4.26.09. 0127. Tonight was a very real reminder of the months to come. This restlessness and anxiety always comes with the spring and summer seasons. It's like clockwork. I spent a lot of the night just walking around my town. Anything to not be in my room tonight. I can't be the only one who gets that feeling of impending doom when they come home to an empty house and can't muster up the attention to read or listen to music. It's not like I want to be around someone or anything and it's not like the house is any different than when I left in the morning but on hot nights like these it almost feels like a prison cell.
After work and grabbing something I came home and passed out for about an hour. I don't know why on earth I was so tired or when exactly it happened. I remember at a point, sitting on my couch, but then I woke up an hour later on my floor with a shirt crumpled up under my head for a pillow. I was sweating and the clothes that I had on were soaked. I got up and headed straight out the door. I like taking walks but I just wanted to get out of the house this time. I like to smell the smells and hear the sounds of my little town. I like to see lights on and pretend that the homes are filled with happy families and playful dogs and well behaved children. A family or a life like that is nothing that I'd ever want but I hope that people who want that get it. I believe the statistics would prove otherwise though and I know it's not usually the case though as I have to listen to people fighting in the apartment building next door all summer long. I have to see little children crying on their porches while their parent's scream at them or eachother from inside the houses. My roommate and I hear explosions followed by people screaming "MY BABY! MY BABY!" ...Seriously.
I guess I just get overwhelmed. I think that there is just so much great shit out there in the world and I want to be apart of it so much. So much great stuff that it kind of puts me into a state of anxiety because I have trouble focusing and finding a direction to go in. Sometimes I can just read a book or sit at the computer and write. Sometimes I play guitar. Sometimes I can put Miles Davis' 'Kind of Blue' on and shut my eyes and pretend that I'm in another time and place. I really feel like I lack discipline sometimes and I know that everyone says "Don't be so hard on yourself" but what's the alternative. Become an overweight, under-stimulated couch potato? Fuck that shit.
This new year has been heavy for me. We finally finished the new tattoo shop and that's a huge relief... The big turning point in my life this year was this Mike Watt interview that I keep plugging and talking about. That dude has been my hero for a long time and I got to interview him on the phone. I had no idea what I was going to do with the interview once I got it but I eventually submitted it to SuicideGirls and they fucking published it. I mean... Me?!?! Published?!?! Talking to Watt I realized a lot of things, mainly because he was telling them to me, about how you just really have to stay inspired. You have to stay active and creative. You just have to or else you go stale! I feel like I'm always fighting the mediocrity and complacency inside of me and it is seriously an uphill battle. Those voices inside that say, "That's good enough" or "Fuck it, why even try," You know the ones I'm talking about. The shit that keeps you from kicking the ass that's out there to be kicked by every one of us. All of us have infinite potential and it tough to realize that sometimes. I do poetry readings when I can. I self published 3 or 4 fold 'n staple poem books. I've played in a few bands too but I did something that a lot more people than I ever thought possible are going to be exposed to and at this point it's still kind of surreal. And the real reason I did the interview was because I wanted to find a way for Mike to inspire people the way that dude has inspired me. His music is fucking killer but he's got the ethos to match. Talking to him I realized that I could really do anything I put my mind to. I mean he's the one that told me that so the proof is kind of in the pudding in this case. So that's the Watt thing.
It's late and... I don't know man, life is a trip sometimes. I have a job that I like, my work is published on a pretty popular website, I made an awesome new friends from a killer band who gives great suggestions on things to read/listen to (which is hard to find because we all have those friends who suggest things that you know off the bat would to end up in a box in your attic or on the free section of craigslist). This has been one of the most eventful and inspiring few months of my life and I still can shake these bad vibes sometimes. I always think of this shit in spring too! It never fails. So what's got me down right now? Maybe it's because my sleep will soon be irregular, staggered and hard to come by. Maybe it's because I feel like no matter how good I do at something, being a loser again is right around the corner. Maybe it's because I can't seem to be as productive as I'd like? This is why I need discipline and routine... And the summer is always the true test of how I'm holding up... The heat and sleepless nights don't let me slide. You either sink or swim, ya know? Fuck it man... Realize you did something good and move on to the next thing quickly...
