chenz

I really thought I had a handle on how I was feeling. Seemed like I was past the worst of it, but now I am right back to square one.

I'm going to have to call the docs tomorrow. I have been putting it off for weeks, and I haven't had any form of anti-depressant now for a couple of months.

It's too easy to think you don't need help any more because you feel better! I have been up and down so many times, I should know better.

It really isn't helping the way I feel about my ex. She has broken my heart. Lied to me right from the start, intentionally set out to hurt me; she is so selfish and openly admits it. She has such deep rooted issues going back right through her life, and the only thing she knows how to when she is hurting is get angry. She pushes everyone close to her away before they reject her. I was closest to her, and she pushed me away the most.

Am I wrong to think I understand her, and to feel for her? Everyone tells me I am better off without, my whole family hates her.

She abused me mentally. I ended up thinking I had completely lost my grip on reality, she twisted everything up and projected her issues onto me. She beat on me, the last time she blacked both my eyes, broke my nose, bit a chunk out of my cheek and my chest.

So why do I still love her? I know the way I describe things makes it sound like I am a fool, but it wasn't all bad. The good times were really good. I haven't just lost my partner, I have lost my best friend. I'm not naive when it comes to relationships, I have had enough and no one has ever know me like she did. We were so close at one point.

How can things end up like this, when two people both want the same thing? It's a fucking mess. I have no faith in relationships now.