Wow. So somebody finally commented about my scars on my SuicideGirls set. I knew it was bound to happen, and part of me wants to cry out of frustration because some people can’t see past that one aspect of my past self, and the other part of me wants to cry in appreciation because I know I am so much more than my old bad habits. They do not define me, even if they left marks on my skin. I have struggled with self image issues for years and years and years, and posing for SuicideGirls was a tremendous accomplishment for me for a lot of reasons, but especially because I have scars. I know I have them, I know they are obvious. But that isn’t going to stop me or cause me to hide myself away again.
I have no control over what people will tag me as. As a cutter, or whatever else they can come up with. All I know is that I’m not perfect, and that’s what I’ve finally learned to be grateful for about myself.
Yes, my heart stopped when I saw the tags “cutter” and “scar tissue” under my album because I have only ever seen such loving, positive feedback from people on SuicideGirls. It was a shock to be reminded that even in an alternative, mostly supportive community, there are still those who are hateful and bitter.
I didn’t pose for SuicideGirls only for myself. I did it to prove that no matter what flaws you have, even if you are still insecure about them, you can overcome anything. I wanted to show the people that it would matter to that it’s okay to have scars, and it’s okay to not want to hide anymore. Yes, I asked my photographer if she could edit out my scars as best as she could, and she did do a great job. But I realize now that they are a part of me, and I shouldn’t be trying to erase them. Strangely enough, I have grown stronger from a weakness that almost killed me, and that continues to try to fight me constantly. Now when I look through my photos, I don’t just see my scars. I see a girl who has the strength to show the world that she isn’t going to wear long sleeves and jeans for the rest of her life. I hid myself away for too long, and any hateful or purely mean feedback is further fuel for me to fight back and show those who need it that it’s okay, and we don’t have to be ashamed anymore.
