chriskaasi

The typical fucking anxiety right at 11:00pm and Im sort of invited to meet people out tonight, though I know nothing will come of it (and nothing does.) fidgeting in front of the t.v. trying to slow my mind down trying to concentrate on Howard Stern who has Marilyn Manson on, and I dig the irony that stupid people view both of them as mean-spirits a pervert and a demon and I dont really see the difference in them and anyone else except for the fact that theyre famous both capricorns whatever. Im driving out to the beach trying to listen to the last Mystikal CD, hoping itll psyche me up, but as always stuff like that tends to have the opposite effect. Not only do I not get psyched up, but I actually start to feel beaten down, and I begin wondering what the hell I was thinking trying to leave the house in the first place. At the beach I make a drive by all the usual bars which arent as crowded as I expected them to be and besides at this point my anxietys gotten the best of me and I have no real intention of going out anyway. I drive once down the strip and make a halfass attempt to find Russ, but I convienently dont see his truck anywhere so I decide to go home. Theres something about the lights of the buildings at the beach that always catch my attention. Driving down 3rd street, life almost feels like a movie and I get that sad pang in my chest that sad sickly feeling of missing out on life the feeling of going home to drink alone on a Friday night when the rest of the world is dressed to the nines, drinking and dancing and fucking to all hours of the night, and Ill sit around and wonder why I live like an invalid a drunk invalid at that No, theres definitely something about the lights at the beach and I make a u-turn and head back to the Shell station on 16th ave., figuring Ill get some beers and head out to the beach just listen to the ocean stare out at all that blackness and the foam and crash all happening endlessly under a cold black sky. Getting out of my car a superstoned twenty-something white Bob Marley type walks past me, looking at me almost as if he doesnt quite understand something. Inside, I grab my beers at the cooler with that middle of the night anxiety that feeling of knowing youre gonna be shot in a robbery so some asshole can walk off with a paltry sum of say, one or two hundred bucks but no, I refuse to die, and this night is my night. The woman at the counter is unusually friendly and seemingly frazzled. Shes telling me how shes completely out of it how she left work at 6:00am, spent all day at the hospital, and then had to come back up here this afternoon to work the nightshift. The hospital staff has explained how they werent able to finish her fathers operation because he has a huge hematoma (and I dont really know what that is, but the situation sounds awful.) Her mother had the same thing two years ago and died right after the surgery. Shes so wrecked and I want so bad to do something for her, or say something comforting. Im trying my best but a typical huge crowd of Friday night hotchicks is busting in all at once and my attention is thouroughly accosted by the girl in front shes wearing jeans and a little red tank top, which perhaps sounds plain, but what you dont understand is this girl has the hugest natrual tits Ive ever seen oh my god! Shes fucking incredible, and at this very moment Im pretending not to notice her Im juggling lust and pain pushing hotchickie out of my head trying my best to say something reassuring to the cashiere. We say our goodbyes and obligotory have a good nights, and Im exiting out of that dull flourescent gloom. Im sitting in my car pretending to be busy with something or other, but truthfully Im looking at the girl in the red tank top. I cant get over this girl cant get over the way her tits bounce up and down when she walks cant get over how hypnotic her every move is cant get over the naked small of her back when she leans forward to hand the cashiere her money jesus, a perfect ass too. Im consumed once more with the thought of the cashiere and her father as I drive down 16th ave. and park at the beach by the condos. Im thinking the beach will be unbelievably spiritual and Ill pray for the cashiere and her father, only itll take on so much more importance since Im this close to God Im staring up into that deep blackness highlighted with diamondspecked stars and its so obvious to me that God must be right here in the Atlantic something in the crisp blackness of beachnight something so obviously Godlike. Im walking through the squishy sand up closest to the parkinglot entrance. I notice something moving off to the right something strange and suspicious in all this blacknight. Im afraid that its a bum, and whats worse is Im afraid Ive busted him jerking off. I keep walking in the opposite direction, glancing back over my shoulder, only now Im realizing its a couple and theyre making out. I climb up