cigne

I want this semester to be over and school to be done with. I think Ive had enough. My life feels like a car pileup sometimes. I am the one who turned the wrong way , and I keep getting car after car after car piled up on top. At the bottom I cant even see the light at the top anymore and I feel trapped and suffocated. Like the momentum of my life will keep going this way and things will accumulate until I have no chance of getting free. Project after project, job after job, debt after debt , show after show, class after class, commitment after commitment it just keeps coming. I want to sleep. I have my goal , I know this is the path I need to take to do my nursing degree and I cant quit now as much as I feel like it would be good for my mental health to do so. I believe this is the career that I am meant for, something that I can help people with and direct my passion and compassion into. But, every once in a while I have my doubts. I know deep down that dance is the love of my life. When I was younger there was no doubt in my mind that I would be dancing for all of my life. When I was younger I also had no concept that this choice may perhaps keep me broke and jobless for a good portion of my life.

But school is leaving me uninspired. My eyes are dull , and gone is all the passion I once felt for my numerous causes. I wanted to kick some serious ass , but now I just want to keep my ass awake. I want endless time to be inspired and inspire others. To volunteer , act , write , dance , play my accordion, create things and destroy things, attend shows and events, socialize with my friends, nap in the middle of the day with my lover, and read books. I want to have endless afternoons, drinking lukewarm beer with Angie and repeating the same beautifully simple conversations over and over again. Or mornings spent in the coffeeshop pretending to read while I check people out.
Right now it feels like these things wont come back , but I know they will. I just need to suck it up and stick it through. I will be proud of myself when its all said and done.
That felt good to write.

Regards and Filthy Thoughts,
Cigne