chris_pimp69

I have never written anything in here before really because i dont think anyone reads it or would be interested if they read it anyway but I thought I would make a small effort anyway tonight because I feel like im starting to sort my life out a bit now.

Since the start of this year it has felt like my life has been going downhill and I could see no way of turning it around. It started just before last christmas when i found out my girlfriend of nearly 3 years had been cheating on me for months without telling me and I am so shy when it comes to meeting new people or making a move on girls that I didnt think I would ever be able to find someone else but then, at the start of summer a new girl started at the hotel I worked at as a chef and although I didnt pay much attention to her when she first started, we spoke a bit and after a while i asked her out and almost as soon as i did the rumours about her and my hotel manager started. Obviously I ignored them all because

1. The hotel was the worst place ever for bullshit gossip, and

2. The manager was supposed to be my mate.

Anyway shit happened and the rumours turned out to be true and the manager was doing stuff with my girlfriend. I tried working there still but after a while it got too hard and i had to leave. I left with no job to go into and a house to pay for and pretty soon i was screwed for money and having to rely on my parents for food and stuff which just made me feel even worse. I was out of work for nearly 3 months without a penny and without being able to pay my rent, my landlady gave me notice on my house twice and both times I had to beg her for more time to pay and luckily she understood. In those 3 months I was so deppressed and felt like shit so much that most days i couldnt even leave the house and I just sat in for weeks at a time drinking too much and not answering my phone or anything. The bank used to ring me up every hour and i didnt dare answer or tell anyone so i got letters from the bank saying they were gonna send bailiffs round and everything. I started cutting myself, something i hadnt done since i was at school when i was about 15, and it felt good and i started doing it every day. I thought about just killing myself but I didnt want to upset my family or friends and thats probably the only reason I didnt do it but noone will ever no how close I came to it. I know I should have gone to see a doctor or something but I didnt know what i was supposed to say and I would have felt stupid explaining everything.

Two weeks ago I got a new job that pays alright and is about 60 hours a week which has made me feel so much better because I feel like I am actually doing something to help myself and even though i havent had my first wage yet I at least feel like I have made the first step towards sorting everything out.

I know ive probably gone on too much and bored everyone thats been reading by now but at least I feel better for writing it.

Hope next years better than this one.

Much love xx

(oh yeah, if anyone knows a photographer in the north of england preferably please can you give me a shout. cheers)