Note: To those of you just arriving...I had a big ass epiphony Late Saturday Night/Early Sunday Morning. It was a long, three hour walk. Look at the last bunch of journals if you want to read about it. K? K.
The Three Hour Walk: Hour 3:
It was getting kind of chilly. I knew I wasn't done. The end of the trail wasn't here yet. I felt that I'd be able to reach a conclusion mentally, when I reached a destination physically. So I kept walking. What did I have in my head right now?
Why couldn't I relate to people? Why was it so hard for me? How can I start strengthening relationships that have to be strengthened? And on the note of relationships, Was I Bisexual? Was I straight? How drastic was this going to affect my future? It's not the label I'm concerned with, nor what other people would think, but how can I manage myself if I don't know what I am? Whatever I might be, why didn't I know already? And what the hell next?
It was pretty quiet, except for the call of a bird somewhere. It was weird. I haven't heard any birds at all during the walk. Crickets, yeah. the occasional Frog. The "Bloop" of a fish that popped up somewhere in the lake nearby. This is the first bird i've heard. It was rasping out a "Thweee Thwee Thwee". pause for about 4 seconds. "Thweee Thwee Thwee" again.
I couild tell which tree it was coming from. I stood and tried to see if I could see it moving around. I couldn't. "Thweee Thwee Thwee" I clapped (lightly) three times. it stopped. "Thweee Thwee Thwee" it went again after a few more moments, and I clapped again three times. pause. "Thwee" clap. pause. Thwee Thwee, clap clap.
I mimicked the Bird's chirp pattern with a clap. I was wondering if it was picking up on it... if it noticed I was copying it's pattern. After a while I tried to mix it up a little bit... to see if I could get IT to mimic my pattern. It didn't. I kept this up for more of a time. I walked closer, and clapped. It was no doubt louder for the bird, and I think it was quiet because of me. It probably thought I was a threat or something. I went over, touched the tree. I wondered if, like the Neon Palm Tree before, if I was noticing something about it that was going to help me come to a conclusion or something. Was it helping me? Was it hurting me? What was up with this bird and tree?
I couldn't really think of anything. Perhaps My mind just needed something to distract it from all the questions I was barraging it with. I patted the trunk and walked on.
the path was getting kind of windy... this was a point in the trail where there were playgrounds and more benches... the path winded around the trees. I was asking myself blunt questions, trying to get to the bottom of things.
I remembered something I said a long time ago, that there's a little bit of homosexual-ness in every person. Just a bit. someone would have to be a little nuts to hate their own sex... they'd have to hate themselves a hell of a lot as a result... And besides... when it comes to hate, it sometimes goes hand in hand with Love... there are relatives I hate... but sometimes I hate them because someone I love loves them, and I can't do anything about it (Like my Uncle and Aunt. Uh... can of worms... avoid for now! Later)
Anyway, I was mainly thinking about the Old friend of mine, whom I thought I may have been in love with. Was I attracted to him.... I had my hands in my pockets, I was looking at the ground, walking forward kind at a brisk pace.
I followed the trail. Passed a large tent with lots of picnic tables under it. I contemplated if I could crash here, and sleep till morning. I was exhausted, and wasn't any closer to a conclusion. Before I could come to a decision, I had already walked past it.
I turned a corner in the trail, and suddenly found that I was on a dirt path. (I was wearing my Chuck Taylors... and you know how the shock absorption is in those things... NIL) I looked up, and this dirt path led to the Lake. I had been walking parallel to the lake all this time, and this path led to the lake. It deviated from the path I thought I was going to follow... but without putting thought into where I would go next, I walked down this path. Suddenly... I remembered a dream. I wanted to remember the significance of this dream... so I spoke it aloud to myself... Sometimes thinking of something, you gloss over some facts. Speaking it, allowed me to focus on the details
(Note: I originally had this dream a few days after a different friend (to whom I'll refer to as "DF") of mine got married. It was his second one. The woman ("DFW") already had kids from a previous marriage. I saw my friend as a Dad for the first time. It was neat)
((Here's a recap of the dream for you all))
I was walking in a forest. It was Autumn. The leaves were orange, yellow, gold, and billowing down. It was kind of grey in the sky. It was brisk temperature.
There were desks all over the place... wooden desks, with papers stacked high on them. the papers and the leaves were billowing around in the wind.
I pass a shack. After I pass it, I hear the door open, and footsteps. One pair of footsteps is running. the other is walking briskly. I think they're following me... but I don't look back to see if they are or not. I don't know.
I walk toward a lake. There's a slight downward grade into the water. On the gradation, it's lined with small smooth rocks, beige, white and earthy red. The sky is cloudy... but it's bright. There's a lot of light that day... but it wasn't direct sunlight.
