I think I finally have cracked my shell. ever since i posted my previous blog I have felt off and in part was true i am not going to sleep tonight. This crack has been years coming and is a long story but I think I need to say it to make myself feel better.
Back in the day I lost my pap my moms father he was the first loss of a loved one I had ever experienced. I cried for days and still miss him so much to this day, Nothing any one said or did could help me. I dont know what it was but from this point on I never showed grief and held in so many emotions. I have never worked up the corage to visit his grave. Only times I have is when I burried my aunt bev and my mother.
Several months latter my grandmother *dads mom* who we were living with passed away. And I held everything I could in. To this day I have told no one this story not even my parents. I came home from school. My grandmother was sitting in her chair rocking back and forth. I knew something was up cause she looked pale and stressed. The first thing she said to me is this is the end. I didnt know how to register what she had said. Then she was telling me her kidneys were shutting down and that my aunt Kimmie was on her way to take gram to the hospital. So for what seemed to be an hour I tried to convince gram everything would be fine. 1 day later she was dead. combitnation of kidney failure and heart attacks. I have never told anyone this everyone thinks i got home the same time Kimmie got there. She was burried at the local church graveyard 500 feet from the farm house we had lived.
Death in my family idk how to put it. One day it rips the family apart then it seems to pull it back together. The death of my Pap seemed to rip my mothers side of the family appart as the death of my grandmother brought back family members I hadnt seen much of if at all in my life together.
Fast forward to winter 2007 My aunt Bev was dianosed with cancer. She came over for new years and seemed to be doing alright not to far off from her normal self. Had a good night like we normally did on news years. Come Spring things changed. while undergoing Kemo my aunt Bev suffered a stroke and this would ultimatlely be the end. a week before she passed my mother and my gram*mom's mom* went to visit Bev. I think it was harder to see her in a medical bed in the condition she was then it was at her funeral. I still can't get the image of her lying there in a daiper barely able to sip apple juice out of a straw. Then at the funeral I kept telling myself she was better off and I find myself fighting with myself how could she be better off she is dead and it was better then living. People who read this will think I'm cold blooded but you do'nt understand that I saw her as my second mother and I just cant fatham this into words properly.
1 week before my Aunt Bev's passing my moms cousin Dana passed away. Me and my mother went to tell my gram. When we got to her house she was already in tears and my uncle dan was there. So we brought up Dana and my gram didnt know anything and she became hysterical. My Uncle Dan began yelling at my mom and struck her. To who has known me since I have been on this sight knows how that ended. So I dont want to say it again. TO say the least tensions at my Aunt Bevs funeral was at a Peak.
2008 was a bad year
3 friends from High School, Keil/alchol Poisoning, Stephanie/car accedent, Nate/Unknown just went in his sleep
Aunt Bev, Dana,Great Aunt Louis
2009
I started school so I was away from home 9 months of the year. Great Aunt Carissa passed Dana mother. She was the artist in the family but she died from extreme obeisity she was over 700lbs. I didnt know her the greatest just a few meetings over the years cause she never left her home.
Then 12:02 am November 15th my Birth day. My dad calls and wishes me a happy 21st Birthday. Followed directly by Uncle Frank just passed away. I mean my dad has done some shitty things but this was the worst. I didnt celebrate my birthday. I had friends come to the city to visit and I told them to just go home. I couldnt go home for Franks funeral I was in Philly and my parents wouldnt come get me because I was working on my finals.
I think I should have have had an emotional break down then. My January term. I didnt even try. I went to like 7 classes all term this ultimatly led to my current school issues. I just couldnt focus and was depressed the whole time that I was away from home.Some of my friends even pointed out how off I was from my normal self. Some people have told me I should go to a shrink to vent. I dont think they would help to much. Then again the people who told me this are prescribed so many anti depression pills they dont know what true emotion is. I just need time and to vent. This blog has helped me say alot that on my mind. And please give me feed back.
Today's Earlier Blog
Tough day today.
Got a hair cut only plus today.
State Trooper in charge of my moms case came by this afternoon. He came to get a last thing or 2 so he can finish his report and turn it over to the district attorney's office. They are going to file charges against the driver. The State Boy told us what he could be charged with Anything up to Vehicular Homocide max but he said they will proly charge him with some degree of manslaughter.
On other things he said some things that I didnt need to hear. In the way my mom was under the truck to how she looked when the picked the truck up. I know I am not sleeping tonight. Only thing that helps is to know she didnt feel pain it was very quick.
My Moms Senoir Picture haha wasnt till 2 days ago that I found any more recent pictures. So many memories.I miss her smile so much it could warm her heart even on the worst day. Trust it did.
