Friday Oct 20, 2006

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Seems like today is the day for me to feel every little painful thing possible. I want to be able to day that I am happy but that happiness never comes. The best that I can feel is content. I am tired of this emotional rollercoaster I am riding. I just don't know how much longer I can do it. I have started to hide my depression again, and I cannot bring myself to go to therapy. I never know how I will feel minute to minute. I like being a part of this website because I know that I have a place to vent where I wil not be judged. Everyone in my family had this notion of what I should be, and that is not who I am. So I fake it. Honestly I don't know who I am or where I am or how to find it.Thank you guys for listeming to this rant. But I know I will feel better knowing you are there to listen.

silveronthetree:
I`m right here mate.

Faking it to shut people up is easy, but harder in the long run.

I hope you find the courage to set them straight.

if you`re slipping back into hiding how you feel, you should at least confide in someone, maybe your hubby.

Love to you and send me a mesage if you need.

Love silvery
chryssi:
Thank you for your thoughts. It helps to know I can say things and have someone to understand. I wish that I could talk to my hubby, but I have so many secrets that if I stared to ask for help I would end up alone. Certain people have slipped back into my life and are again causing me to be self-destructive. I cannot seem to fing the strength to fight it off, or sometimes I think that I look for it because of an underline feeling of feeling worthless.

I thought I had gotten through these feelings when I finally confronted and resolved my sexual abuse. I thought that was what was behind my actions. But I feel like I am still trying to recreate the abuse. I am so tired of this pity party I keep having for myself. It seems that I don't know how to be anything but depressed. I have lived this way for so long that it is easy and comfortable. Like a warm blanket to protect me from the cold. But the blanket is full of poison. This is crazy, but I'm going to post it anyway. It is how I feel right now, but I am sure it will fade as the goes on.

Thak you Silvery, and I am glad that I could help you feel better to. Anytime you need a lift let me know.

Chryssi

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