charlize

I didn't go to work two days in a row, but I went today. They sent me home because I was way too sick to try to wait tables. At least I showed up... I guess. Feeling this sick reaffirms how alone I am here. It sucks, a lot. I feel like I have been crying all day. Wait, I have been. I just can't seem to stop. I think it probably isn't helping me get any better. I haven't been throwing up today (although I came really close when I was attempting to work around all that food), but I still have a pretty high fever and feel extremely sick still. My fever seems to get worse whenever I cry. My boyfriend(?) calmed me down a lot earlier, but later he tried, but just ended up getting frustrated. He felt like he wasn't helping and didn't know what else to do. He says it is too much for him to deal with my pain all the time. That is fair. I can't handle it, so why or how would someone else? I don't want him to solve m problems. Sometimes it is just nice to have someone to comfort me. He thinks I want him to fix everything for me. It feels like all of the pain I have ever felt is boiling up over the top and I can't take it. It's like I never dealt with a whole slew of shit and now it is killing me. It's making me feel ugly inside and out. I cannot imagine anyone loving me when I feel like this. I'm sick and sad and I feel helpless. I can't understand how or why my boyfriend(?) still says he loves me, insists on calling, or wants to be with me despite all of my craziness. I lost all of my strength. I don't feel like a woman. I feel like a scared little girl who needs someone to protect her. There is no one to fulfill that role. When I think about it, I realize there never was. No one protected me as a child. I didn't know my dad and my mother through me out to the wolves (or should I say wolf? Considering I am thinking of one particular predator). I had to try to protect my little sister and I failed. The shit that happened to her surpasses everything that happened to me. I have so much guilt over the fact that I feel like I didn't do enough. And I can't take her pain away. What can you do for someone who has her best friends dad kill and rape two of her other friends and bury them in the backyard? I knew he was bad. I told her not to hang out at his house, but she wouldn't listen. He plead guilty and is now in jail for life. Then a few years after that her friend's step dad did something to my sister and her friend. He also plead guilty and is in jail. I never wanted my sister to go through this shit. I would pray for her. It messes you up forever. Maybe I am being ridiculous. Everyone goes through bad stuff. It's just a fact of life. I don't want to be alone forever because I can't deal and no one else wants to deal with all my problems. I stayed single forever because I didn't want to expose all of my problems and pain to someone else. I thought it would be unfair to be in a relationship with someone under those conditions. I was trying to work through them before getting seriously involved. Then I got really sick and realized I had never been in love. I wanted that more than anything. Nothing I faced was fatal, but it still made me feel mortal. So I let myself go to someone without working through everything and now it's too much for him and it's too much for me. Honestly, something happened to me six weeks before I left that brought all of this up. It turned my life inside out and upside down. Being alone just seems to have hurt me more. It's harder to deal when I am alone all alone except when I am at work. And at work it doesn't really count because I am working or having surface conversations with co-workers. I almost didn't come. I shouldn't have. I am no longer strong enough. I did need some time alone, just not this much. A few weeks would have been plenty. I have to move back home anyway because my loan never paid my school and I am being kicked out. The bank is fucking with me and I am about done fighting. They keep throwing me through loops. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise. I need too much comfort right now to pursue a goal all alone.