Hey SG fam, @missy @rambo @mickey and @lemon
How have you all been?
Im sorry I haven't written in blog in what seems like a a life time, but its quite funny when I think about it since this time last year I was at the UK Shootfest and my last blog was this time last year... Quite poetic really... No?
Anyway! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU!!?? I feel like so much has happened between then and now... Where shall I begin? How about after getting back from the Shootfest?
Mmmmm yes...
So getting back from the UK Shootfest, the only reason I could go in the first place was because @sirenn hooked me up with second job. The plan was to work hard, save for the next SG Shootfest and plan the next holiday... But it didn't go as planned...
At my second job I worked as the Door Girl. One night I was minding my own business and a guy walked in with his friends. I didn't see his friends even though there was about 6 of them. All I saw was him. Asked him a few questions like if he lived locally and that I really liked his style. They all paid entry, I stamped their wrists and that was it... I finished my shift not long after that and when I went inside this young man was standing at the ATM and I thought "Why not?"...
I walked up and tapped him on the shoulder. I asked for his name, if he was single and if I could get his number. To which he told me his name and yes to both questions... And we've been together ever since. I don't mean to brag, but he's pretty incredible.
I don't know if I've mentioned on here before but Id been single for 10 years. Not for a lack of trying but I figured out a couple of years ago that I was attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Or broken men. After "fixing" these guys they'd leave and end up in a relationship with someone else. I was never "the girl". Ive always been the girl before "THE Girl". This was a hard pill to swallow but after this realisation I decided not to do put myself through that anymore and since doing so I had the most amazing man walk into my life.
My 32nd birthday was the most amazing and best birthday I have ever had in my life. My birthday being so close to Christmas is always a let down because no one ever comes to celebrate with me. Last year I had a tropical theme and we went day drinking to all the adult arcades and played games into the night. I got so many photos and my face hurt from smiling so much!
But this is the part of the blog that Ive been thinking if I should write about... We're gonna get a little deep here which I wasn't intending to do and its also why this blog has taken me a while to write because I didn't know how to write about it? But if helps someone else cope and know that its ok to not be ok, especially during this crazy time then I know its worth writing about.
*Trigger warning* - Depression and Thanatophobia
A few years back I had a horrible time realising I had really bad depression and how much Id been struggling with my mental health. At my lowest I wanted to end it. After sorting help from my family and closest friends I started taking steps in the right direction on working through my depression. Ive been off my antidepressants now for 18 months and Ive come a long way since then.
After meeting my boyfriend, we're currently doing long distance and I have to say, I hate it. I never thought that I would ever have been in this situation. But here we are and Ive been dealing wth the distance the best way I can. Over the last few months, especially with the outbreak of Covid-19 its added pressure to adjusting with not having him here. To break up the time of him being away I was supposed to visit him in July, now I won't get to see him until he comes home next year.
This is where it gets hard. Over the last 3 months Ive noticed that Ive been slipping into old habits. Bad old habits. My worst trait is that I tend to beat myself up about what I think are issues and the things I say to myself I wouldn't even say to someone that I hated. Im very mean to myself. I noticed myself slipping into depressed habits, starting to pull away from everyone and cause drama with my boyfriend that wasn't there. Reaching out to my boyfriend and my closest friends again, one of best friends recommended I start seeing a counsellor again.
Another thing that has peaked during this time for me is my Thanatophobia. Its the fear/process of dying. Its weird talking about depression and reaching a point in your life where you're so low that you want to end it, to coming out on the other side and realising that you're afraid of death? Ive had Thanatophobia since I was kid. The part that scares the most about it is the process of dying. Getting old, the feeling of dying, what's next? Is there anything after this? The giant black abyss... Not knowing what comes next. It makes me super nervous which leads to panic attacks about it, but most of the time I can control them. Lately they've been lasting for hours and I can't seem to snap out of it. But the feeling is the one thing I hate the most. My chest tightens and I just want to cry. My hands get sweaty and I feel sick. Even typing this makes me uneasy and my chest feels heavy.
Being alone for so many years, I accepted that I would never be with someone. A part of me always felt like I didn't deserve it? That I wasn't worthy of having such a connection with someone and then having someone who is so wonderful walk into my life and adjusting to someone being in your life to have them leave and do long distance is an extremely hard transition. Having my boyfriend so far away has also brought to surface a lot of unresolved issues for me that I thought I had worked through. But it turns out, I hadn't. Ive been carrying a lot of abandonment issues from past relationships and over this period of time its forced me to work on myself. Its forced me to open up a lot to my boyfriend about my mental health, my depression and all of the baggage I didn't realise I was holding onto which has been scary for me. I keep thinking that I would be too much for him. That he would see how much of a head case I am, how damaged I am and decide that this isn't the most ideal relationship for him. With everything that Ive brought to light he's been amazing at helping me through all of this.
One of the biggest things for him is that he's never been in a relationship with someone who has mental health issues. He's stepped up so much in the last couple of months and asked how he can help. The biggest thing for me through all this is that he's stayed. I haven't been too much for him and we've worked through a lot of hard conversations including if we made the right decision to stay together and do long distance.
On a lighter note, the braces front there hasn't been a lot I can show you? All of my front teeth have moved into place and we're using them as an anchor to pull 8 pre-molars forward and then my 4 back molars forward. Its a long process cause the roots are so long and this will most likely be happening up till the end of the year, which will likely mean my braces will be on for 2 years.
Other then that like most people at the moment we're all just trying to get through the days with all this craziness going on in the world right now. I know I am. Waiting for the world to go back to normal. Since international travel is off the cards till next year (hopefully). Ive been lucky enough to still be working through all this madness but even then its taken its toll and I don't ever remember being this exhausted. For the next 6 months my plan is getting back to me.
If you've made it this far, Thank you. Sorry for such a long blog. I hope through the last few months you've all been safe and I hope this time haven't been hard on you. Im going to leave you with a snippet of my latest set shot by @atlanticlungs called DO YOU WANNA RAVE WITH ME? I haven't had a SOTD since my first set in 2016. If you haven't seen it please leave it some love <3
I promise to wright again soon. I won't leave it so long between blogs x
All my love, Channy xX
