It feels unbelievable to me that this year is almost over already. It seems like it just flew by and all we have left is around five weeks. Tonight I can't help but go over all that has been in my 2010.
Going back to school last year has been something I continuously am hot and cold on. The road seems to be littered with irritating busy work. Although I know where I want my academic future to end I am still uncertain about its center. I do enjoy the position I have found myself in as Vice President of the student body at my school. It has helped me this year with keeping my ass on campus more, which has allowed me to keep up on schoolwork. It has also opened up to me a whole new horizon of people to interact with, and that makes me glad.
Working in the mine seems almost like some kind of hazy dream that took just a few seconds before the experience was gone. Being back where I grew up was great, while also being one of the hardest things I've done. There was actually much more to process about being home than I realized. I never thought about how much I left behind when I moved away. There were so many things left for me there that I intentionally stowed away so far out of reach. So many memories of all the years I spent with friends, family, and loved ones that had been long forgotten came back into my mind. It was hauntingly enlightening.
In a way my time spent back home is a good compass for all of 2010. I allowed myself to embrace things I had been afraid to approach in the last two years or so. I let my heart hang out there this year for the first time in a long while. Even though I suffered some hurt from how it ended up, she was worth the effort and I would go back and do it again. In some ways I remembered why we try for such things to begin with, and for that I am grateful.
I'm not sure why my mind always seems to drift toward the thoughts of love and love lost. Ive always been that way, I guess. I carry with me this immense respect and admiration for all of my friends who seem to have figured out exactly how to make it work. In my longing to be able grasp that knowledge, I'm sure my attempts look like some kind of floundering, desperate ruse to gain attention. It isn't that I want people to notice these reckless attempts to elicit sympathy. It's just that it takes me so long to build up the steam within myself to reach out for it again that I can't control the impact I make when I miss it. Every time I look back on the foolish words that I allow to spill from my lips, or tumble through my keyboard I feel a bit embarrassed about letting it leave my thoughts to be sent out for others to decipher. Even the smallest teapot has to let off some steam every now and then, though. I am not any different.
I've been going through old boxes this week in an attempt to maximize the space that I have for storing items for the upcoming winter. I'm sick of the air conditioner being in the other room of my apartment. I'm tired of barely having enough room to store my bike properly for the upcoming deep freeze that is at our doorsteps in Minnesota. It is in going through these that I may have partially come to realize what it is that draws me to thoughts of love.
I have become a lonely soul.
Not in some melodramatic, "woe is me" sense. Simply in a, "that's just the way life works out sometimes" sense. Whatever the case may be I now see this in the mirror. I see it in my own eyes that I have accepted this lone status as the way it is going to be. Realizing that has made me want to rail against it. Not in a loud, obnoxious way, but to silently try and change things about who I am to maybe stop fulfillment of this self imposed prophecy. I want everything my very best friends have. Why shouldn't I be entitled to hold hands with someone in the park? I want to lay in the dark with someone and quietly talk about hopes and dreams; to quietly talk about everything and anything we want.
Those are the things that I value most in this world. Money and success are of no importance to me if I have only my reflection to share them with. The college degrees I am working towards seem meaningless if all they do is collect dust in a single person home for thirty years. What is life truly worth without companionship? Is having everything you ever wanted except what always mattered most still a successful life when the end comes? Would you be able to feel satisfied if it was you?
Going back to school last year has been something I continuously am hot and cold on. The road seems to be littered with irritating busy work. Although I know where I want my academic future to end I am still uncertain about its center. I do enjoy the position I have found myself in as Vice President of the student body at my school. It has helped me this year with keeping my ass on campus more, which has allowed me to keep up on schoolwork. It has also opened up to me a whole new horizon of people to interact with, and that makes me glad.
Working in the mine seems almost like some kind of hazy dream that took just a few seconds before the experience was gone. Being back where I grew up was great, while also being one of the hardest things I've done. There was actually much more to process about being home than I realized. I never thought about how much I left behind when I moved away. There were so many things left for me there that I intentionally stowed away so far out of reach. So many memories of all the years I spent with friends, family, and loved ones that had been long forgotten came back into my mind. It was hauntingly enlightening.
In a way my time spent back home is a good compass for all of 2010. I allowed myself to embrace things I had been afraid to approach in the last two years or so. I let my heart hang out there this year for the first time in a long while. Even though I suffered some hurt from how it ended up, she was worth the effort and I would go back and do it again. In some ways I remembered why we try for such things to begin with, and for that I am grateful.
I'm not sure why my mind always seems to drift toward the thoughts of love and love lost. Ive always been that way, I guess. I carry with me this immense respect and admiration for all of my friends who seem to have figured out exactly how to make it work. In my longing to be able grasp that knowledge, I'm sure my attempts look like some kind of floundering, desperate ruse to gain attention. It isn't that I want people to notice these reckless attempts to elicit sympathy. It's just that it takes me so long to build up the steam within myself to reach out for it again that I can't control the impact I make when I miss it. Every time I look back on the foolish words that I allow to spill from my lips, or tumble through my keyboard I feel a bit embarrassed about letting it leave my thoughts to be sent out for others to decipher. Even the smallest teapot has to let off some steam every now and then, though. I am not any different.
I've been going through old boxes this week in an attempt to maximize the space that I have for storing items for the upcoming winter. I'm sick of the air conditioner being in the other room of my apartment. I'm tired of barely having enough room to store my bike properly for the upcoming deep freeze that is at our doorsteps in Minnesota. It is in going through these that I may have partially come to realize what it is that draws me to thoughts of love.
I have become a lonely soul.
Not in some melodramatic, "woe is me" sense. Simply in a, "that's just the way life works out sometimes" sense. Whatever the case may be I now see this in the mirror. I see it in my own eyes that I have accepted this lone status as the way it is going to be. Realizing that has made me want to rail against it. Not in a loud, obnoxious way, but to silently try and change things about who I am to maybe stop fulfillment of this self imposed prophecy. I want everything my very best friends have. Why shouldn't I be entitled to hold hands with someone in the park? I want to lay in the dark with someone and quietly talk about hopes and dreams; to quietly talk about everything and anything we want.
Those are the things that I value most in this world. Money and success are of no importance to me if I have only my reflection to share them with. The college degrees I am working towards seem meaningless if all they do is collect dust in a single person home for thirty years. What is life truly worth without companionship? Is having everything you ever wanted except what always mattered most still a successful life when the end comes? Would you be able to feel satisfied if it was you?