After work and grabbing something I came home and passed out for about an hour. I don't know why on earth I was so tired or when exactly it happened. I remember at a point, sitting on my couch, but then I woke up an hour later on my floor with a shirt crumpled up under my head for a pillow. I was sweating and the clothes that I had on were soaked. I got up and headed straight out the door. I like taking walks but I just wanted to get out of the house this time. I like to smell the smells and hear the sounds of my little town. I like to see lights on and pretend that the homes are filled with happy families and playful dogs and well behaved children. A family or a life like that is nothing that I'd ever want but I hope that people who want that get it. I believe the statistics would prove otherwise though and I know it's not usually the case though as I have to listen to people fighting in the apartment building next door all summer long. I have to see little children crying on their porches while their parent's scream at them or eachother from inside the houses. My roommate and I hear explosions followed by people screaming "MY BABY! MY BABY!" ...Seriously.
I guess I just get overwhelmed. I think that there is just so much great shit out there in the world and I want to be apart of it so much. So much great stuff that it kind of puts me into a state of anxiety because I have trouble focusing and finding a direction to go in. Sometimes I can just read a book or sit at the computer and write. Sometimes I play guitar. Sometimes I can put Miles Davis' 'Kind of Blue' on and shut my eyes and pretend that I'm in another time and place. I really feel like I lack discipline sometimes and I know that everyone says "Don't be so hard on yourself" but what's the alternative. Become an overweight, under-stimulated couch potato? Fuck that shit.
This new year has been heavy for me. We finally finished the new tattoo shop and that's a huge relief... The big turning point in my life this year was this Mike Watt interview that I keep plugging and talking about. That dude has been my hero for a long time and I got to interview him on the phone. I had no idea what I was going to do with the interview once I got it but I eventually submitted it to SuicideGirls and they fucking published it. I mean... Me?!?! Published?!?! Talking to Watt I realized a lot of things, mainly because he was telling them to me, about how you just really have to stay inspired. You have to stay active and creative. You just have to or else you go stale! I feel like I'm always fighting the mediocrity and complacency inside of me and it is seriously an uphill battle. Those voices inside that say, "That's good enough" or "Fuck it, why even try," You know the ones I'm talking about. The shit that keeps you from kicking the ass that's out there to be kicked by every one of us. All of us have infinite potential and it tough to realize that sometimes. I do poetry readings when I can. I self published 3 or 4 fold 'n staple poem books. I've played in a few bands too but I did something that a lot more people than I ever thought possible are going to be exposed to and at this point it's still kind of surreal. And the real reason I did the interview was because I wanted to find a way for Mike to inspire people the way that dude has inspired me. His music is fucking killer but he's got the ethos to match. Talking to him I realized that I could really do anything I put my mind to. I mean he's the one that told me that so the proof is kind of in the pudding in this case. So that's the Watt thing.
It's late and... I don't know man, life is a trip sometimes. I have a job that I like, my work is published on a pretty popular website, I made an awesome new friends from a killer band who gives great suggestions on things to read/listen to (which is hard to find because we all have those friends who suggest things that you know off the bat would to end up in a box in your attic or on the free section of craigslist). This has been one of the most eventful and inspiring few months of my life and I still can shake these bad vibes sometimes. I always think of this shit in spring too! It never fails. So what's got me down right now? Maybe it's because my sleep will soon be irregular, staggered and hard to come by. Maybe it's because I feel like no matter how good I do at something, being a loser again is right around the corner. Maybe it's because I can't seem to be as productive as I'd like? This is why I need discipline and routine... And the summer is always the true test of how I'm holding up... The heat and sleepless nights don't let me slide. You either sink or swim, ya know? Fuck it man... Realize you did something good and move on to the next thing quickly...