The three hour walk yesterday: A big look at Life and Myself.
Last night, It started small. Very small. My Dad asked me if I was dumping my ink water (the 10% ink 90% water mixture remaining after I do ink drawing) in the upstairs sink. He asks me if, in the past, If he's told me not to rinse my ink water there. I said yes, he did tell me that. He looked at me and hinted "the ring around the drain is a lot blacker than usual... a LOT blacker" I replied saying that I haven't inked anything for about 2.5 months. Even if I was dumping in the sink, I couldn't have done it recently. He mentioned again how black the ring on the sink was. then he left it alone and went to bed.
Now, he does this every once in a while... he'll be cool for the whole day, then he'll get hung up on some tiny little thing that doesn't REALLY matter in the end. NORMALLY, he gets REALLY angry about it. Starts slamming things around, cursing up a storm. (And this would really rattle me. I guess parents still have a lot of influence and intimidation over their kids, even if they're fully grown) He usually does it when he's ready to go to bed. (just as I, on my night schedule, sit down to type or work creatively) So he confronts me, or goes on a rant, and I'm pissed off for the rest of the night.
However, this didn't happen this time. He just left it alone and went to bed.
Which, at first, was great. Usually I'm so pissed at him... that I do nothing but type heated angry rants about how much he pisses me off. But last night, no argument, no yelling, "Great" I thought.
For some reason, something was bothering me. I was instant messaging, and it struck me that I had something to say. I just didn't know what it was, or how I had to say it. There was something bothering me. I just couldn't tell what it was. I sort of meandered online for a while later... hoping it would hit me.
It didn't. So I went for a walk. It was about 12:30-45 am. Sometime like that. I walked down at Onondaga Lake.
Last time I did this, it was during the blackout about a week ago. It was nice... no lights, no nothing. I could walk along the lake trail and nothing but blackness and the natural light of the moon and fireflies.
This time though, There were lights of the NYS Fair across the lake... blaring, Lights from the houses up on the hill (uber-bright lights that blare and annoy). It wasn't as calm or relaxing as the walk was a week ago. I also had an annoying song stuck in my head, That "Can you feel the Love Tonight" from the Lion King. I think it's strange how songs I've only heard once or twice can get stuck in my head and play over and over, or at least the first line. That's all my mind decided to replay at this time. "Can you feel the love tonight" blah blah blah..." Can you feel the love tonight". I thought my own mind was against me.
But I kept walking. I had to figure out what was bothering me. The only thing I had on my mind was that damned Lion King song. So I decided to dissect it. "Can you feel" I asked myself. I really thought about it, I tested each sense. Yep. I can feel. all 6 senses in check.
(NOTE: I include "thought", which I've always counted as a sense. The first 5 wouldn't be any good if our minds couldn't process what our nerves, eyes, ears, nose, and tongue were feeling. Anyway)
So. All Six Senses are go. Check. I can feel.
"Can I feel the LOVE?" I thought about that. Love is hard to define. Especially for someone who has been dateless for such a long time. But I figured I'd use the definition of Love that's broader in scope. Instead of the love of a girlfriend, the love of a wider family, or humankind in general. Can I feel the love? I thought about it. Yeah. I could. It wasn't huge, but it was there and I could feel it.
OK. So that's all good. I can feel "the love". Great. So what was the problem?
As I pondered this, I was walking past a rich house that was on a little pond... the side of the house facing the water seemed to be all windows. and in one of the windows was this HORRIBLE GARISH neon light palm tree... with an umbrella and electric water. It looked horrible. it filled the whole area with an unnatural green light that made thinking pretty tough.
I pondered why I still felt troubled. I kept turning around and looking at the ugly neon palm tree. Angry. It was distracting me. I tried to focus, each time looking back at that horrendous looking thing. "Who would want something like that? It's so garish and nasty looking..." I kept trying to go back to my thoughts. I wanted to shut that damned thing out of my mind. How could anyone like that... processed... manufactured... thing... just projecting one superficial image to the world... making people like it... but forever only putting forth one face for people to see. Eventually, people would get tired.
