**Before I start with what I wanted to say I did want to shout out to all of the sweet, sweet people that bother to read my disertations and comment. You're all darlings and I love you.**


I have a reoccurring dream. Its dark and frightening and I wish it would stop. Ive had it, weekly on average, for more than 12 years.

Im driving in a car. An old car, a big car. Its blue and has a stained tan cloth interior. In the front seat Im behind the wheel, mind you I am 15 years old in this dream. There is a center consol that has a big green plant sitting on it, I can smell the dirt. In the passenger seat is my birth mother. In the back seat is a big black suit case on the right and a small green suit case on the left. In the back window there are several stuffed animals lining the top of the back seat.

The left hand turn signal is on, its broken and wont stop blinking. Making that clicking sound.. click, click, click.

Im driving in the dark, no headlights. The road in front of me is a one lane highway. There are white lines on either side of me and I cant see anything else to the left or right. Its either completely dark or non-existent, I cant tell. Nothing at all.

In front of me the road just continues in a perfectly straight line for what seems like miles and miles. I come to a stop sign. Beyond the stop sign the road continues but go straight up. Completely vertical.. no slope, no hill, just straight up.

The car, although cars should never do this, goes forward, straight up the street as if driving up the side of a building. Ahead of me, what I assume to be the top of the road, is a very bright light, very white. The white gets brighter as I get closer to the point of being blinding.

The entire time my birth mother is crying, quietly, but crying. She isnt speaking at all, just crying.

In the back ground is a song, a song Ive never been able to distinguish. I cant understand the words and the melody is haunting.

For 12 years Ive had this dream. In all 12 years Ive never gotten to the top of that road. I have no idea what is in that bright light. I have no idea what lies beyond that light, whats waiting at the top for me.

Is this dream my minds way of telling me that my birth mothers death will be mine as well? Is this dream my minds way of telling me that the insanity that destroys her is my fate as well? Is this dream nothing more than a childs (when it began) way of telling me that my life will be short lived and I should listen harder to the music?

What?