cherry

It's a beautiful day today. The kind where the sun is shining real strong but the air is icy and cool. I went out to get a coffee earlier. The barista (who recognises me*) asked me if I was having turkey for dinner and I remembered it's Canadian Thanksgiving today. We're not really the sort of people to celebrate that, so we're not, but people are happy and cheerful and warm and friendly around here at this time. I mean, lots of people are like that all the time in Vancouver, but this weekend especially so.

Last night for example; there was a guy standing in the alley behind where I live. He was completely obscured by the shadows next to a dumpster and smoking a cigarette. He brought a phone to his ear and waited. I walked by and he saw me and said, quite loudly and cheerfully "Happy Thanksgiving!"

I almost jumped out of my skin. It was so highly unexpected and rather strange. I just looked at him and smiled. Matthew didn't seem nearly as shocked and said "You too!" You see, that sort of thing rarely happens in England and only happens in Scotland and Wales when people are completely and utterly pissed out of their minds. Actually, this is a bit of a lie, where I come from in Birmingham people do this sort of thing all the time but it has been many years since I spent any length of time in that part of the world. I guess that's why it's nostalgic, in a way.

* A little note - most of the baristas in the coffee shop I frequent now recognise me and it's a strange comfort in a city where I know so few people. Small talk has always been one of my biggest fears but I am finding myself liking it with these people.

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I was updating to tell you all how overwhelming the response to my accident was. I thought I had nothing much else to say, but as you've probably realised sooner than I have I always manage to find something to waffle on about. It's a wonder I don't update more often.

There I go again. Point is, Thank You. My recovery has been a lot slower and (honestly) a lot harder than I expected. I don't know why. I think I wasn't aware of how hard I banged myself and how much trauma I'd actually caused to my poor brain. The week directly after my accident was really difficult. I couldn't look at written words or pictures or my computer for more than five minutes without the room spinning and feeling insanely tired.

It seems so far away now, but that was only last week. I spent my time, sleeping or lying down with my eyes closed. I wanted so desperately to do some of the things I haven't had time for recently but I had so much trouble concentrating. Everything was difficult from reading right through to trying to think about something other than when I was going to be better.

So I listened to Douglas Adams read one of his Dirk Gently novels (seeing as I couldn't even read one of the books I had waiting). It was so soothing to hear his voice and it was beautiful to listen to something funny and a little enlightening.

The one of note is The Long Dark Tea Time of The Soul. It's about Thor and Odin and all the other gods and godesses of Norse Mythology struggling to survive in the modern world. It's science fiction melded detective novel at it's best. I would suggest reading it but if you can get the audio book even better. Douglas Adams' voice and acting just makes it so special. It was my one relief from the pain and confusion of that week.

My muscles and physical scrapes were all very sore, but the worst realisation for me was just how delicate my brain is and how even though I was wearing my helmet I banged it up enough to barely be able to think for a week. Trying to get some work slowly done has been a trial. It's almost like having to relearn things all over again. Most notably, how to concentrate and think about more things at a time.

Right now I am much better. My knuckles are scarred and still a bit gross looking for the time being. My elbow too. My right shoulder and the right side of my neck is still a bit sore, but nothing I can't handle anyway. My lip is slowly healing (I accidentally undid one of the stitches and it's spread a little, but I've actually come to love the scar and the slight change in shape to my upper lip). I can finally read and spend time on the computer and concentrating isn't such a bad thing. I still, however wake up with a splitting headache every morning. I am so tired of that.

So, once again, thank you. All the support and comments on my well being meant SO much to me. Really. I am sorry I couldn't get back to all of you; especially those of you who are closest to me, but I did spend what little time I could on the computer reading and keeping all those comments close to my heart. If I am honest I'll say it is one of the most special things that has happened to me on SuicideGirls. I never thought that so many people on the nudie site I work for would care that I banged myself up in a slightly scary way. I'm astonished.

