I was really pressed for time this morning so I didn't get to post everything I had to say.
I wanted to say something about the idea of having different I's. It was very interesting to me because I seem to have many. I am different in every situation with every person I know. How do you know which one is the "right" one. I know the person I am most comfortable with is the one that noone else really likes. So I have to decide between extreme loneliness and be happy with myself, or compromise the self I like to be with others? I am always happiest when I only try to please myself. I guess that is natural. But if I am trying to fit in with family or friends, other moms or coworkers, then I feel that I have to pretend to someone that they think I should be. NORMAL I am not normal and when I try to be then I am miserable. If I am trying to conform then I do not like myself. I have always had a different sense of things in life, like the things I am intereseted in such as music, or arts, or clothing styles. I always stuck out because I did things the way I wanted. The older I have gotten the harder it is for me to stick out. I want to conform and blend in, even though it makes me unhappy.
Right now I am having a difficult time with the wife role, sometimes it is the parent role, or the daughter role.It seems everyone I know has a different expectaion of you I should be and I try to please them. I always was the one in the family to try and make peace or try not to make trouble. I didn't like things to be uncomfortable, so if I had to act a certain way then I did. I feel that this may be from being abused and feeling like I had to please my uncle by doing the things he wanted. He must have had a way to get me to do those things and I have continued to let people mold me into what they think I should be. So here I am 30 years later still trying to please everyone else (especially men)
See I am complicated
So how do you get all of those people to get together and decide which one is going to be the leader? And then once you do that how do you deal with the people that are not going to like you because you have changed, at least to them you have. I can't decide if I am to old to change of just say screw it and do it anyway. I hate confrontation and will do just about anything to avoid it. So I keep trudging along at this waiting for something to enlighten me.
When I first found this site I was so excited because it is full of people who are like me. That like things outside the norm. Not one person that I have told about this site enjoys it like I do. Someone always makes a comment about it. Someone always makes me feel like I have to defend my right to enjoy the groups and the people on here. It drives me crazy!!!
I wanted to say something about the idea of having different I's. It was very interesting to me because I seem to have many. I am different in every situation with every person I know. How do you know which one is the "right" one. I know the person I am most comfortable with is the one that noone else really likes. So I have to decide between extreme loneliness and be happy with myself, or compromise the self I like to be with others? I am always happiest when I only try to please myself. I guess that is natural. But if I am trying to fit in with family or friends, other moms or coworkers, then I feel that I have to pretend to someone that they think I should be. NORMAL I am not normal and when I try to be then I am miserable. If I am trying to conform then I do not like myself. I have always had a different sense of things in life, like the things I am intereseted in such as music, or arts, or clothing styles. I always stuck out because I did things the way I wanted. The older I have gotten the harder it is for me to stick out. I want to conform and blend in, even though it makes me unhappy.
Right now I am having a difficult time with the wife role, sometimes it is the parent role, or the daughter role.It seems everyone I know has a different expectaion of you I should be and I try to please them. I always was the one in the family to try and make peace or try not to make trouble. I didn't like things to be uncomfortable, so if I had to act a certain way then I did. I feel that this may be from being abused and feeling like I had to please my uncle by doing the things he wanted. He must have had a way to get me to do those things and I have continued to let people mold me into what they think I should be. So here I am 30 years later still trying to please everyone else (especially men)
See I am complicated
So how do you get all of those people to get together and decide which one is going to be the leader? And then once you do that how do you deal with the people that are not going to like you because you have changed, at least to them you have. I can't decide if I am to old to change of just say screw it and do it anyway. I hate confrontation and will do just about anything to avoid it. So I keep trudging along at this waiting for something to enlighten me.
When I first found this site I was so excited because it is full of people who are like me. That like things outside the norm. Not one person that I have told about this site enjoys it like I do. Someone always makes a comment about it. Someone always makes me feel like I have to defend my right to enjoy the groups and the people on here. It drives me crazy!!!
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I`m glad you decided to talk on here. You know you can mail me any time ok.
First thing, the I`s. Don`t take things too literally with that. Its someones`s thought, someone`s idea about how things are. Its got truth in it, but it isn`t the TRUTH.
Sometimes you do need to play a role, at work, or dealing with certain things.
There are so many issues concerning your Uncle. I think that is the hardest thing for you to come to terms with and `stones` are the wrong food.
I`m going out on a limb here, but I guess the hardest thing to come to terms with is that somewhere in you you know you might have wanted that attention from your Uncle. We all want attention to some degree. But you must forgive yourself, because you were a child, and manipulated by someone that was in a position of trust.
I hope I haven`t got that completely wrong and offended you.
It helps to sit quietly and feel yourself with your mind. There is a core to you that has all the answers, you just need to quietly listen to it. There are no thoughts in that place, just knowing.
You can`t be liked by everybody so stop trying. You are you and you`re beautiful, inside and out. Try your friends out with some of your differences, pick your moment and let them know. If they are not intrested then find others that are. You can`t relate to someone on all levels if they are closed to what you are trying to say. Try to pick moments that they are open. Try listening to them too.
I`m sending you a big cuddle.