Then something occurred to me. I could feel the love, but I often can't DEAL it. I've emitted, basically for my whole life, a sort of "all-encompasing-all-purpose-one-size-fits-all" kind of love. Sometimes I have surges, and dish out the love... but for the majority of my life, I felt I was kind of like the Neon Palm Tree. I started to think of the people I've loved over the course of my life (family, friends, almost-girlfriends). When it comes to EXPRESSING the love... I suck. I seem to emit a "really really like" vibe, but nothing as strong as a "love" vibe. Might explain why I always seem to become the "friend".
Anyway. This was progress. I was getting somewhere but I wasn't done. I had to keep walking. For some reason I felt I had to walk the whole trail, and I was only about halfway there. I started thinking of the people with whom I've fallen in love. I've never been able to manage to get a relationship off the ground before. I've fallen hard, many times. I wont get into detail about it (there's only 4 women that I really fell for this hard, but each situation was rife with details and stories. I'll spare you the tedium, the story you're reading now is long enough...).
I had to figure out what kept me back. Was it me, or was it the situations in each almost-romance that kept me from going any farther? And is this about love? Was I operating on a certain preconception of love that might not exist, or perhaps has just changed?
That was perhaps the first hour's worth of thought. I was walking for a little more than three hours. I'll be transcribing that night further, and be posting it here over the next day (or two). I've only had moments like this maybe 3 times in my life prior to this. The whole experience, I basically dug in the dirt that makes me up, and kept digging and found things I didn't know was there, and tried to figure out what the heck I have been doing with my life (and not realizing it till now) and also to figure out what to do with it next.
Previously, when I did some soul searching, I just kept it to myself, secure in that I figured something out, and being happy with that. But one of my problems is that I don't communicate the things that matter. And if I do, it's an email or something that was typed, re-written and revised till it sounded like a short fiction story as opposed to something that I experienced.
So I'm sharing it with everyone. I'm not angling for any kind of sympathy or anything, I'm just saying what I felt and discovered. Sort of a Documentary of my mind and past, in a way.
more tomorrow (or late tonight... depending on how much I get to type). Bur right now...time for some Dinner. Be back in a while
Last night, It started small. Very small. My Dad asked me if I was dumping my ink water (the 10% ink 90% water mixture remaining after I do ink drawing) in the upstairs sink. He asks me if, in the past, If he's told me not to rinse my ink water there. I said yes, he did tell me that. He looked at me and hinted "the ring around the drain is a lot blacker than usual... a LOT blacker" I replied saying that I haven't inked anything for about 2.5 months. Even if I was dumping in the sink, I couldn't have done it recently. He mentioned again how black the ring on the sink was. then he left it alone and went to bed.
Now, he does this every once in a while... he'll be cool for the whole day, then he'll get hung up on some tiny little thing that doesn't REALLY matter in the end. NORMALLY, he gets REALLY angry about it. Starts slamming things around, cursing up a storm. (And this would really rattle me. I guess parents still have a lot of influence and intimidation over their kids, even if they're fully grown) He usually does it when he's ready to go to bed. (just as I, on my night schedule, sit down to type or work creatively) So he confronts me, or goes on a rant, and I'm pissed off for the rest of the night.
However, this didn't happen this time. He just left it alone and went to bed.
Which, at first, was great. Usually I'm so pissed at him... that I do nothing but type heated angry rants about how much he pisses me off. But last night, no argument, no yelling, "Great" I thought.
For some reason, something was bothering me. I was instant messaging, and it struck me that I had something to say. I just didn't know what it was, or how I had to say it. There was something bothering me. I just couldn't tell what it was. I sort of meandered online for a while later... hoping it would hit me.
It didn't. So I went for a walk. It was about 12:30-45 am. Sometime like that. I walked down at Onondaga Lake.
Last time I did this, it was during the blackout about a week ago. It was nice... no lights, no nothing. I could walk along the lake trail and nothing but blackness and the natural light of the moon and fireflies.
This time though, There were lights of the NYS Fair across the lake... blaring, Lights from the houses up on the hill (uber-bright lights that blare and annoy). It wasn't as calm or relaxing as the walk was a week ago. I also had an annoying song stuck in my head, That "Can you feel the Love Tonight" from the Lion King. I think it's strange how songs I've only heard once or twice can get stuck in my head and play over and over, or at least the first line. That's all my mind decided to replay at this time. "Can you feel the love tonight" blah blah blah..." Can you feel the love tonight". I thought my own mind was against me.