Back in the day I lost my pap my moms father he was the first loss of a loved one I had ever experienced. I cried for days and still miss him so much to this day, Nothing any one said or did could help me. I dont know what it was but from this point on I never showed grief and held in so many emotions. I have never worked up the corage to visit his grave. Only times I have is when I burried my aunt bev and my mother.
Several months latter my grandmother *dads mom* who we were living with passed away. And I held everything I could in. To this day I have told no one this story not even my parents. I came home from school. My grandmother was sitting in her chair rocking back and forth. I knew something was up cause she looked pale and stressed. The first thing she said to me is this is the end. I didnt know how to register what she had said. Then she was telling me her kidneys were shutting down and that my aunt Kimmie was on her way to take gram to the hospital. So for what seemed to be an hour I tried to convince gram everything would be fine. 1 day later she was dead. combitnation of kidney failure and heart attacks. I have never told anyone this everyone thinks i got home the same time Kimmie got there. She was burried at the local church graveyard 500 feet from the farm house we had lived.
Death in my family idk how to put it. One day it rips the family apart then it seems to pull it back together. The death of my Pap seemed to rip my mothers side of the family appart as the death of my grandmother brought back family members I hadnt seen much of if at all in my life together.
Fast forward to winter 2007 My aunt Bev was dianosed with cancer. She came over for new years and seemed to be doing alright not to far off from her normal self. Had a good night like we normally did on news years. Come Spring things changed. while undergoing Kemo my aunt Bev suffered a stroke and this would ultimatlely be the end. a week before she passed my mother and my gram*mom's mom* went to visit Bev. I think it was harder to see her in a medical bed in the condition she was then it was at her funeral. I still can't get the image of her lying there in a daiper barely able to sip apple juice out of a straw. Then at the funeral I kept telling myself she was better off and I find myself fighting with myself how could she be better off she is dead and it was better then living. People who read this will think I'm cold blooded but you do'nt understand that I saw her as my second mother and I just cant fatham this into words properly.
1 week before my Aunt Bev's passing my moms cousin Dana passed away. Me and my mother went to tell my gram. When we got to her house she was already in tears and my uncle dan was there. So we brought up Dana and my gram didnt know anything and she became hysterical. My Uncle Dan began yelling at my mom and struck her. To who has known me since I have been on this sight knows how that ended. So I dont want to say it again. TO say the least tensions at my Aunt Bevs funeral was at a Peak.
2008 was a bad year
3 friends from High School, Keil/alchol Poisoning, Stephanie/car accedent, Nate/Unknown just went in his sleep
Aunt Bev, Dana,Great Aunt Louis
2009
I started school so I was away from home 9 months of the year. Great Aunt Carissa passed Dana mother. She was the artist in the family but she died from extreme obeisity she was over 700lbs. I didnt know her the greatest just a few meetings over the years cause she never left her home.
Then 12:02 am November 15th my Birth day. My dad calls and wishes me a happy 21st Birthday. Followed directly by Uncle Frank just passed away. I mean my dad has done some shitty things but this was the worst. I didnt celebrate my birthday. I had friends come to the city to visit and I told them to just go home. I couldnt go home for Franks funeral I was in Philly and my parents wouldnt come get me because I was working on my finals.
I think I should have have had an emotional break down then. My January term. I didnt even try. I went to like 7 classes all term this ultimatly led to my current school issues. I just couldnt focus and was depressed the whole time that I was away from home.Some of my friends even pointed out how off I was from my normal self. Some people have told me I should go to a shrink to vent. I dont think they would help to much. Then again the people who told me this are prescribed so many anti depression pills they dont know what true emotion is. I just need time and to vent. This blog has helped me say alot that on my mind. And please give me feed back.
Today's Earlier Blog
Tough day today.
Got a hair cut only plus today.
State Trooper in charge of my moms case came by this afternoon. He came to get a last thing or 2 so he can finish his report and turn it over to the district attorney's office. They are going to file charges against the driver. The State Boy told us what he could be charged with Anything up to Vehicular Homocide max but he said they will proly charge him with some degree of manslaughter.
On other things he said some things that I didnt need to hear. In the way my mom was under the truck to how she looked when the picked the truck up. I know I am not sleeping tonight. Only thing that helps is to know she didnt feel pain it was very quick.
My Moms Senoir Picture haha wasnt till 2 days ago that I found any more recent pictures. So many memories.I miss her smile so much it could warm her heart even on the worst day. Trust it did.
philconnors:
Hey CL. I just thought I would drop by and say hey. Thinking about ya'