chaoticmonkey

It's been a sad time for me recently so therefore sad blogs is what i write. However, I am grateful for the wonderful people i continue to meet on SG. They help to alleviate the pain i feel.

Someone could get the impression that im just a sad person at heart. The truth is I may as well be. See back when I was like 18 i met this women who i ended up being with for 6 years. She was my first real relationship. I got used to having someone around to take care of...to cuddle with....to depend on. Something like that is hard to come by. I miss having that. I miss being in a relationship like that. I mean, it DOES get old after awhile....it does get mundane and the fire doesnt burn as bright as it used to...but the spark is still there. The fondness.....the LOVE. I miss it.

And since then i have been wandering from person to person trying to find what i lost but im met with failure after failure. Its not as though im trying to find HER...but im trying to find STABILITY. Im trying to find LOVE. but a love that is lasting. Lust is one thing...Passion is one thing...that burning passion for one another....its awesome...amazing....probably the best thing out there....but to me....i would trade that first few moments of lust filled passion for an eternity of cuddling...being together...comfortable closeness.

I miss it....and i envy people who have it. I really do. I know what its like and I wish to god i could have it again. And yeah maybe one day i will find someone....and maybe one day it will be great. Maybe the greatest.....maybe the best.....but ya know....it saddens me that each woman I meet could be that potential...and that I know that in truth you really get multiple chances to find happiness and love....but you end up sacrificing others to get to that one.

So I could have found true happiness and love like 5 woman ago.....but instead i have to climb over failed relationships in an effort to reach the top. Wondering if there will even be anyone at the end....And I do wonder....will I end up being alone? Its a horrifying thought. Just like it makes me very sad when i think about the women i dated in the past....some....we just were not compatible....some...we were just at each others throats....BUT some....some.....there was a connection, but for some reason it didnt work out.

Im a full believer in fate and destiny. And i will be the first person to quote to you how things happen for a reason....but seriously...i think some things are not needed. Some things dont HAVE to happen. Think about it. Its true. You scratch your head at a lot going on in this world and wonder.....what the fuck???

I am tired...soooo tired of searching. Maybe its the fact that I am getting older....but im tired of it. Im tired of having to play the dating game...im tired of having one night stands (although they are fucking great dont get me wrong)...and im tired of waking up in a lonely bed without a person to truly care about.

And thats why im depressed...and sad....and thank you all for being my friends...it helps...