And here I am again!
This time I would like to share with you some taughts about FEAR... (yes it is Halloween,let's take this chance!)
Lately I've been thinking a lot about it. I've noticed how much fear I have inside,about lots of things,and how many problems that causes to me...
To be honest I can see my life is almost perfect,I'm one of the luckyest persons in the world,and there is nothing commonly seen as scary I have to deal with.
But this makes me think.
Is fear(or any kind of emotion), something related to what is outside, or it only depends on how YOU perceive what it is outside?
I belive in the second one. And that perception depends complitely on what is inside,meaning if you are weak/fragile/over-emotional inside, whatever is outside,even the most wonderful enviable reality can look,one day so incredibly good that you can't belive it,and the day after so dark that you feel like dieing!
Well this is me,and I'm studing myself here
I'm probably the most emotional person I know...I think I haven't yet lived one day without crying at least once,being it for sadness or for joy...
So of course I'm scared,because you can breake me so easily! ^^
Lately I've made my boyfriend mad,and I'm so sorry about that!
(can you imagine how would be, living with somebody like me?!)
I behaved very bad with him,and he didn't deserve it. All because of my stupid fear of not being good enough!
I think this is my biggest problem ever.
I'm always scared people will stop to love me as soon as they realize I'm not good enough...meaning,I'm not clever enough,pretty enough, funny enough, interesting enough etc... depending on the situation.
I'm aware of how much stupid is this,but what can I do? I feel scared for real,and this influence everything I do...
Because of this for example,no matter how much my boyfriend prooves me he loves me, the only one time he will give me a little less attention,I will make a tragedy out of nothing
I need people to give me continuous positive feedback, just because I don't belive enought in myself I don't expect people to keep beliving in me either, I more easily belive they can get bored and abandon me from one day to another.
The funny thing is that I understand all this with my head, but is not my head what i use as a filter to interpret reality,so when it comes to the moment i should remember what I just said and keep cool,my heart starts telling me bullshit about what's happening,and I have to cry again
Another sad aspect of this is that I really love art,and I would love to spend all the time possible experimenting with it, but I'm not confident enough to think people can like what I do enough to buy it.
That's why I've never really gave it a chance,and I always end up doing shit jobs just to pay the rent,that steal from mre all the time to do something else related to art.
Today I read something in the blog of Holley that was really inspiring for me, I appreciate so much people brave enough to belive in their dream and put everything into them!
Maaan I really have to develope some balls here!!! They would be so useful to me O.o
Ok this post has ben a bit sad I know, but don't worry I'm not giving up, I've been fighting my scary phantoms all my life (eveybody has got some ^^) and belive me I'm getting better,so with time,I know there's hope for some little balls to come!
At least I'm sharing this! It is a start point
And if you see I don't post enough here please kick my ass,because is not that I lack of time to blog,but as usual I'm warried what I have to say may not be interesting enough to be written! -_-'
Now! Psycologist,thank you for lending an ear,this is it for today
I will leave you with a couple of pictures of me last Halloween, waiting for the new one to come!
Happy Haloween to everybody!!
This time I would like to share with you some taughts about FEAR... (yes it is Halloween,let's take this chance!)
Lately I've been thinking a lot about it. I've noticed how much fear I have inside,about lots of things,and how many problems that causes to me...
To be honest I can see my life is almost perfect,I'm one of the luckyest persons in the world,and there is nothing commonly seen as scary I have to deal with.
But this makes me think.
Is fear(or any kind of emotion), something related to what is outside, or it only depends on how YOU perceive what it is outside?
I belive in the second one. And that perception depends complitely on what is inside,meaning if you are weak/fragile/over-emotional inside, whatever is outside,even the most wonderful enviable reality can look,one day so incredibly good that you can't belive it,and the day after so dark that you feel like dieing!
Well this is me,and I'm studing myself here
I'm probably the most emotional person I know...I think I haven't yet lived one day without crying at least once,being it for sadness or for joy...
So of course I'm scared,because you can breake me so easily! ^^
Lately I've made my boyfriend mad,and I'm so sorry about that!
(can you imagine how would be, living with somebody like me?!)
I behaved very bad with him,and he didn't deserve it. All because of my stupid fear of not being good enough!
I think this is my biggest problem ever.
I'm always scared people will stop to love me as soon as they realize I'm not good enough...meaning,I'm not clever enough,pretty enough, funny enough, interesting enough etc... depending on the situation.
I'm aware of how much stupid is this,but what can I do? I feel scared for real,and this influence everything I do...
Because of this for example,no matter how much my boyfriend prooves me he loves me, the only one time he will give me a little less attention,I will make a tragedy out of nothing
I need people to give me continuous positive feedback, just because I don't belive enought in myself I don't expect people to keep beliving in me either, I more easily belive they can get bored and abandon me from one day to another.
The funny thing is that I understand all this with my head, but is not my head what i use as a filter to interpret reality,so when it comes to the moment i should remember what I just said and keep cool,my heart starts telling me bullshit about what's happening,and I have to cry again
Another sad aspect of this is that I really love art,and I would love to spend all the time possible experimenting with it, but I'm not confident enough to think people can like what I do enough to buy it.
That's why I've never really gave it a chance,and I always end up doing shit jobs just to pay the rent,that steal from mre all the time to do something else related to art.
Today I read something in the blog of Holley that was really inspiring for me, I appreciate so much people brave enough to belive in their dream and put everything into them!
Maaan I really have to develope some balls here!!! They would be so useful to me O.o
Ok this post has ben a bit sad I know, but don't worry I'm not giving up, I've been fighting my scary phantoms all my life (eveybody has got some ^^) and belive me I'm getting better,so with time,I know there's hope for some little balls to come!
At least I'm sharing this! It is a start point
And if you see I don't post enough here please kick my ass,because is not that I lack of time to blog,but as usual I'm warried what I have to say may not be interesting enough to be written! -_-'
Now! Psycologist,thank you for lending an ear,this is it for today
I will leave you with a couple of pictures of me last Halloween, waiting for the new one to come!
Happy Haloween to everybody!!
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Many thanks for the appreciation. If you don't think you can make it to the London thingy, I am more than happy to shoot for you outside of that. (you have email)
Oh, and Happy Halloween back!