I made my dad cry tonight. It's not often something like that happens. Let's just say tonight was the worst night of my life. Now, in detail, everything was fine until after work.Work went about as okay as one could expect when one labors away on the shipping dock of a distribution center for a national retail chain. Today was also payday, so everything was on the up and up. I had just paid for a new car recently, and a new insurance policy to boot, along with a fine I'll be paying 'til next year, due to a DUI back in April, but that's besides the point. Like I said, everything was fine until after work.
Some of the guys on the dock and I hang out for a little bit after our shift, depending on my uncle, who is one of the supervisors in another section of the building (not mine). See, I carpool from home with him since it's a bit of a drive and gas prices are gas prices. Regardless, I had some time to waste while waiting for uncle Tom to do his paperwork and whatever else. One of the shipping guys needed a ride home, so I happily obliged since he only lived a few miles down the road - plenty of time to make it there and back again to pick my uncle up. I enjoy doing good deeds for people, but tonight should have thrown up a red flag in my face stating that my friend could just walk the hell home instead...
We turned out of the lot around 12:45 and made our way to his house, turning then onto a back road that I've familiarized myself with well over the coarse of the seven months I've been employed (speaking of which, today marks my seventh month there). Anyway, this road has some twists and turns, but nothing that I can't handle in my new '05 Chevy Cobalt. I had just purchased the car three weeks earlier and established my insurance policy the same day, mailing in the paperwork for all the etceteras today. On top of that, I'm freshly relicensed, so like I had said earlier, on the up and up...
12:50: Crash. Coming around one of the turns (at a proper speed, mind you), I hit a patch of wet road and wet leaves. Even with a new car, new tires can only help you so much. My back end fishtailed and we spun a clockwise 360 and then some down the road before the car ended up perpendicular to the road and somehow rolled back into a tree overlooking a good 25-30 foot drop. Honestly, if it wasn't for the tree, Brent and I probably would not be alive right now. The damned tree stopped us with so much force that the back windshield shattered, the corner of the car crumpled and a chunk of the trunk of the tree found itself embedded in my exhaust pipe.
Brent and I sat for a moment until the initial shock subsided. Then came the obscenities, then the millions of thoughts pouring through my head, like why the hell did it have to happen to me and why now? Of all the times (I was supposed to go visit a lot of my college friends near the campus itself, one girl in particular who I miss more than anything right now), why now? My weekend is absolutely shot, but that's the least of my worries. I'm honestly ready to just say fuck it and go rob a bank or something, because there's no amount of money or anything for that matter to make this all up to my dad. I feel the worst for him. I mean, I've been a shit of a son to him these past five years or so, and this is just like the icing on the multi-layered cake of mishaps I've put myself through, and him as well. Mom's never had any sage advice when approaching dad with issues like arrests, accidents, failed classes, and the list goes on. The poor guy can only handle so much before he loses his mind. I really think that after tonight, there's that line that I've crossed, that point of no return, and I don't think I'll ever be in his good graces again...and we had just really started bonding as step-father and son...
Wish in one hand, shit in the other, but I honestly wish that tonight never happened. I'm too stressed to care anymore about tomorrow, and I probably won't sleep, but I just don't care anymore. I'm ready for death, or - if God ever peruses my blog on a whim and decides on mercy - a miracle. Words can never justifiably express how sorry I am, dad, but one day, someday, somehow, I'll make it up to you. I just hope you'll still call me son when the time arrives...
I'd keep typing, but I'm just numb. I mean, I whacked my forehead on the steering wheel, but no bleeding anywhere, just a bump. However, emotionally, physically, and mentally, I'm drained to the point of collapse. I give up on today. Fuck.
Some of the guys on the dock and I hang out for a little bit after our shift, depending on my uncle, who is one of the supervisors in another section of the building (not mine). See, I carpool from home with him since it's a bit of a drive and gas prices are gas prices. Regardless, I had some time to waste while waiting for uncle Tom to do his paperwork and whatever else. One of the shipping guys needed a ride home, so I happily obliged since he only lived a few miles down the road - plenty of time to make it there and back again to pick my uncle up. I enjoy doing good deeds for people, but tonight should have thrown up a red flag in my face stating that my friend could just walk the hell home instead...
We turned out of the lot around 12:45 and made our way to his house, turning then onto a back road that I've familiarized myself with well over the coarse of the seven months I've been employed (speaking of which, today marks my seventh month there). Anyway, this road has some twists and turns, but nothing that I can't handle in my new '05 Chevy Cobalt. I had just purchased the car three weeks earlier and established my insurance policy the same day, mailing in the paperwork for all the etceteras today. On top of that, I'm freshly relicensed, so like I had said earlier, on the up and up...
12:50: Crash. Coming around one of the turns (at a proper speed, mind you), I hit a patch of wet road and wet leaves. Even with a new car, new tires can only help you so much. My back end fishtailed and we spun a clockwise 360 and then some down the road before the car ended up perpendicular to the road and somehow rolled back into a tree overlooking a good 25-30 foot drop. Honestly, if it wasn't for the tree, Brent and I probably would not be alive right now. The damned tree stopped us with so much force that the back windshield shattered, the corner of the car crumpled and a chunk of the trunk of the tree found itself embedded in my exhaust pipe.
Brent and I sat for a moment until the initial shock subsided. Then came the obscenities, then the millions of thoughts pouring through my head, like why the hell did it have to happen to me and why now? Of all the times (I was supposed to go visit a lot of my college friends near the campus itself, one girl in particular who I miss more than anything right now), why now? My weekend is absolutely shot, but that's the least of my worries. I'm honestly ready to just say fuck it and go rob a bank or something, because there's no amount of money or anything for that matter to make this all up to my dad. I feel the worst for him. I mean, I've been a shit of a son to him these past five years or so, and this is just like the icing on the multi-layered cake of mishaps I've put myself through, and him as well. Mom's never had any sage advice when approaching dad with issues like arrests, accidents, failed classes, and the list goes on. The poor guy can only handle so much before he loses his mind. I really think that after tonight, there's that line that I've crossed, that point of no return, and I don't think I'll ever be in his good graces again...and we had just really started bonding as step-father and son...
Wish in one hand, shit in the other, but I honestly wish that tonight never happened. I'm too stressed to care anymore about tomorrow, and I probably won't sleep, but I just don't care anymore. I'm ready for death, or - if God ever peruses my blog on a whim and decides on mercy - a miracle. Words can never justifiably express how sorry I am, dad, but one day, someday, somehow, I'll make it up to you. I just hope you'll still call me son when the time arrives...
I'd keep typing, but I'm just numb. I mean, I whacked my forehead on the steering wheel, but no bleeding anywhere, just a bump. However, emotionally, physically, and mentally, I'm drained to the point of collapse. I give up on today. Fuck.
chiron:
Yeah, so how's about that for an official first post? This will undoubtedly skewer some people's 1st impression of me, but fuck it, I'll get on with my life as long as you can get on with yours...enjoy my bleeding heart moment of the year, folks, it's only gonna be stupid, silly shit from here on out...methinks. Mehopes, perhaps. 