I'm grumpy. I'm sore. I hate my job.
yuck.
**Update**
AUGH! **SCREAM**
MY MOUTH HURTS!!!!!!
oh, and i need chocolate.
have you noticed that i've been grumpy a lot lately? why is that? perhaps it's work.. banter from today:
Boss (speaking to me): Were you listening on Friday morning during the meeting when the policy changed?
Me (speaking to boss): Actually, on Friday, I was laying in bed taking vicodine thanks to having all four of my wisdom teeth being removed on Thursday, or did you not notice that I wasn't here on Friday?
Boss (speaking to room): Ok, who's job was it to call her and tell her of the changes?
Coworker (speaking to boss): Um, you actually said that you'd call her.
Ok.. so yeah, my job sucks right now. Everyone is on edge, year end was a bitch but we dealt and, although it should have calmed down by now, it just hasn't. Normally I'm a big fan of my job but not lately.
It could be the fact that I'm worried about my son. He's seven years old and he's so smart, and so kind.. and so pitifully misunderstood. He's wonderful, he drives me utterly up the wall but he's so wonderful and people just don't see it. My friends see it. Neodrunk see's it, Judas has seen it, billybillybilly has seen it. They see it because they are like him.. amazing, smart, kind and misunderstood. I just want him to be happy and to be loved, this is not a lot for a mom to ask.
Maybe I've been grumpy because I'm worried about my boy. My sweet, wonderful boy.. the one I married. He's so special. There are times that I forget that, and there are people that harbor my frusteration with him. But I have to say that I've discovered a testimate to our relationship.. he was gone, for three days he was gone. Now for most people, three days doesn't sound like a lot, but for me, it was hell. I didn't sleep for almost 72 hours. How could I sleep without him in my bed? He seemed indifferent to it because he was busy, he was taking care of business, he was doing the right thing. But, he wasn't really indifferent, he was on his 'A' game.. but that didn't mean I wasn't on his mind. I know I was, and he was on mine. But I worry about him. Is he happy? Does he stay because he feels he has to? Could he do better than this? Am I really what he wants? Gods, I hope so. I love him.
Maybe I'm 'off' because of Kay. Kay is my birth mother. The fact that she's breathing is a waste of oxygen. Yes, that's harsh, and more than deserved. She's sick, actually, she's dying. I should be devestated. She IS afterall, my mother. But, I keep coming back to the fact that I believe in karma. And karma is coming back to bite her in the ass.. she's getting back what she gave. It just seems fair and I can't help but think that I must be the worst person on the planet for thinking that and I can't halp it. I can't help but think that she's getting what she deserves and then I'm ashamed because I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad person but I have so much anger in my heart for her that I just can't pity her.
I don't know.. this journal is therapy for me. I guess I'm just 'off' these days.
No matter how sad I get, how angry, how hurt, how unhappy.. my gram always taught me.. "Don't sweat the small stuff darlin'.. sweat the big stuff, the more you sweat, the more you'll stink and the more you stink the more people will leave you alone"
Night. I've mushed enough.
yuck.
**Update**
AUGH! **SCREAM**
MY MOUTH HURTS!!!!!!
oh, and i need chocolate.
have you noticed that i've been grumpy a lot lately? why is that? perhaps it's work.. banter from today:
Boss (speaking to me): Were you listening on Friday morning during the meeting when the policy changed?
Me (speaking to boss): Actually, on Friday, I was laying in bed taking vicodine thanks to having all four of my wisdom teeth being removed on Thursday, or did you not notice that I wasn't here on Friday?
Boss (speaking to room): Ok, who's job was it to call her and tell her of the changes?
Coworker (speaking to boss): Um, you actually said that you'd call her.
Ok.. so yeah, my job sucks right now. Everyone is on edge, year end was a bitch but we dealt and, although it should have calmed down by now, it just hasn't. Normally I'm a big fan of my job but not lately.
It could be the fact that I'm worried about my son. He's seven years old and he's so smart, and so kind.. and so pitifully misunderstood. He's wonderful, he drives me utterly up the wall but he's so wonderful and people just don't see it. My friends see it. Neodrunk see's it, Judas has seen it, billybillybilly has seen it. They see it because they are like him.. amazing, smart, kind and misunderstood. I just want him to be happy and to be loved, this is not a lot for a mom to ask.
Maybe I've been grumpy because I'm worried about my boy. My sweet, wonderful boy.. the one I married. He's so special. There are times that I forget that, and there are people that harbor my frusteration with him. But I have to say that I've discovered a testimate to our relationship.. he was gone, for three days he was gone. Now for most people, three days doesn't sound like a lot, but for me, it was hell. I didn't sleep for almost 72 hours. How could I sleep without him in my bed? He seemed indifferent to it because he was busy, he was taking care of business, he was doing the right thing. But, he wasn't really indifferent, he was on his 'A' game.. but that didn't mean I wasn't on his mind. I know I was, and he was on mine. But I worry about him. Is he happy? Does he stay because he feels he has to? Could he do better than this? Am I really what he wants? Gods, I hope so. I love him.
Maybe I'm 'off' because of Kay. Kay is my birth mother. The fact that she's breathing is a waste of oxygen. Yes, that's harsh, and more than deserved. She's sick, actually, she's dying. I should be devestated. She IS afterall, my mother. But, I keep coming back to the fact that I believe in karma. And karma is coming back to bite her in the ass.. she's getting back what she gave. It just seems fair and I can't help but think that I must be the worst person on the planet for thinking that and I can't halp it. I can't help but think that she's getting what she deserves and then I'm ashamed because I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad person but I have so much anger in my heart for her that I just can't pity her.
I don't know.. this journal is therapy for me. I guess I'm just 'off' these days.
No matter how sad I get, how angry, how hurt, how unhappy.. my gram always taught me.. "Don't sweat the small stuff darlin'.. sweat the big stuff, the more you sweat, the more you'll stink and the more you stink the more people will leave you alone"
Night. I've mushed enough.
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[Edited on Jan 17, 2005 10:49PM]