cherry

I need a camera to my eye, to my eye, reminding which lies I have been hiding, which echoes belong; I've counted out days to see how far I've driven in the dark with echoes in my heart - Wilco



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Erm... so I think this journal entry will mostly be a lot of photos. It might be like that for a while as I go through the few hundred I took in Canada. You should feel lucky, in a way; I still haven't even gone through the photos from Canada last year. This is quite rare. I guess it's part of my new outlook - to try and bring the photos out of themselves before the cobwebs start to gather and they become impossible to look at without burning my eyes.

I'm in a slightly better place, mentally, right now. That is to say, relative to six months or so ago. I feel more on top of myself and the things I have to accomplish. I am doing my best to keep a positive mindset and believe in myself and the world around me. If you know me at all then you will know this doesn't come naturally to me.

I strongly believe in the personality traits we can gain from our star signs and I have seen more than enough evidence to prove that the horoscope is a truly influential phenomenon. It's important to remember, however, that other worldly events and our history can shape our personalities just as equally. I like to believe that my star sign traits are my raw nature. The ones that mapped out my being as I was born to the world. These traits are the very basic level of my being and therefore they're inescapable.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I am a Sagittarius and by nature that makes me an optimistic, adventurous, outgoing traveller. I think if you look close enough then these traits are obvious. But, I do think they are overpowered by a relatively unhappy childhood and struggle into adulthood. I know there are tons of angsty people out there claiming the same thing, but it's true that our histories honestly and inexcusably shape who we are. Of course, this doesn't give anyone the right to pretend that they don't have control over themselves and who they become later in life.

Hence, the reason for my random thinking of this evening: with matters pertaining to myself and my future (and past) I am an overly negative and destructive person. I think it really comes with being bipolar and it is a difficult thing to work around. Having said this, I know I am unusually optimistic when it comes to other people. I always give other people the benefit of the doubt and I often get burned because of it. I've been hurt and used so many times I can't count any more. But, this doesn't stop me falling intensely in love with people I stumble into all the time. I claim to hate 98% of the population even though I know it really isn't true. It's more of a general loathing for the anonymous faces out there in the world that have no respect or kindness. I have a social anxiety that prevents me from putting myself into social situations unless I have someone familiar by my side, but when I get myself there I am enamoured with everyone's raw, individual humanity.

In the end I am just too complicated to sum up in a few paragraphs. I'm a general misanthropist who genuinely falls in love at every given opportunity and I adore all those I surround myself with. On top of this I can be horribly negative about myself. And this is where my new outlook truly comes into play. It's my mission to cut out this negativity once and for all. It's not easy as it's not natural for me. I figure, however, if I can give other people in the world a chance to hold a piece of my heart the least I can do is be as kind to myself.

In the past couple of months I have been told on many occasions that I am genuine and honest and kind. When I started hearing those words coming from people I really care about and was so nervous to spend time with that it induced panic attacks, I really started to think about how it was high tide I gave myself a break.

So, here I am... now whatever you do please don't mistake this for me losing my modesty. Hah.

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There we have it. I said I was mostly going to post photos, and I proved myself wrong. There's just no stopping this brain of mine sometimes. I don't think being incredibly jet-lagged really helps. I find coming this way around the world very difficult to adjust my body clock. Loosing all that time doesn't help my external sensors.

Okay, finally, photos . . .

snperson


I adore this miniature snowman I made. He has Canadian pennies for eyes and blades of grass for arms. I made him the previous night to taking this photo. I'd also made another and placed him strategically on a bench but less than an hour later some random pedestrian had violently murdered him and he lay in a pool of his own snow with pennies on top.

This, snowman, however remained untouched for a good 3-4 days. You can see he is starting to melt in the blasting sun on the first day, but it was a slow disease and it took some time until he turned into a snowskeleton and commited suicide by sliding off the edge.



This is how tiny he really was. Poor tiny snowman. I saw a lady walking past one day who positively cried out with joy when she saw him. The whole thing was therefore instantly worthwhile. I do like to brighten someone's day.

when blur is important


Someone important to me commented that after spending time with me over the past few weeks that she'd come to appreciate the unusual (and often unacceptable) things in photographs such as blur. That made me smile.



The people across from where I was staying never closed the blinds to their kitchen. I could see in every single day and watch their lives go by. A few times I even saw them walking around half naked.

I liked how the snow had settled on their little roof.

I often worked at a table by this window while I was there. It was nice to tear my eyes from my screen to see someone else's daily life unfold.



A view from where I was staying.

Overweight Christmas Tree


This was taken with good old fashioned film.



Another taken on film. Sock snowmen are my favourite decorations.

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I'm going for tea to catch up with AnnaLee tomorrow and then possibly Tsui will join us later on. I am so out of it with jet-lag. I really hope I don't talk too much nonsense and embarrass myself. Well, anyway, I can't wait. I really feel myself in front of AnnaLee. Not that I pretend to be anyone but myself, and I don't think I even really put up any true barriers to the world... I just so often feel like an alien around other people. I think AnnaLee is an alien too and that is why it's okay.

I'm going to hit submit now before I talk much more rubbish.

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:cherry:




P.S Oh! Stay tuned. Hopefully in the next few days I will have my first ever set of prints to sell via SG. Aren't you lucky?