The area of Lake I'm looking at is near the Lakes Outlet... it runs to my left and turns into a slow moving river. The trees on the other side of the lake are also fire-and-gold autumn colors. there are houses that are growing... like trees. Like they belong in the environment.
I stand in the water, up to my ankles, and then sit on the dry stones. I take in the view. I hear the footsteps coming closer behind me. I don't move, don't acknowledge them (thinking it'd be best to remain calm... in case it might be someone trying to do me some harm).
From behind me and to my right, a little blonde girl scampers into the water. She's crying out in delight for her father to hurry along. From the same direction walks a tall Lanky guy, "DF". He grabs his daughter's hands and swings her around in the water. I smile, it's so cool to see him as a Dad (I kind of feel like Aragorn, in the Fellowship of the Ring flick, chuckling as Merry and Pippin are dog piling on Boromir). They don't seem to know I'm there though.
Then "DFW" wife comes from the same direction At first she looked just like her... but after a time she didn't. Like she was a different woman... SORT of looked the same, but not. Instead of looking at "DF" and their daughter, she's was looking right at me. Our eyes lock. I'm transfixed. She's smiling... my mouth is agape. There was a connection between us. I felt, while looking into her smiling eyes, that I was whole. Complete... but also yearning. It felt as if all the empty parts of me were full... while we looked at each other...
She slowly looked away, and looked at "DF" and their daughter. I was still somehow linked to her. It was all whole. My heart swelled and I woke up.
Originally, I interpreted my dreams rather literally... or not at all. I thought "why did I love DF's wife? I don't know her very well... " and kind of hoped I didn't get to know her, I didn't want to fuck up their marriage, if we were like, destined for each other or something...
((END DREAM))
I was standing at the very spot by the lake that was in my dream. It was night... It wasn't Autumn... but the lake was the same... the little area I was standing was the same (almost... there more of a mucky sand instead of a pebble laden shore, and it kind of smelled a bit) It was right near the lake's outlet...
My mind soaked in the memory of the dream that flooded back... I saw it in a whole new light... In the dream, when:
1) I didn't look back at who was making the footsteps, I was ignoring something that was coming at me. It came to me at that location by the lake.
2) When I looked into DFW's eyes... I wasn't looking at a person I yearned for... I was looking at a future I yearned for. Or at least a possible path I wanted to take. And the fact that DFW didn't look like DFW after the first few moments... maybe I was looking into the eyes of the woman I'd eventually fall in love with.
It all hit me. I still had unanswered questions. I still didn't know if I was sorta gay or Bi or whatever... I still didn't know how I was going to fix the faltering relationships in my life, I didn't know what I was going to do next... but It hit me that, I knew what I yearned to live for.
I was looking straight up in the sky, There wasn't a single cloud in the sky. I saw a few shooting stars (or maybe fireflies... they were really subtle... maybe just my eyes playing tricks) I looked at the sky as the realization swam through my head.
I might be attracted to some men. Who knows. I'll find out if I'm Bi sometime over the course of my life.
I know I need to fix some relationships in my life. I'll get to them. I'll take care of it. Doesn't matter if I know how, but I'll do it somehow.
No one ever knows what they're going to do next, and I'm no different. But I did knew what I yearned for. I want to look into the eyes of a woman... and feel everything become complete. That was it.
(That, and, of course... also that I have to get the hell out of my parent's house
)
The walk back was long, but brisk. I felt I had a newfound energy. It was a tremendous weight off my mind. Now that I reached my epiphany, My mind was celebrating by taking everything in... smelling the air, feeling the wind, hearing the nocturnal animals softly live, seeing things I wouldn't see in the daytime (my eyes were very well adjusted to the dark now)
On the way back, I saw the Neon Palm Tree house again, and started laughing. I thanked some higher power for people with garish bad taste. I walked back and thought about the whole higher power thing.
I was raised Catholic, and my family (well, my Mom is at least) really religious. For years I've been a firm believer that there is no REAL religion. Like, if there is a God, the humans don't have it right, and CAN'T have it right. I just don't think it's POSSIBLE for humans to REALLY know. I always thought that if there was a God, human's aren't going to know what s/he's all about.
It might sound cheesy, but that night I believed that s/he was there. Not any Judeo-Christian god, or a Islamic God, or any other type of *specific* god out there. I believed that there was one. Had no idea what the heck it was up to, or what it's deal was, but That there was some sort of Power out there.
As I walked back, There was a fucking brilliant shooting star. Or a Meteor. Or a fucking UFO or something. It was BRIGHT AS FUCK, Bluish white, it zipped South East, then dwindled out into nothing. It was amazing. I didn't know if it was a sign or something. It was shooting towards my house, but if it was a sign, it's probably pointing me further than that.
Who knows? I'll find out someday.
