chrono01

The Three Hour Walk: Hour 2

OK, I guess it does sound more like a fiction story than it does a raw recount of events... I wish I had a tape recorder or something while I was walking. oh well. It's taking me a while to type down all the things I thought about, and the things I felt. It's harder than I imagined, to get it down accurately. It's taking longer than I expected. Sorry. But it's not something I can keep to myself. I need to learn to communicate more, and I can't do that by staying quiet.

That was hour 1. This was hour two (To those who want to read Hour 1, check out yesterdays journal)

The fact that I have a hard time expressing my thoughts and feeling was clear to me. I have been unable, throughout my past, to express love in a way that is more than the broader, general kind of love. I haven't really expressed how I feel to certain family members, or the 4 women whom I've fallen hardest for, but never managed to start a relationship with.

This made me think about how I interact with people. How I treat my family, how I treat my friends. The Neon light palm tree made me think. It projected one thing to the world. A sort of plastic, kitsch, produced image. This tree really made me think. About objects. materials. Stuff. And I realized that I've tried to get attention from others, or gain favor, by stuff.

I really looked at myself with this new realization. I've never bought people's friendship... but it seems to be the way I've tried to keep friends over the years. Being really generous with my stuff, loaning stuff, giving away stuff. And it wasn't just stuff to be given... When I visit college friends... I feel that I should have a huge portfolio of work to show off... that somehow, if I don't have that, I wouldn't feel that I should visit, like maybe I wasn't worthy? I dunno Why I felt wrong about it, just that I did.

I just felt that I relied on materials too much. Stuff. Many of you haven't seen my room and studio. I have TOO MUCH FUCKING STUFF. Sometimes it makes me sick. But I keep acquiring it (I've been better the last year... I haven't bought that much at all). Sometimes I just give it away to family or friends.

Trying to be a generous person is one thing. But at that point, walking by the lake looking back at all the times I've used stuff in friendships... I sometimes (not often) I relied on materials in LIEU of making a gesture of friendship or love, well, I felt sick about it. I'd come up with something that would make it seem like I was making a gesture, but I tried to make the object speak for me. Which is just a cowardly way out of it, I guess.

Anyway, I ruminated on this. My mind reflected on those whom I really cared for. I wondered if I relied on material good to stay in their favor. I wondered if this reliance on materials kept me from expressing myself, or in general kept me from what I wanted in life. I looked at the 4 women whom I fell most hard for.

I looked at each situation... and again, to make a really long story a little less long, I won't get into the details of the 4 stories, I'll just say that reliance on materials wasn't an issue. Good.

Where I did use them was with family... and friends. Again, not often, but sometimes. Often, it was a way to actually help them... other times it was because I had something, I didn't need it, they did, and I gave it to them no question. OK. But there were occasions where I used the material as the easy way out... or a patch up. Not often, but sometimes.

I think that's the only way I know how to express love. Give stuff. Make a good impression? Bring beer. Loan money. Loan stuff. People want stuff.

What other ways did I try to express something more than my "Mid level" expression of love? I thought. I couldn't think of anything. All the things I try to do for people I do for everyone, wether or not I am in love with them or just friends or family or whatnot. I listen to people, I give advice when I can, help when I can, offer support... again. Good things, sure... but That's about as big as it got. Mid levels of love can be expressed thought that way... but At least each time I did it, the larger love can't. It's like getting a baseball through a water hose.

I sort of shifted thoughts here... I made a mental note to not rely on Stuff as much in the future. and my mind sort of shifted to other topics.

I continued walking. I ruminated that the Bigger Love hurt. It hurt when the Big Love went bad, didn't go well, or just disappeared. Whenever something came and hindered the Big Love, it hurt. Wasn't always someone's fault... sometimes it was just an unfortunate situation.

I looked at how I was hurt, and whom I was in love with when the hurt happened. The situations surrounding the 4 women I fell in love with over my life hurt. Relatives who died, before I could talk to them, that hurt. It hurt that I love my Dad, but neither of us can seem to get past our bullshit and reconcile (maybe it's hereditary). There was another instance of hurt that crept up on me. During the walk, thinking about this stuff, I thought of one of my best friends.

