Today is a huge, huge day.
Only a few years ago, I was walking around hiding my face behind my hair, behind beanies, behind the hood of my sweater. A few years ago, I was covering my face in pictures and having panic attacks any time a camera was even close to facing me.
I remember how it felt. I was ashamed of myself. I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to look like the girls I saw on the streets or in movies, and I absolutely loathed myself for not even coming close to looking like them.
I would skip classes in high school because I couldn't focus on the curriculum. I was too busy obsessing over others seeing me and thinking that I was a monster.
I was the girl with the freckles/moles on her face and arms, the girl that was short and that didn't have the body that everybody perceived as the ideal "beautiful." I hated myself, and I knew other people were behind the scenes making fun of me as well.
I remember the day that I made a choice to get better. It was my first time being hospitalized for mental health. I was kept for ten days. The day I was discharged, I went and got my hair done. It was a huge step for me, because along with feeling worthless comes a feeling of, "I don't deserve to do nice things for myself." So I said fuck it, and I treated myself.
A few days after that, I went to the piercing shop and got a new piercing. Again. I said fuck it - I'm treating myself to something that's going to make me feel good.
I felt like a new person. I had done nice things for myself - I had TAKEN CARE of myself in the ways that I needed - and I had put my feet on the very beginning of one of the paths to recovery.
In the coming months, I tried taking pictures of my face, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I would see the result and end up deleting everything. So, I told myself that I was going to start off taking pictures of my body. Over time, photographing my body helped me feel like I wasn't the monster I had drummed myself up to be. That /maybe/ I was actually an okay looking girl.
Months and months and moooonths later, I took a picture of my face. And I posted it to my Tumblr. I didn't delete it. That was one of the first times I had ever done that without having a panic attack.
I realized after some time that taking photos of myself/having photos taken of me were some of my healthy coping skills. When I felt repulsive, I'd take a picture. I'd take care of myself. I'd do what I needed to do in order to not feel the way I was feeling. Positive affirmations, writing a list of my good traits, etc.
Looking back over the years, at myself and my progress, I can honestly say that I am proud of myself. I went from hiding myself away behind layers and layers, from breaking down any time someone wanted a photo with me, to being on the front page of SuicideGirls.
This is an unbelievable thing, honestly. I don't even know what to call it. I woke up this morning and felt as though I was still dreaming when I saw myself on the front page. To know that I have been to fucking hell and back, and to have made it this far, gives me hope. I have bad days still - a lot - but if i review the steps I've taken to get to where I'm standing right here, today, I am proud. I am grateful.
On my bad days, on days that I relapse with my self harm, on days that I have to leave work early because the weight of the world is crushing me - I can look back and see that for every time I think I'm going backwards, I'm really just taking a side route on the same path I was already on. I can come to SuicideGirls - this community, this place where I've met SO many amazing people and made SO many friends, and feel loved and accepted for being myself, exactly how I am.
My own self hatred/self harm/body dysmorphia has helped me to appreciate how beautiful others are as well. I believe everyone is beautiful. Scars, moles, birthmarks, acne, everything. I love seeing people just as they are. It has helped me to realize that everyone has different coping mechanisms that work for them. Do what YOU need to do to love yourself, and fuck what anyone else has to say about it. Do what's good for you, and the right people will gravitate towards you naturally.
Thank you to every single person who has been through this journey with me, and thank you to absolutely everyone for your support and love. It's hard to believe that not too long ago, I thought I was a monster that didn't deserve anything. But today, I am here, I am a fucking SuicideGirl, and I am proud.
Thank you guys SO much.
