life... we'll have a glass of wine or a beer because the evenings are still so hot from the daytime's strong summer sun... we'll relax, hand in hand and just be... just exist... our own little private world, knowing that we've worked hard for it, knowing that it's been a trial, a long hard road, knowing that it's still going to be tough ahead, but knowing that we have each other to support and guide and cherish and most of all love...
And when it starts to get too chilly as the moon rises over the willow trees, he'll hug me, rub the goose-bumples from my arms, kiss me tenderly and he'll take me inside out of the night-time breeze... We'll go upstairs to our bedroom, littered with photographs of our wedding, our honeymoon, our children, our life... and he'll kiss me again and we'll make love and I'll know he loves me and I'll know he still wants me and that I'm not ugly in his eyes, that I'm beautiful to him and that although life sometimes gets really bad and it seems like we won't make it, we love each other and we are implicitly connected with each other and so we'll work through anything together...
of course as i know from some of my studies in science that there is no such thing as an ideal anything. sucks that life happens to work the same way but what are ya gonna do? well what you can do is make it as close to ideal as possible. similar things happen with science - there might be no such thing as a truly ideal gas but hydrogen is pretty darn close. so what am i trying to say here? we all want perfect lives but it aint possible so make the most of what youve got.
no worries about being out of touch...i've been both busy and without reliable internet to call my own.
but my dreams are starting to come true and it's thrilling. i'm sure they won't all come true (actually can't because some are conflicting) but it's enough that one or two are.
big big big hugs and miss you smooches