into the closest life guard chair, and try to seem preoccupied. Its pitch black out here, but I get the feeling theyve noticed me. Im drinking a beer and tilting my head back towards the stars, only secretly glancing at them out of the corner of my eye. Theyre rustling around, but now Im positive theyve noticed me. Theyre getting up and brushing themselves off. Theyre walking back towards the 16th ave. entrance and now Im dissappointed. I was starting to get so turned on. Ive never in my life just happened upon a couple having sex, and apparently tonight aint the night either fuck now Ive gotten such a rotten perverted streak bubbling up inside me, Im turning around in the lifeguard chair, looking at all the condos down the shoreline every single open window, and every single little orangeglow latenight light and one of them has to hold a couple having sex or atleast one single hotchick standing naked in front of the window but instead nothing not a goddamned thing right here and now my lust is driving me well, lust and the fact that Im fucking freezing and theres no way in hell I can spend another minute sitting in this lifeguard chair. I jump down, squishing into the coldsand and start wandering through this miserable cold darkness, constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for some derranged bum to come up and stab me in the back, or maybe some godawful thief to blow my brains out and take my wallet. Im paranoid, but at the same time I have such a devilish hotstreak of lust bublling up inside me that I cant stop. Im walking and walking and walking staring up at all the condos and all the open windows and all the little orangeglow latenight lights and theres not a single hot naked chick in sight which just serves to drive me that much more that and the fact that its so fucking cold I can no longer feel my feet but more importantly I know there has to be atleast one hot naked girl standing in front of an open window there fucking has to be. Further down the beach I see a dark mystery blob in the sand up ahead. It could be a rotting tree trunk or a random rock formation or god forbid, even some sort of dead animal washed up on the beach which has always served to utterly traumatize me, especially at night. I get a few steps closer and realize its a couple laying in sleeping bags. Theyre having the most romantic time and Im ruining it by tromping past them like a goddamn lunatic wandering the beach in the middle of the night. I walk past them as fast as I can, trying to give them their privacy though truth be told, once I realized they were people in sleeping bags I started wishing they were having sex again with my utterly perverse fantasy of stumbling upon unsuspecting people having sex. Im wandering down further now, closer to where the pier was before it burned down. Im by the hotels now, and there are a million college kids slobbering drunk on a million different balconies. Theres an idiot yelling at the top of his lungs something completely unintelligble, yet very audible. My hearts racing now, thinking surely, with all these drunk college dopes, Im finally gonna get my naked couple having sex in front of an open window, or better yet right out on the balcony hell, Kerry and I did in the middle of the day back in 97 at a hotel right down the street from here we were drinking around noon one day out on the balcony of our hotel when she stands up and takes her arms out of her dresss shoulder straps. She pulls her breasts out and starts rubbing her nipples and talking dirty to me What are you thinking right now? Do you wanna fuck me? Do you wanna fuck me right here in front of all these people?, and Im a little nervous but she keeps insisting that were so high up that no one can see us from down on the beach (which we both realized was total bullshit the next day when we were sober.) She sits back down in the chair beside me and pulls up her skirt. Shes not wearing any panties. Shes rubbing her clit with the bottom of the beer bottle. Shes spreading her lips open and rubbing the top of the bottle in the middle of her pussy, teasing herself just putting the tip of the bottle inside her and pulling it back out slowly. She gets up and stands in front of me. She undoes my pants, pulls my cock out, turns her back to me and sits on my lap, working my cock inside her. She grinds on me while I rub her tits which are completely exposed at this point. Shes grinding and grinding and talking dirty. Shes leaning forward and Im lifting her skirt up with my left hand. I work the thumb of my right hand into her ass and shes moaning more and more and I know this sounds pretty good, but in true Kerry fashion it has to come to an awful end. She freaks out when she realizes the people on the balcony below can hear us to which I reply something like, Who cares if they can hear us what about all the people on the beach who can see us?, but its no-go. She runs inside, starts