The Three Hour Walk: Hour 3:
It was getting kind of chilly. I knew I wasn't done. The end of the trail wasn't here yet. I felt that I'd be able to reach a conclusion mentally, when I reached a destination physically. So I kept walking. What did I have in my head right now?
Why couldn't I relate to people? Why was it so hard for me? How can I start strengthening relationships that have to be strengthened? And on the note of relationships, Was I Bisexual? Was I straight? How drastic was this going to affect my future? It's not the label I'm concerned with, nor what other people would think, but how can I manage myself if I don't know what I am? Whatever I might be, why didn't I know already? And what the hell next?
It was pretty quiet, except for the call of a bird somewhere. It was weird. I haven't heard any birds at all during the walk. Crickets, yeah. the occasional Frog. The "Bloop" of a fish that popped up somewhere in the lake nearby. This is the first bird i've heard. It was rasping out a "Thweee Thwee Thwee". pause for about 4 seconds. "Thweee Thwee Thwee" again.
I couild tell which tree it was coming from. I stood and tried to see if I could see it moving around. I couldn't. "Thweee Thwee Thwee" I clapped (lightly) three times. it stopped. "Thweee Thwee Thwee" it went again after a few more moments, and I clapped again three times. pause. "Thwee" clap. pause. Thwee Thwee, clap clap.
I mimicked the Bird's chirp pattern with a clap. I was wondering if it was picking up on it... if it noticed I was copying it's pattern. After a while I tried to mix it up a little bit... to see if I could get IT to mimic my pattern. It didn't. I kept this up for more of a time. I walked closer, and clapped. It was no doubt louder for the bird, and I think it was quiet because of me. It probably thought I was a threat or something. I went over, touched the tree. I wondered if, like the Neon Palm Tree before, if I was noticing something about it that was going to help me come to a conclusion or something. Was it helping me? Was it hurting me? What was up with this bird and tree?
I couldn't really think of anything. Perhaps My mind just needed something to distract it from all the questions I was barraging it with. I patted the trunk and walked on.
the path was getting kind of windy... this was a point in the trail where there were playgrounds and more benches... the path winded around the trees. I was asking myself blunt questions, trying to get to the bottom of things.
I remembered something I said a long time ago, that there's a little bit of homosexual-ness in every person. Just a bit. someone would have to be a little nuts to hate their own sex... they'd have to hate themselves a hell of a lot as a result... And besides... when it comes to hate, it sometimes goes hand in hand with Love... there are relatives I hate... but sometimes I hate them because someone I love loves them, and I can't do anything about it (Like my Uncle and Aunt. Uh... can of worms... avoid for now! Later)
Anyway, I was mainly thinking about the Old friend of mine, whom I thought I may have been in love with. Was I attracted to him.... I had my hands in my pockets, I was looking at the ground, walking forward kind at a brisk pace.
I followed the trail. Passed a large tent with lots of picnic tables under it. I contemplated if I could crash here, and sleep till morning. I was exhausted, and wasn't any closer to a conclusion. Before I could come to a decision, I had already walked past it.
I turned a corner in the trail, and suddenly found that I was on a dirt path. (I was wearing my Chuck Taylors... and you know how the shock absorption is in those things... NIL) I looked up, and this dirt path led to the Lake. I had been walking parallel to the lake all this time, and this path led to the lake. It deviated from the path I thought I was going to follow... but without putting thought into where I would go next, I walked down this path. Suddenly... I remembered a dream. I wanted to remember the significance of this dream... so I spoke it aloud to myself... Sometimes thinking of something, you gloss over some facts. Speaking it, allowed me to focus on the details
(Note: I originally had this dream a few days after a different friend (to whom I'll refer to as "DF") of mine got married. It was his second one. The woman ("DFW") already had kids from a previous marriage. I saw my friend as a Dad for the first time. It was neat)
((Here's a recap of the dream for you all))
I was walking in a forest. It was Autumn. The leaves were orange, yellow, gold, and billowing down. It was kind of grey in the sky. It was brisk temperature.
There were desks all over the place... wooden desks, with papers stacked high on them. the papers and the leaves were billowing around in the wind.
I pass a shack. After I pass it, I hear the door open, and footsteps. One pair of footsteps is running. the other is walking briskly. I think they're following me... but I don't look back to see if they are or not. I don't know.
I walk toward a lake. There's a slight downward grade into the water. On the gradation, it's lined with small smooth rocks, beige, white and earthy red. The sky is cloudy... but it's bright. There's a lot of light that day... but it wasn't direct sunlight.
The area of Lake I'm looking at is near the Lakes Outlet... it runs to my left and turns into a slow moving river. The trees on the other side of the lake are also fire-and-gold autumn colors. there are houses that are growing... like trees. Like they belong in the environment.
