charlize

Hey guys! I am alive, but barely...

On the 21st I had surgery. It was a laparoscopy. My doctor told me right before that if she could do anything to fix the problem she would. By the time I went into surgery I was living at like an 8 to 9 on that pain scale. It sucked. She did find stuff she could fix. She found endometriosis, which is what we thought all along. I had a ton. For anyone that doesn't know endometriosis is when the lining of the uterus grows in places it is not suppoesed to. Mine was behind the uterus, on my right ovary, and the ligaments. The doctor said most of my pain was caused by the stuff on the ligaments because it is pushing the ligaments down, forcing me to use them constantly. She said it would be like having a charlie-horse constantly. You guys have had those, right? They hurt like a bitch! She cut all that shit out. It most likely will not return as long as I take birth control and eat vegetarian diet. It's better to be vegan and I am working on that. I tried to be vegetarian once before this. I did not succeed. This time I will. I would do anything to not experience that again. Read on if you want to know about the worst surgery experience I have ever had...

Okay, so the day of the surgery I needed to be at the hospital at 6am. My mother was taking me. I didn't want her to because I knew she would never get up that early. When I had surgery in October, I was late because she insisted that she needed to do her hair and make-up. I wanted to strangle her. Anyway, when I needed to leave she was still asleep. As a result, I drove myself to the hospital.

I was shaking because I was so upset. What kind of mother does that? But, I need to remember it's MY mother and she has done some of the most malicious things to my sister and I. Luckily, my ex-roommate and her mama came. I was so grateful. They were there for me the whole time!

Eventually my mother did show up. She was pissed that I didn't wait. Okay, so I am about ready to go into surgery and I was happy by this point. I was so glad that people were supporting me. I am not used to that.

I was rolled into the ROOM. I hate those rooms. They are cold and uncomfortable. The doctor put me to sleep. I could not sleep the night before at all. When I woke up I was stunned. I thought that I was in my bed sleeping. I woke up and just started screaming. I was in so much pain I couldn't even imagine it. The nurse kept telling me to calm down. When I finally did, she said I freaked out for about 30 minutes. It is the first time I have woken up from anesthia unhappy. She gave me some stuff that knocked me back out.

When I woke up again I was back in MY room. My ex-roommate and her mama were there, but my mom was gone. They told me that she went to fill my prescription and she was coming right back. I fell back alseep. I hated it because I felt paralazed. I couldn't lift anything (even the blanket) and I couldn't grasp anything (roomie gave me a stuffed snowman and I could not hold on to it) and I couldn't really move my mouth or make sound very well (I couldn't talk, I hate that!).

The roomie and her mama left my room for a little while and my mom called. The nurse answered the phone and my mom wanted to talk to me. Mind you I can't move! I say no to the phone because there is just no way I can do it. She tells the nurse to have me CALL her when I am ready to leave. What the hell? Who does that? My little sister talked her into going back to the hospital. I was surprised when she showed back up...until my sister walked in behind her.

So I leave the hospital and they tell me that I need someone to do everything for me for at least 48 hours. I am not supposed to be left anyone at all. The day after surgery my mom and sister left me alone for five hours. I needed someone and there was no one. It sucked.

To top things off, it was incredibly hard to urinate. This is a lot of info, but whatever. I ended up calling the doctor and they told me to come right in. They put in a catheter (sp?). And in case someone does not know what that is, it's a tube they put in your urethra to draw the urine out of the bladder. Attached is a little pee-bag. I had to wear it all night. I was humiliated when I left. And those things fucking hurt. I could barely walk and my mom sped ahead of me. Luckily, my sister was there too, so she helped my walk.

I needed to return to the doctor the next morning to get it removed. This should have been no problem, right? I thought so, but when I finally get to the car (my mom made it there eons before me and my sister) my mom tells me she is going to drop me off. Okay, maybe I was overreacting, but I did not want to be left there with no ride. My mom had a conflicting appointment. I said that I would get someone else to take me and it pissed her off. She started screaming at me. By this time I am balling my eyes out. With every heave is incredible pain. All I can say anymore is, "STOP! PLEASE STOP!" She wouldn't. I can't even remember what she was saying. I felt so horrible. I wanted to jump out of the car. My sister called roomie's mama and mama said she would take me. There was some kind of relief to this.

When we arrived back at the house, which seemed to take hours, I tried to quickly get out of the car. I just wanted to get away from the screaming. My mom seems so evil when she gets angry. As a result (and it is my fault), I collapsed within steps of the car. I was still crying and my mom was still yelling. My sister tried to help me up again, but I collapsed again. One more time I tried to get up with my sister and she helped me up the stairs.

I laid down and tried to sleep, but the pain would not go away. I felt like I just woke up from surgery. I kept wishing the pain would leave, but it didn't. I couldn't stop crying. Tears were streaming down my face constantly. My mother came in my room and said she was going to take me to the appointment, period. End of story. I called mama and told her she didn't need to take me.

After about four hours, I thought the pain was never going to go away. I could not get anyone's attention and I could not move. My cell phone was right next to me so I called roomie. I just wanted to know what they thought I should do. Unfortunately, I could not formulate a sentence because I was in so much pain. And I did was scream and cry. My sister and mom came in the room. Roomie and her mama said they were coming. An ambulance was called. They tried to get me to get up and walk down the stairs, but I couldn't. They had to carry me.

At the hospital they did lots of tests before giving me more pain medicine. Thank God, I was okay. The fall just fucked up any healing that had occured. They gave me some morphine-like drug and sent me back home. I did not go back with my mom, I went with Roomie and mama. They took care of me the most during my recovery. PLUS, they didn't make me feel badly about it. I hate more than anything making other people take care of me. I think I should take care of myslef and want to take care of others, but I don't think I deserve to have people do things for me...even after surgery.

So, I went home on Christmas eve. My sister took care of me then. Just yesterday I started doing things more for myself. It still hurts to do almost everything, but I get better everyday. YAH!!! I am so excited to finally be without pain. I can't remember what that feels like. Seriously, this pain started slowly when I was 16. By 18 and a half I was almost constantly in pain. It just kept getting worse. I am almost 21 now, I hope that it goes away for good.

I am doing bad with the vegan thing. I have some Haggen-Dazs frozen yogurt -- Rasberry/vanilla. I love this stuff!

Jessica Simpson makes me sad.

I should be updating more again. I love you guys! I love how everyone has been so nice and messaging me good thoughts and prayers and stuff. It is really sweet. My next entry will not be this long! I promise. To anyone who actually read all this, thanks! It's so freaking long!