charlize

I didn't want to come back to DC at all, but I came. Now I am here.

Despite all of the shit, I love my boyfriend so much. I can't stop. When I was visiting I could tell he really does love me too. The distance kills us, though. He can be such an ass, but he can also be so respectful and caring. He is the only person in my entire life with has been willing to take care of me. He nurtures me in a lot of ways emotionally that no one ever has. He is the only person that has been affectionate towards me. My mother never hugged me or told me she loved me or anything like that growing up. I have always felt really awkward and uncomfortable when anyone has tried, expect for my current boyfriend.

And you know why I partially think that is... He is the only guy I have ever been with that has been truly respectful to me when it comes to sex. I tried to break up with him when I was in Portland. I stayed firm and he was really upset. But, I ended up reduced to crying for like an hour at least. I mean sobbing uncontrollably. He was crying too, although not quite as intensely. He was in disbelief. I packed all my stuff and he was going to take me to my mom's to stay for the rest of my trip, but I just couldn't let him go. I just love him way too much. He really loves me too. I can tell. We have some kind of connection or something. He told me that he feels like he needs to be with me sometimes, but he doesn't exactly know why. I feel the same way. I felt like my heart was ripped out when I left. I can't keep going back and forth across the country. It is killing me.

My school loan doesn't appear like it is going to go through. And so much of me wants to go back to Portland. There is really no point in staying because I came for school, but now I can't go anymore. I just want to be where I am loved. It is so rare for me to feel like someone truly cares about me. I know he does, I sometimes can't tell when he is so far away. And the same is true for him. He has a hard time believing I love him when I am this far too. I wish this decision would be easy.

Stay and work. I have one friend, who I care about deeply and she cares about me just as much. But, I've only known her for a few months. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and I feel spiritually connected to him.

or

I can go back home and work. And be in love without the fact that I am moving away hanging over my relationship. Or that I am leaving again. It hurts so much when I leave. And I feel so happy and so safe and so loved when I am with him... most of the time.

Someone told me I should go where I am loved... If that is the case, then I should clearly move back. If it doesn't work out, I have always wanted to live in California...