But I kept walking. I had to figure out what was bothering me. The only thing I had on my mind was that damned Lion King song. So I decided to dissect it. "Can you feel" I asked myself. I really thought about it, I tested each sense. Yep. I can feel. all 6 senses in check.
(NOTE: I include "thought", which I've always counted as a sense. The first 5 wouldn't be any good if our minds couldn't process what our nerves, eyes, ears, nose, and tongue were feeling. Anyway)
So. All Six Senses are go. Check. I can feel.
"Can I feel the LOVE?" I thought about that. Love is hard to define. Especially for someone who has been dateless for such a long time. But I figured I'd use the definition of Love that's broader in scope. Instead of the love of a girlfriend, the love of a wider family, or humankind in general. Can I feel the love? I thought about it. Yeah. I could. It wasn't huge, but it was there and I could feel it.
OK. So that's all good. I can feel "the love". Great. So what was the problem?
As I pondered this, I was walking past a rich house that was on a little pond... the side of the house facing the water seemed to be all windows. and in one of the windows was this HORRIBLE GARISH neon light palm tree... with an umbrella and electric water. It looked horrible. it filled the whole area with an unnatural green light that made thinking pretty tough.
I pondered why I still felt troubled. I kept turning around and looking at the ugly neon palm tree. Angry. It was distracting me. I tried to focus, each time looking back at that horrendous looking thing. "Who would want something like that? It's so garish and nasty looking..." I kept trying to go back to my thoughts. I wanted to shut that damned thing out of my mind. How could anyone like that... processed... manufactured... thing... just projecting one superficial image to the world... making people like it... but forever only putting forth one face for people to see. Eventually, people would get tired.
Then something occurred to me. I could feel the love, but I often can't DEAL it. I've emitted, basically for my whole life, a sort of "all-encompasing-all-purpose-one-size-fits-all" kind of love. Sometimes I have surges, and dish out the love... but for the majority of my life, I felt I was kind of like the Neon Palm Tree. I started to think of the people I've loved over the course of my life (family, friends, almost-girlfriends). When it comes to EXPRESSING the love... I suck. I seem to emit a "really really like" vibe, but nothing as strong as a "love" vibe. Might explain why I always seem to become the "friend".
Anyway. This was progress. I was getting somewhere but I wasn't done. I had to keep walking. For some reason I felt I had to walk the whole trail, and I was only about halfway there. I started thinking of the people with whom I've fallen in love. I've never been able to manage to get a relationship off the ground before. I've fallen hard, many times. I wont get into detail about it (there's only 4 women that I really fell for this hard, but each situation was rife with details and stories. I'll spare you the tedium, the story you're reading now is long enough...).
I had to figure out what kept me back. Was it me, or was it the situations in each almost-romance that kept me from going any farther? And is this about love? Was I operating on a certain preconception of love that might not exist, or perhaps has just changed?
That was perhaps the first hour's worth of thought. I was walking for a little more than three hours. I'll be transcribing that night further, and be posting it here over the next day (or two). I've only had moments like this maybe 3 times in my life prior to this. The whole experience, I basically dug in the dirt that makes me up, and kept digging and found things I didn't know was there, and tried to figure out what the heck I have been doing with my life (and not realizing it till now) and also to figure out what to do with it next.
Previously, when I did some soul searching, I just kept it to myself, secure in that I figured something out, and being happy with that. But one of my problems is that I don't communicate the things that matter. And if I do, it's an email or something that was typed, re-written and revised till it sounded like a short fiction story as opposed to something that I experienced.
So I'm sharing it with everyone. I'm not angling for any kind of sympathy or anything, I'm just saying what I felt and discovered. Sort of a Documentary of my mind and past, in a way.
more tomorrow (or late tonight... depending on how much I get to type). Bur right now...time for some Dinner. Be back in a while
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
clara:
I read it. No comment necessary. 
riply:
Yes, it was like a short fiction story ^.^ But it is good that you ARE finding things out about yourself, asking questions you don't normally ask. There is nothing to tell you buddy - no comfort sayings - your finding out why things go the way they go and what needs to be changed. I wish I had gone on that 3 hour walk with you, maybe we coulda figured out things together *since I really need to.*