crying, and calls her boyfriend to tell him that shes just cheated on him oh Jesus Christ Anyway, its fucking freezing and none of these college kids are the least bit naked, so I decide to turn around. Im walking back and the nightsky is blackcold and larger than anything comprehendable a million frozen jewels in the middle of nowhere. Im walking still paranoid, constantly looking over my shoulder waiting to be stabbed and robbed. Theres an odd lost kinda guy meandering not far ahead of me. He kicks at the sand and stares out at the ocean as I walk past him. I cant tell if hes dangerous or just some dumb nowhere kid. I stop and look over my shoulder again but hes nowhere to be found lost in the blackness of it all and frozen like the rest of us. Im walking and once again looking at the stars and thinking of God and the cashiere that I wanted to pray for out here in Gods obvious presence. Im thinking of my own problems that I wanted to pray for the fact that I feel like I have cancer the fact that my uvula started gushing blood earlier tonight when I was brushing my teeth the fact that its bled at random for over six years now the fact that alcoholics have such a high rate of throat cancer. I walk and look at the stars, but I ultimately stress over that poor cashiere and her sickly father. Why cant she find some simple comfort in this life? Why is it that the only simple comfort Ive found in this life is killing me? Im walking up to the beach entrance at 16th ave. and the open windows in the condos are nothing but huge disappointments. Im walking up to my car with an empty beer bottle in my hand, as another car is pulling up in the space beside me. Im anxious and gripping my bottle in a way thatll allow me to use it as a weapon if anyone jumps out of the car and tries to attack me. The people in the car are nervous when they see me. They leave the car running and refuse to get out until they see me unlock my car, get in, and start the engine. Theyre a couple of kids probably about eighteen or nineteen boy borrowed his parents car and came out onto the beach to spend some nice quiet time with his girlfriend. Part of me wants to grab another beer and go spy on them. Part of me wants so bad to see them having sex on the beach, but my logical side realizes theyre a sweet young couple realizes theyre no different than I was at that age when Aimee and I had wandered onto the beach in the middle of the night to talk she curled up against me in a lifeguard chair and it was one of the most incredible nights Ive ever had in my entire life Aimee with her head on my shoulder, and my heart pounding out crazy love in my head wishing I could spend the rest of eternity lost in that lockgroove lullaby with her sweet little body pressed up against me. Im off now, driving down 3rd street watching the lights which always get to me. Im looking at Caribbean Connection and planning on getting a tattoo tomorrow. Im getting onto JTB and driving over the intercoastal. Im listening to 764-hero and relating hard, even though Im not quite sure what theyre talking about. Theres something obvious and universal in the sound and feeling something obvious like God in the stars at the beach in the middle of a freezing cold night when you think you have cancer and youre walking along drinking, just trying to see people having sex in front of open windows. Im turning onto my street and feeling the little orangeglow streetlights and random whiteglow lights of empty grocery store parkinglots. Theres a crowd of street racer type kids mulling around in the gas station parkinglot. They blur by nondescript in my peripheral vision. My apartment complex is cold and uninterested in my night. It doesnt care that Ill let my cats out and stress while I drink myself sick in the emptiness of nowhere latenight. I drink and drink and drink, watching t.v. and listening to music at the computer. My cats come in around 4:00am and I love them and feed them and watch them get groggy and follow me from room to room until Im stationary enough for them to finally lay down and go to sleep. Its 4:36am and Im drunk. One cat is sleeping on top of my computer desk and the other is sleeping in a chair on the wall behind me. Im drinking and writing and drinking and writing. I dont want cancer, nor do I wanna drop dead from any other possible ailment or detestable situation. I wanna drink. I wanna keep listening to this 764-hero CD. I wanna watch my cats while they sleep. I wanna get all gooey and sentimental. I wanna acknowledge the true genius that is me. I wanna point at God when God is so obvious and say, Look everybody! See??? I told you so! And 764-hero says, What do we do when everythings gonna be fine? I suppose we learn to accept the obviousness of God and relish the new era.
Look you can die in October all you want, but theyll just re-born you in June a few years later you might as well wise-up and learn to make the most of it.