I stand in the water, up to my ankles, and then sit on the dry stones. I take in the view. I hear the footsteps coming closer behind me. I don't move, don't acknowledge them (thinking it'd be best to remain calm... in case it might be someone trying to do me some harm).
From behind me and to my right, a little blonde girl scampers into the water. She's crying out in delight for her father to hurry along. From the same direction walks a tall Lanky guy, "DF". He grabs his daughter's hands and swings her around in the water. I smile, it's so cool to see him as a Dad (I kind of feel like Aragorn, in the Fellowship of the Ring flick, chuckling as Merry and Pippin are dog piling on Boromir). They don't seem to know I'm there though.
Then "DFW" wife comes from the same direction At first she looked just like her... but after a time she didn't. Like she was a different woman... SORT of looked the same, but not. Instead of looking at "DF" and their daughter, she's was looking right at me. Our eyes lock. I'm transfixed. She's smiling... my mouth is agape. There was a connection between us. I felt, while looking into her smiling eyes, that I was whole. Complete... but also yearning. It felt as if all the empty parts of me were full... while we looked at each other...
She slowly looked away, and looked at "DF" and their daughter. I was still somehow linked to her. It was all whole. My heart swelled and I woke up.
Originally, I interpreted my dreams rather literally... or not at all. I thought "why did I love DF's wife? I don't know her very well... " and kind of hoped I didn't get to know her, I didn't want to fuck up their marriage, if we were like, destined for each other or something...
((END DREAM))
I was standing at the very spot by the lake that was in my dream. It was night... It wasn't Autumn... but the lake was the same... the little area I was standing was the same (almost... there more of a mucky sand instead of a pebble laden shore, and it kind of smelled a bit) It was right near the lake's outlet...
My mind soaked in the memory of the dream that flooded back... I saw it in a whole new light... In the dream, when:
1) I didn't look back at who was making the footsteps, I was ignoring something that was coming at me. It came to me at that location by the lake.
2) When I looked into DFW's eyes... I wasn't looking at a person I yearned for... I was looking at a future I yearned for. Or at least a possible path I wanted to take. And the fact that DFW didn't look like DFW after the first few moments... maybe I was looking into the eyes of the woman I'd eventually fall in love with.
It all hit me. I still had unanswered questions. I still didn't know if I was sorta gay or Bi or whatever... I still didn't know how I was going to fix the faltering relationships in my life, I didn't know what I was going to do next... but It hit me that, I knew what I yearned to live for.
I was looking straight up in the sky, There wasn't a single cloud in the sky. I saw a few shooting stars (or maybe fireflies... they were really subtle... maybe just my eyes playing tricks) I looked at the sky as the realization swam through my head.
I might be attracted to some men. Who knows. I'll find out if I'm Bi sometime over the course of my life.
I know I need to fix some relationships in my life. I'll get to them. I'll take care of it. Doesn't matter if I know how, but I'll do it somehow.
No one ever knows what they're going to do next, and I'm no different. But I did knew what I yearned for. I want to look into the eyes of a woman... and feel everything become complete. That was it.
(That, and, of course... also that I have to get the hell out of my parent's house
)
The walk back was long, but brisk. I felt I had a newfound energy. It was a tremendous weight off my mind. Now that I reached my epiphany, My mind was celebrating by taking everything in... smelling the air, feeling the wind, hearing the nocturnal animals softly live, seeing things I wouldn't see in the daytime (my eyes were very well adjusted to the dark now)
On the way back, I saw the Neon Palm Tree house again, and started laughing. I thanked some higher power for people with garish bad taste. I walked back and thought about the whole higher power thing.
I was raised Catholic, and my family (well, my Mom is at least) really religious. For years I've been a firm believer that there is no REAL religion. Like, if there is a God, the humans don't have it right, and CAN'T have it right. I just don't think it's POSSIBLE for humans to REALLY know. I always thought that if there was a God, human's aren't going to know what s/he's all about.
It might sound cheesy, but that night I believed that s/he was there. Not any Judeo-Christian god, or a Islamic God, or any other type of *specific* god out there. I believed that there was one. Had no idea what the heck it was up to, or what it's deal was, but That there was some sort of Power out there.
As I walked back, There was a fucking brilliant shooting star. Or a Meteor. Or a fucking UFO or something. It was BRIGHT AS FUCK, Bluish white, it zipped South East, then dwindled out into nothing. It was amazing. I didn't know if it was a sign or something. It was shooting towards my house, but if it was a sign, it's probably pointing me further than that.
Who knows? I'll find out someday.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
I don't think you sounded pretentious, rather, idealistic.
too much to yap about here.
call me [erm.... im gonna be gone. maybe next week] and ill try and talk to you about it again.
you clapped with a bird. i think i love you.
ps how are you?