I know I just updated, but I felt the need to vent a bit.
Last night shit hit the fan again with my roomates exboyfriend. He was supposed to take the kids for the weekend. He did...for a few hours at a time. Picked them up on Friday night, and droped them back off on Saturday. He HAD to go to his work christmas party. He said he'd be back around 9 9:30pm. He finally returns our calls at about 10:30. Drunk and saying he cant leave yet, he'll be there around midnight....wtf. Kids are tired, he's been drinking, they kids are NOT going in the car with him. Shes screaming at the top of her lungs on the phone...crying...its a mess. I feel bad for her. I told her id watch the kids for the night, that it wasnt a problem for me and that she should go out. But I guess she wanted to go out with me. I havent been home a lot lately, with working in Torrance and all. She was just bumbed and upset about the whole situation.
Christmas might be looking up a bit though. Our roommate bought us a x-mas tree. Really fucking sweet of him. Came in last night and said "Merry Christmas" and ploped down a tree. Kids decorated it. Nathan is very happy now. Candace cashed out her vacation time to buy some presents. Im meeting her in an hour or so at Walmart. Oh yeah. Id had boughten them all things a few months ago when money was okay. Still upset about her parents though. Messed up everything just booking out like that on her. Thats all we both really wanted was a holiday with family.
We've been with eachother through some tough shit. We can handle this. Im glad she's here for me now and that I can be here for her too.
I just cleaned the house. A lot. Scrubed the kitchen and sink, dishes, stove, fridge, floor, living room, dining room. Kids are messy. So are 3 people in a house. And dogs too. Its freezing but I dont want to spend more money on the heat. Its warms downstairs, but upstairs stays pretty chilly. Im, just bundled up, ill survive. Once the kids get here, we'll put in on.
I hate to think that ive used up all my fun times and enjoyment with friends at a younger age. When I was about 13, we did the things we should have in Highschool or now. There was always someone at my house, or I was over there. There was always someone to call to somewhere to go. There was never a dull moment or anything to do. I keep in contact with 2 of the people from back then. Which is why we are as close as we are now. We've grown up together and expiereinced life with eachother. But is that all there is? Is it gone now? It seems to be. Everything now seems to have happened already. Just now with different people around. Nothing new. I miss the adventures, wondering where we are going to sleep. I know it might not sound like a fun thing to deal with, and I know, at the time it wasnt. But I wouldnt change a thing that I have done thus far. I have learned so much in my few years and met some pretty cool as well as fucked up people. Some I would run and jump on and hug till forever...other...I would beat their heads on the ground till its just bloody pulp. But no, I wouldnt change a thing. Why would you want to?
Ive been thinking back to Grandma's house at Christmas. Filled with family and food and warmth. I miss the laughter heard through-out and my dads jokes. I cant stand to watch the films of it anymore. Once, it made me happy to see it all. Now, the memorys of him are too much to handle. Ive been pushing them all aside and trying my best not to deal. I skiped this Nov. 11th. on visiting the park. 13 years now. Unbeliveable. I just to go there every year to say hey. Just sit for a while and think about things. Never did any good though. I still cant go into the cafe there. I once stood there, across at the edge of the park, staring at the cafe doors...wanting to bad to go inside. I know its just a buliding. Nothing there anymore. But something is holding me back. Everyones gone now, and nothing is that calming anymore. Its weird to realise how much that effected my life. Even at such a young age, I would have thought it would have been easier for me to move on and grow away from it all. But its not. I cant explain how much it has changed my outlook on life and people in general. Even after all these years have passed, more then enough time for me to understand that I couldnt have done anything to change it. But sadly enough, its still there. And I think it always will be. Somethings you cant move passed, no matter how much you try and say otherwise. I talk freely and it seems not a big deal. I actually enjoy talking about it. Its part of me, part of my life. It molded me into the person I am today. Why shouldnt I be able to or want to? I sat at a bar while I was visiting my family in Washington, talking to my cousin. He had all these storys of when I was younger that I didnt remember. He kept asking me if I was okay...or if he should stop. I loved hearing about it. I guess no one talks about him or that time anymore. Which is sad to me. Why not? Was he not a big part of all of us? Remembering things should not make us sad, they were fun times. And its all that we have left.