**Quick History**: We were friends since elementary school, and right up through college. We hung out all the time. I wouldn't say we were inseparable... but we'd always wind up hanging out with each other. Of course there were difficulties, every friendship has em... He asked out the first girl I fell in love with ONE MINUTE before I was going to. I wanted to kill him over that... but I got over it... She was happy, I respected her and him, so I forced myself to be the friend. College started. I went out of state, he stuck around home.

Over the years in college we still talked, but each time I came home, it was stranger hanging out with him. He had become pretty integrated in the local scene. It got to the point where every time we'd hang out, and a fellow scenester would walk by... I'd be invisible. No introduction. If I tried to get into the conversation, I'd get stares, maybe a little chuckle, then they'd resume talking. This really pissed me off, I felt as if he was just hanging around me because he felt obligated because we've been friends for such a long time.

That hurt. For the longest time I just chalked it up to anger. Good ol' dependable predictable anger. I haven't hung out with him since. really pissed me off. **END HISTORY**

But while I was walking last night, thinking about this. It seemed very odd, that I would think of this hurt along with the other types of hurt. So far it was family members, and potential girlfriends. Then him. Yeah, it hurt. I figured it hurt the same way the shit with my Dad hurt. But... I didn't seem to buy it.

I kept walking, and tried to avoid the possibility that was sitting in my mind, sitting there glowing like that palm tree I was trying to ignore. Yeah, I loved him. He was my best friend for over a decade and a half. I loved him like a friend, or a brother. That has to be it. But again, I was unsure.

I looked around, at the path at night. I was still pretty far from the end of the trail, but farther than I was to just turn around and go home. I'm out here, I have to deal with this. I laid on the ground and looked at the sky and asked myself the question.

Did I love him, more than a friend?

I had to ask the question to myself often. I had to get used to it. I don't have a problem with homosexuality, or Bisexuality or whatever, but now that I had to figure out if it pertained to me, I felt scared. That maybe this is why I haven't been able to start relationships with women my whole life... Was I gay?

It was difficult to think about... because I never really knew if any of the 4 women I fell in love with... actually really loved me. In fact the only person whom I actually KNOW was in love with me that way, was a gay man. This may sound corny (but there's no other way I know how to put it) Did his "Gaydar" sense me as being gay without me actually knowing I was?

I repeated the question, just to get used to it. I had to work through it logically... There was no other way I knew to tackle it. I came up with a few undeniable facts.

1) I loved women. The big four weren't just crushes, or flights of fancy. I loved em. I wanted to be near them. I wanted to be a part of their lives. And, yeah, I wanted to have sex with them. (So I knew I wasn't 100% homosexual. Now I had to figure out if I was bisexual)

2) I love men in a family way. I love My Dad, despite the bullshit between us, Love my brother, uncles, etc.

3) I love men in a friend way, which is a lot like the family way. Like a Brother.

4) It does hurt when a family member or friend that you love does something that makes you feel not wanted.

I guess what was really in question about my friend was if I was attracted to him. If I wanted to be with him the way I wanted to be with the women I've fallen in love with. I had to wrestle with these questions for a long time.

I decided to try and compare the ex-friend in question with My Dad...

Both were people I admired. Why did I admire them. They were doing things I wish I could do. Deep down I wanted to be like them. Is that a part of why I loved them? I kept thinking... I can, eventually, do what they do, and be what they are. That was reachable...

So I verified that I did love my friend in a solid, family kind of way. But the one thing I couldn't answer was if I was attracted to him. I wondered if I could picture kissing him. I thought about it... but it didn't seem to make sense to me.

It didn't disgust me, it didn't repel me. But I couldn't tell if it was something I wanted to do. Like the damned Lion King Song, my mind kept showing it to me. I wasn't sure if my mind was ASKING me if this is what I wanted, or if it was TELLING me this is what I wanted.

I couldn't come to a conclusion. I knew I wasn't all gay, but didn't know if I was bi or not (or if there was like, a percentage... like 20% gay, 80% straight... I don't know.) This night was about looking at my past, and figuring out what the hell my future would be all about.

All I knew was that I wasn't finished walking. I got up and kept going.

I have the rest typed up... but it's kind of a garbled mess. I need to shuffle through it, and get it legible. I'll post it up when It's done.