Special thanks to beardy __foreverlost__ for the amazing technical book he purchased for me. I couldn't read it at the time, but I am starting to slowly get stuck into it. An amazing pressie!

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This past week I made up for the lack of reading I did before and I'm part way through my second book of the week (another new record for me). I would go on about them here, but this "short" journal is turning into another marathon.

I'll just name them instead.

1. When Gravity Fails by George Alec Effinger
2. Idoru by William Gibson

The book I finished just before my accident was A Canticle for Leibowitz by Walter M. Miller Jr.. That is a profoundly good book. I keep meaning to write up about it, but I'm going to have to refresh my memory a bit. The accident took it away slightly. What I know for certain is that I absolutely, thoroughly, fell in love with the book.

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I suppose the reason I thought I didn't have much to say is because since my accident I haven't accomplished much, or done much of anything. It's not surprising really, but it is quite boring. I started going through some photos of my trip to Amsterdam in June. I have a few I can post here, but I'm really not sure how interesting they are. I wish I had something more enlightening to share with you. I'm rather uninspiring of late.

These photos are all from June this year:

















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I had a few breakdowns since the accident about getting back on my bike. I hope this doesn't sound too trivial to everyone. I didn't really expect it. I haven't spent much time thinking about the actual accident itself but every so often I'll see, hear or do something that reminds me of it and the visuals come flooding back. I think I wrote my last entry when I was still in a kind of shock and wasn't too cut up about the whole thing.

Now, though, every time I think of getting back on my bike I panic and see the ground rushing towards me and every other thing that surrounds what happened. I'm kind of sick of shedding tears over the whole thing but even now I know I can't say much more than this because I can feel myself welling up. I hope with time it gets easier. I don't want to be afraid of a simple thing as riding a bike forever.

Although, it has also made me afraid of other things such as skiing and anything else that could involve similar accidents. Sports and other past-times that I really love and have eagerly been awaiting the winter so I can truly get back into them.

I suppose this is what happens when we're reminded of just how truly fragile our bodies are and how close we can come to permanent damage or worse.

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I took some thank you notes to the hospital a few days after my accident. We had to settle part of my bill anyway. (Which is GINORMOUS, thanks CT scans). Hopefully we can make a claim to the city because of the fault in the pavement. Matthew called them a day or so afterwards and they apparently have a claims procedure in place. So hopefully that way we don't have to do anything stupid like sue them to get the medical bills paid. I honestly don't know what I would have done without Matthew here to take care of me and all this official rubbish.

This is beside the point. I took thank you notes to the emergency nurses and paramedics because they really were the best medical staff I've ever encountered (and I've encountered a few). I don't know if they got to the right people (I expect they'd have been pinned to a notice board somewhere). But, the look on the face of the nurse manning the desk was enough to know how much my notes will mean to those that do see them. It felt worthwhile. I was feeling rather silly for even writing them at one point, but that look spoke volumes.

I keep meaning to paste a notice to the bus stop to thank the Christian woman and the man who called the ambulance. But every time I've passed that street my throat tightens and my hands clench. I feel so weak and useless, I hope this passes with time also.

I got Matthew to drive me past the pot-holes shortly after my accident and to be honest at the time it was difficult but right now I'm not sure I can do it again just yet. I'm slightly concerned that it is getting more difficult with time, but perhaps it's as I allow myself to think of it more that it becomes more of an issue.

I don't know, I just hate feeling weak and not in control. I never thought I was proud or a control freak but I've come to realise I am a little of both.

Enough of this.


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This is the door of the freezer where I live. It's some of my favourite photos I took over the summer on film. It's also my desktop right now. I like it. Perhaps I should scan some of those photos in some day.

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After another marathon entry, I am off. I'm going out to try and inspire myself by the beautiful autumn day. I'll have a camera or two in my hand and a scarf around my neck. This really is my favourite time of the year.