charlize

Don't you hate those girls that you see in shitty relationships with shitty guys. She can't seem to find the strength to get out. She seems and feels perpetually stuck. You always want to shake her and tell her there is someone better out there. Someone that will treat her with respect and love her fully and unconditionally. Even when you finally do get frustrated enough to say it aloud, you find you have landed on deaf ears. She loves him after all and that has overtaken her. She can't believe there will ever be anyone else. She is afraid to let go. Maybe she lost herself. The fear keeps her coming back because what if no one will love her again. But, then is it really love at all if he treats her like shit mostly? Whenever she gets the courage to walk out, he acts like prince charming. "Baby, please don't go... I love you. I will do anything. I will treat you better. I promise." And she falls for it. He does, for a few days or maybe a few weeks. She is trapped again and afraid to leave. Don't you just want to shake some sense into her? I do.

But, I find myself being that girl. That girl that always drives me crazy, but I always have a soft spot for her. Typically, I am the friend who is trying to gently (sometimes not so gently...depending) coax that girl out of the pain and misery. I always stay single. I am always afraid I will become THAT girl. I was that girl in that past and that was why I felt so passionately to stay out of relationships. It is a pattern that is hard to break. Now, I find I am THAT girl again. I can't break free. I try, but every time he tells me he will act differently, I so desperately want to believe him. I love him with all my heart and I don't want to believe that I wasted all this time. He never sees what he does to hurt me. He is blind. Every time I say it's over, he changes. He cannot stand the thought of me leaving him. It drives him crazy. I question whether it is love or pride. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my heart is dying. It barely has the strength to beat.

I sent him some pictures on Monday. He didn't bother to look at them until this morning. He said he had forgotten how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. How could he forget how much he loves me if he truly does? I never forget. Maybe it is a girl thing. In addition, why does it take three days to look at the email I sent? He says it is the distance, but he did shitty things when I was there, just not as often. He told me once that being with me made him want to KILL himself. I thought that was particularly harsh and I can't forget about it. It hurt to hear that all the way to the core of my soul. He said he was kidding later, but he didn't say it like a joke. Furthermore, who the fuck jokes about something like that????? I was going to leave him when he said that. I tried. He pulled me back in...like always. I am under a spell and he knows it. I am trying to stay strong and stay broken up (I broke up with him this morning), but he already wrote me and called me and is trying to woo me with fake promises. And being all alone it is hard not to give in. Especially because it looks like I can't come up with the money to pay my school, so I have to move back to Oregon. I'm not going to have anywhere to live. But, I could never afford to stay here.

I became THAT girl and I hate it. It's easier to be single. I would sacrifice all the seemingly loving things that happen in a relationship right now.

All I ever wanted was to be happy and in love.