chryssi

How do you know when you are on the road you should be on? This is always a troubling question for me. Ever since childhood I feel like I've just been wandering through life, with no solid goals. I have trouble accepting my life as a wife and a mother. One day I'll be completely satisfied and the next day not. Somedays I am so materialistic. The things I want are not things that my husband can afford. Then I'l turn around and feel like I have everything in the world. And I do have everything that I need. But what is missing? How can I find what is right for me? I am questioning everything and every decision I've ever made. I've never been like that. I've never said that "I regret.... ). Now I am. Maybe I didn't marry the right person, maybe I haven't made good decisions for my children? Maybe I haven't made the right decisions for myself?
I hate my self-pity mood, but somewhwere it has to come out. If not then I will explode. I've had journals before and they always have contained the deepest darkest thoughts of myself and my life. Only when I am in self-pity mode can I reallly question myself. When you are in "My life is perfect" mode then you naturally don't question. Today for the first time in 3 years I had a very happy and lovely memory of my mother when I was a child.
Why? I didn't have an unhappy childhood, I knew there were good times, I just never would let myself see them. I got so absorbed in my own personal unhappiness, that I've realized I never look on the positive things of my childhood. I never look on the positive sside of anythiing.
My husband asked why I had not written any new poetry lately. I said I can only write when I feel bad, depressed, angry, hurt, ugly. I can only tap into that side of my emotions. That's one reason I no longer keep a journal, I can only write when things co wrong. Lately things are going pretty good for me. I'm just in one of my lonely, yet don't want to talk to anyone moods. So I aplopogize for dragging on, and I thank you for listening, Chryssi