So the lovely Ms @vorpal gave us the homework to #bringitbacktothesite and that's just what I'm doing. I will be taking time to write more personal blogs on here! Today, I'm going to be sharing what started my journey to becoming a #suicidegirl!
When I was younger I loved the alternative lifestyle and fashion. My high school was dominated by rednecks and there weren't many people that admired the beauty of body modification. Then there was me. I wore a lot more black than I do and winged my eyeliner to the high heavens. I was also known for wearing a fox tail. I was given the nickname "the girl with the fox tail" and still to this day have people ask me about it at the shop...which is kind of funny because I graduated almost 10 years ago. I still talked to pretty much everyone, no matter their style or "clique", but I only had a few "real" friends..and they were actually preps..so I def kind of stood out. This never stopped me from being me! Either people accepted me as I was or I just moved on.
After I graduated, I moved out and started a life on my own. One night at a club a man approached me and asked if I modeled (smooth right?!). I told him no...I just like dancing to bright lights and crazy bass (which is still true lmao) Anywho, we exchanged emails (because I don't give out my number to strangers) and we ended up meeting and I had my first official photoshoot. Not the most professional way and I def would suggest for others to be not as careless as I was, but I loved it and I started booking more shoots.
A little after this started, I started dating a boy. I'm going to leave a lot of this story blank because I don't think it's right to share his life on here without his permission..and we no longer have open dialogue. Long story short, we dated for almost 5 years and I hated myself. I was told that if I had too many piercings that I wouldn't be sexy and talked down to because I wanted certain tattoos on certain parts of body and that stretching my ears was gross. That didn't stop me from doing so, but I still felt unattractive and bad about myself. I became obsessed with my weight and life became a downward spiral. It took me way to damn long to realize the relationship was toxic and it ended...not so awesomely, but it did. I decided to be a better me..the best me..a happy me!
I did what I wanted and started cutting all kinds of people out of my life. Anyone that brought negativity or told me that I couldn't do things or I wasn't good enough. Anyone that held me back from achieving my full potential of being happy. A weight had been lifted and I noticed it was easier to love me because I was surrounded by people that loved me for exactly whom I was and not just an idea of a person they thought I should be. It was wonderful.
Shortly after, I started hanging out with my current boyfriend. It was cool being with someone that I could easily talk to and supported me. Even if we didn't agree on something, we enjoyed having civil debates (and still do...we will be out on a date and start talking about politics then go home and watch cartoons lmao). It was just cool. He ended up asking me out and I said no. I didn't want to just jump into another relationship so quickly. He was obviously hurt, but we still hung out. He didn't complain about being friendzoned and didn't try pushing it. I eventually ended up asking him out months later.
I started getting motivated to start modeling again. It was something that I enjoyed and had a passion for. At first he wasn't on board all the way. It's not that he didn't support me, he just didn't understand why I wanted to take pictures in my underwear. I told him that it didn't matter and that it was my body. We had many long discussions about how the woman's body is over sexualized by society and that the only person that has the right to sexualize their body is that person..and I decided I eventually wanted to follow my dream and become a part of the SG community.
I was scared. I had modeled before, but never nude modeled. I honestly hadn't even really sent full nudes to my significant others or playmates. So this was a big jump, but I knew that I wanted to be a change in society. I wanted to be an active voice against slut shaming and lift those around me about being body positive. I was put down in the modeling community because I'm 5'3, I'm not super skinny, I have thick thighs, and small breasts. Not many of these features are greatly sought after for magazines. I wanted to show women (and even men) that you can be and feel beautiful even if you don't fit society's standards. I wanted to show that society that I'm an amazing person, inside and out. That something as materialistic as clothes don't define. That I am a person and deserve respect as one.
My journey was met with a lot of hate. A lot. I still get an occasional rude message about people's opinions. I don't even get upset anymore because this is why I started my journey. I meet there hate with understanding and provide information that will hopefully open their eyes to their hateful ways. Some people choose to listen. Some choose to stay ignorant. I have also had many people reach out and share of what an inspiration I have been to them...it's seriously a beautiful feeling because I know I use to be in the position and I needed someone to be there for me. So it's a great honor that I get to be there and help others in their journey to find happiness not only in the world, but with themselves.
Anywho, this is why I am here. :) Thank you for taking your time to read my story. <3