chelsi_

I'm lazy to type so I'm copying and pasting everything from my myspace blog. FIRST OFF - if you havent read my last blog you should go read it and vote, and then enjoy reading about my dream, and how my night was, and yeah.....

My dream last night went like this:

Nevada and I were in our dorm room and the fire alarm went off - we decided to stay and three girls end up coming into our room and finding us so we get in trouble and Mr. Marcum from high school (the old volleyball coach) is like "funny, the first time i have to catch people and i catch chelsi p****"

so we're waiting on an elevator, half of the group including nevada gets in the closest one on the right and i get into the one furthest on the left. it's dark, full of girls and mr. marcum...and the thing breaks, falls backwards, spins, and we land. girls are bloody and screaming and i'm hanging on to something with a feeling that if i let go i'd fall further, but i didnt look. the doors open and these guys try to help but somehow gets squished between the wall and the elevator and i look at him and his body looks like he got ran over cuz he's so flat. more blood and guts. i dont remember how but one girl that tried to get out ends up getting mutilated, i get out, my friend anna who i didnt even know was in the elevator with me tries to get out and the door closes on her leg and pretty much cuts it off and she's stuck there on the floor screaming with her leg stuck so i keep pressing the "open door" button and it wont open, then the door starts to slide back and forth dragging her with it and finally it opens up.

then my eyes are some guys, and i can see that im talking to some guy with a horse and people are everywhere all freaked out about what just happened and the guy makes a joke "hey meet my wife". the guy had worms on his boots.

i see wedmore (my first ex), by now i'm back as myself, and i go up to him and hes like "this isnt a funny april fools joke"...i didnt even think it was april fools. then im like "i havent seen you in forever, did you know im pregnant?" and of course im like "april fools"

i leave, but then im somehow on a beach of this gross polluted lake/dam/river/ocean and i cant see myself but i can see that guy i mentioned earlier that was talking to the guy with the horse. he's walking along the edge of the water, shit everywhere, its disgusting, worms are all over the place and i can look down and see my feet and im trying not to step on them (like i would in real life). and we come across two bodies of two girls that were in the elevator. ones arm is gashed open and her leg is completely ripped off. he starts screaming and people show up and he asks for help, and then in my head i figure out that he thinks the creepy guy w/ the worms on his boots and horse had something to do with the whole elevator thing and the death of the girls. so.....he starts walking down this path through tall grass and my mind jumps to another scene.

there are a bunch of kids on campus near the parking garage and noyer and this girl gets out of a car and is like "im the transfer student from rome are you so and so?" and he lies and says his friend is. then "i" am in a car with them and they get out and get in another car so now theres just the new girl driving and she's flipping out like "how do i do this?" and she closes her eyes and when shes driving she sideswipes this silver bmw, they end up following her and a bunch of guys drive up beside her on crotch rockets and this chinese guy gets in and she thinks he's going to kill her but he ends up raping her while the other kids from the other car are being pushed around, some shot, by the rest of the guys from the bmw/rockets.

thats when i woke up.



thats the second time i've had a dream where i was in an elevator that broke, twisted/turned, fell, and i got out.
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i saw ex-faggot drive by tonight when I was walking to my spot on campus. I gave him the finger, but doubt he saw me. While sitting around thinking, I giggled at the fact that I wanted to punch his face in for all the times I should have. Then I thought about how evil it was that I didn't feel guilty....then laughed some more. It's fun to go back and reflect on things because my past all led up to where I am now. And when I was thinking about that....I was in my special spot on campus, missing my boyfriend, wondering if Michelle was going to call, listening to my Ipod staring at two ducks in front of me that were trying to sleep but failing because I kept popping my gum. I thought how my hatred for him is a big player for the love I have for Brian. My past relationship bullshit makes me appreciate everything more.

I wanted to punch his fucking face in.
Key his car.
Kick the tires.
Stick my gum on his window.
Maybe kick it in.
Jump on the roof.
Bust his headlights.

But I didn't. I'm a karma kind of person, you see. What goes around comes around, and I try real hard not to give into my violent, agressive, mean-spirited urges. Sure I'm passive, but sometimes I don't want to be. Violence is not an answer. It's a cop-out.

Boy I could have fucked him up. Damnit. I clenched my fists and sucked it up the whole walk home.

I guess I'm strong-willed, and some don't know just how lucky they should feel.

One of these days I'll give in so I don't explode, and I feel bad for whoever it is that I take it out on. I take that back....I don't. They'll probably deserve it.

The other part of me wants to say that no one deserves it, I'm torn.

It's always a constant tug-o-war in my mind and sometimes I can't fucking stand it.

Who cares? Goodnight.