-Chi
Last night shit hit the fan again with my roomates exboyfriend. He was supposed to take the kids for the weekend. He did...for a few hours at a time. Picked them up on Friday night, and droped them back off on Saturday. He HAD to go to his work christmas party. He said he'd be back around 9 9:30pm. He finally returns our calls at about 10:30. Drunk and saying he cant leave yet, he'll be there around midnight....wtf. Kids are tired, he's been drinking, they kids are NOT going in the car with him. Shes screaming at the top of her lungs on the phone...crying...its a mess. I feel bad for her. I told her id watch the kids for the night, that it wasnt a problem for me and that she should go out. But I guess she wanted to go out with me. I havent been home a lot lately, with working in Torrance and all. She was just bumbed and upset about the whole situation.
Christmas might be looking up a bit though. Our roommate bought us a x-mas tree. Really fucking sweet of him. Came in last night and said "Merry Christmas" and ploped down a tree. Kids decorated it. Nathan is very happy now. Candace cashed out her vacation time to buy some presents. Im meeting her in an hour or so at Walmart. Oh yeah. Id had boughten them all things a few months ago when money was okay. Still upset about her parents though. Messed up everything just booking out like that on her. Thats all we both really wanted was a holiday with family.
We've been with eachother through some tough shit. We can handle this. Im glad she's here for me now and that I can be here for her too.
I just cleaned the house. A lot. Scrubed the kitchen and sink, dishes, stove, fridge, floor, living room, dining room. Kids are messy. So are 3 people in a house. And dogs too. Its freezing but I dont want to spend more money on the heat. Its warms downstairs, but upstairs stays pretty chilly. Im, just bundled up, ill survive. Once the kids get here, we'll put in on.
I hate to think that ive used up all my fun times and enjoyment with friends at a younger age. When I was about 13, we did the things we should have in Highschool or now. There was always someone at my house, or I was over there. There was always someone to call to somewhere to go. There was never a dull moment or anything to do. I keep in contact with 2 of the people from back then. Which is why we are as close as we are now. We've grown up together and expiereinced life with eachother. But is that all there is? Is it gone now? It seems to be. Everything now seems to have happened already. Just now with different people around. Nothing new. I miss the adventures, wondering where we are going to sleep. I know it might not sound like a fun thing to deal with, and I know, at the time it wasnt. But I wouldnt change a thing that I have done thus far. I have learned so much in my few years and met some pretty cool as well as fucked up people. Some I would run and jump on and hug till forever...other...I would beat their heads on the ground till its just bloody pulp. But no, I wouldnt change a thing. Why would you want to?
Ive been thinking back to Grandma's house at Christmas. Filled with family and food and warmth. I miss the laughter heard through-out and my dads jokes. I cant stand to watch the films of it anymore. Once, it made me happy to see it all. Now, the memorys of him are too much to handle. Ive been pushing them all aside and trying my best not to deal. I skiped this Nov. 11th. on visiting the park. 13 years now. Unbeliveable. I just to go there every year to say hey. Just sit for a while and think about things. Never did any good though. I still cant go into the cafe there. I once stood there, across at the edge of the park, staring at the cafe doors...wanting to bad to go inside. I know its just a buliding. Nothing there anymore. But something is holding me back. Everyones gone now, and nothing is that calming anymore. Its weird to realise how much that effected my life. Even at such a young age, I would have thought it would have been easier for me to move on and grow away from it all. But its not. I cant explain how much it has changed my outlook on life and people in general. Even after all these years have passed, more then enough time for me to understand that I couldnt have done anything to change it. But sadly enough, its still there. And I think it always will be. Somethings you cant move passed, no matter how much you try and say otherwise. I talk freely and it seems not a big deal. I actually enjoy talking about it. Its part of me, part of my life. It molded me into the person I am today. Why shouldnt I be able to or want to? I sat at a bar while I was visiting my family in Washington, talking to my cousin. He had all these storys of when I was younger that I didnt remember. He kept asking me if I was okay...or if he should stop. I loved hearing about it. I guess no one talks about him or that time anymore. Which is sad to me. Why not? Was he not a big part of all of us? Remembering things should not make us sad, they were fun times. And its all that we have left.
-Chi
so far from my one perspective here, you've turned out so far into a cool, fantastic caring and compasionate person. i don't think you can get much better than that!
and speaking about time i had something aweful happen when i was 6 years old. i had issues come up in my life at the age of 40 that were a dirrect result of that issue. in fact i still deal with it even now and that was 36 years ago. somethings really do have a powerful affect on our lives. i imagine that this particular inccident will always haunt me.
(and if you have to know i would rather write you then to put it here)
just remember to be good to yourself and enjoy as much of life as you can even if it is a weird rollercoaster sometimes!