charlatan

I have been trying to come up with something to write here for days.

Blank.

I feel the need to vent something but I have nothing to vent. Nothing that hasn't been heard before and, frankly, I'm tired of hearing it come out of my mouth.

My class reunion is coming up in a few weeks. I am nervous to see these people after so many years. I'm not sure why, I guess it's because of time. I am different now..or scarier yet, what if I'm not? Well either way I have some good friends I'll see and we will get loaded.

My hometown is pretty small. My class was about sixty or seventy total when i graduated so I know all of them by name. My family lives about twenty miles from Chisholm now but it is still the closest town.

I had a cute furry little lady sleep in bed with me last night. I love her beard. Lily is the best. Of all the women I've ever met my dog is the one who has been the truest to me. I love her. Unfortunately I have to give her back today.

I miss being young and having a head full of ideals. I miss the mystery of what is to come...the excitement that thought used to bring. I miss having someone to share with. I don't miss it desperately, but I miss it. Just that bond of something you can't explain.

I guess I just miss having someone to make happy.

I seem to have lived most of my life to please another. This has now left me uncapable of pleasing myself. I don't know what makes me happy other than doing things for those I care about. So I do these things but the satisfaction isn't as good as it was when the person I did things for was in love with me, and me with her. It has been that way with every girl I have ever had feelings with. I am a giver, I enjoy the look on their faces when I do something that makes them happy. I live for the thank you, for the satisfaction I bring. I'm addicted to it. Without it I feel lost, confused, and unsure if my life is moving at all.

I don't know what all this means for me exactly. Do I expect too much? Am I too needy? Am I unhealthy for myself?

I don't know the answers. I wish I did.

I also wish I had a pool.