Here the Hell are all The Giant ROBOTS?
So I was going through my morning narcissistic routine, working out at
the gym, getting ready for work and as I made passing eye contact with
all the other ambitious people who wake up early to exercise, it occurred
to me that we don't have any giant robots.
As a side note, at 6:30am any gym is totally devoid of eye candy or any real people watching distractions. This leaves you with the option to watch infomercials or reruns of Gilligans Island or plug into the gym music video station or your Ipod.
Gym video stations are an endless repetition of sexy videos by sexy
musicians without talent, and angry musicians with loud songs. This is
flavored with a sprinkle of sexy, angry musicians without talent,
singing songs that lose the anger in sexy or the sex in the angry. This
mix is crossed with a bad touch of dance house techno to "keep that
heart rate up" by attractive trios of girls from some eastern block
country singing remixes of 80's songs... but that's it. So, needless to
say I was pleasantly surprised when The Beastie Boy's video for
"Intergalactic Planetary" came on.
Now, as a child of the 90's I love the Beasties and think this is a
great song. It is also a great video. It features the Beastie Boys in
safety gear (in a seeming tribute to Devo) and as mad scientists in
command of a giant robot defending a paper city from a megalithic sea
monster bent on destruction. The video is intentionally campy, building
an enjoyable romp around "low budget" and features a better plot line
then most indy films I've seen recently.
My review of the video aside, I suddenly became very depressed that
there has yet to be a single giant robot. Now we've heard these things
from aging 30 somethings for years. "When I was little I thought we'd
live in bubbles" or "have flying cars" or "eat only liquid food" and
everyone concludes with the brilliant philosophical observation that the
more things change the more they stay the same.
Truth is, of all humanity's failed technological dreams and secret hopes
for a better, faster, stronger, less-wasteful tomorrow... giant robots
may be the coolest.
Just once I'd like to see some whiny liberal complaining about the US
Government blowing 50 billion dollars to create a Laser enhanced,
nuclear powered giant robot to just scare the shit out of anybody that
fucks with us. "It will be a great day when schools have to hold bake
sales for books and Iran is terrified of our giant robot" Just imagine
that bumper sticker.
The reverse of that, is that I'd love to turn on talk radio and hear
some fat, middle- aged, white guy condemning the city of San Francisco's
city council for creating a rainbow colored, alternative-fuel powered
ambiguously artsy, gay, friendly, pro-legalization, culinary expert,
giant robot. Screw the golden gate bridge, I'd suck down Rice-A-Roni for
a chance to see that.
So in conclusion, I will move to any city that throws out the entire "public works"
budget in favor of building a giant robot. I will consider any country
civilized that has at least one giant robot.I will buy marketing items
for any "giant robot" that gets built, be it hat sweaters or really bad
socks. I will vote for any political party that instead of buying the
election, buys a giant robot.
That's the change I'm looking for.
So I was going through my morning narcissistic routine, working out at
the gym, getting ready for work and as I made passing eye contact with
all the other ambitious people who wake up early to exercise, it occurred
to me that we don't have any giant robots.
As a side note, at 6:30am any gym is totally devoid of eye candy or any real people watching distractions. This leaves you with the option to watch infomercials or reruns of Gilligans Island or plug into the gym music video station or your Ipod.
Gym video stations are an endless repetition of sexy videos by sexy
musicians without talent, and angry musicians with loud songs. This is
flavored with a sprinkle of sexy, angry musicians without talent,
singing songs that lose the anger in sexy or the sex in the angry. This
mix is crossed with a bad touch of dance house techno to "keep that
heart rate up" by attractive trios of girls from some eastern block
country singing remixes of 80's songs... but that's it. So, needless to
say I was pleasantly surprised when The Beastie Boy's video for
"Intergalactic Planetary" came on.
Now, as a child of the 90's I love the Beasties and think this is a
great song. It is also a great video. It features the Beastie Boys in
safety gear (in a seeming tribute to Devo) and as mad scientists in
command of a giant robot defending a paper city from a megalithic sea
monster bent on destruction. The video is intentionally campy, building
an enjoyable romp around "low budget" and features a better plot line
then most indy films I've seen recently.
My review of the video aside, I suddenly became very depressed that
there has yet to be a single giant robot. Now we've heard these things
from aging 30 somethings for years. "When I was little I thought we'd
live in bubbles" or "have flying cars" or "eat only liquid food" and
everyone concludes with the brilliant philosophical observation that the
more things change the more they stay the same.
Truth is, of all humanity's failed technological dreams and secret hopes
for a better, faster, stronger, less-wasteful tomorrow... giant robots
may be the coolest.
Just once I'd like to see some whiny liberal complaining about the US
Government blowing 50 billion dollars to create a Laser enhanced,
nuclear powered giant robot to just scare the shit out of anybody that
fucks with us. "It will be a great day when schools have to hold bake
sales for books and Iran is terrified of our giant robot" Just imagine
that bumper sticker.
The reverse of that, is that I'd love to turn on talk radio and hear
some fat, middle- aged, white guy condemning the city of San Francisco's
city council for creating a rainbow colored, alternative-fuel powered
ambiguously artsy, gay, friendly, pro-legalization, culinary expert,
giant robot. Screw the golden gate bridge, I'd suck down Rice-A-Roni for
a chance to see that.
So in conclusion, I will move to any city that throws out the entire "public works"
budget in favor of building a giant robot. I will consider any country
civilized that has at least one giant robot.I will buy marketing items
for any "giant robot" that gets built, be it hat sweaters or really bad
socks. I will vote for any political party that instead of buying the
election, buys a giant robot.
That's the change I'm looking for.