Things I keep thinking about: Alex, Gordon, and drugs. Lemme break it down right quick.
I miss Alex so much. I miss everything about him. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I went to a photography museum today, and the main exhibit was various incarnations of Che Guevara's likeness. And I know he would have LOVED it. And then some guy came in wearing a "spoiler/vote nader" shirt (which Alex owns). I wanted so much for him to be there with me. The scenario was so Alex-friendly.
I don't know why I think about Gordon. Gordon is a beautiful guy with beautiful tattoos and makes amazing art. But he's done so many shitty things to me. Thinking about him makes me sad.
Both Alex and Gordon are exes. But Alex treats me well. He hasn't done anything to hurt me, he genuinely cares about me, he's a wonderful person. Gordon lied to me about his heroin use while we were together, fell for another girl who lives in Texas and didn't even try to conceal it from me (even after I told him it hurt me), and only talks to me when I piss him off. And I've been nothing but nice to him, honestly and truly. I treat him well and get treated like shit.
It's too bad.
And now, drugs. I don't like drugs. Not at all. The extent of my drug use has been alcohol and weed and various pain killers/muscle relaxants. None of which I indulge in now. The only boy I dated in high school got arrested for possession of mushrooms. Gordon was (is?) a junkie. And there are various others I know that have been hurt by drugs. So I don't like drugs. I understand them in a context of mind-expansion and partying...but it always leads to something bigger. Most people are not like me. They don't get over the novelty. However, now that I'm good and depressed most of the time, I think about drugs in terms of self medication. I think about what it would be like to try harder drugs. I want the feeling of a pain-killer haze, if only to numb my uncreasingly pressing urges to self mutilate.
WHICH I DON'T WANT TO DO EVER AGAIN.
Hence, the myriad of thoughts I wish I wasn't having.
I wish I was back in Santa Cruz.
I wish I was back with Alex.
I miss living.
In other news, I just bought an 8ga septum retainer. Lets go UPS.
I miss Alex so much. I miss everything about him. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I went to a photography museum today, and the main exhibit was various incarnations of Che Guevara's likeness. And I know he would have LOVED it. And then some guy came in wearing a "spoiler/vote nader" shirt (which Alex owns). I wanted so much for him to be there with me. The scenario was so Alex-friendly.
I don't know why I think about Gordon. Gordon is a beautiful guy with beautiful tattoos and makes amazing art. But he's done so many shitty things to me. Thinking about him makes me sad.
Both Alex and Gordon are exes. But Alex treats me well. He hasn't done anything to hurt me, he genuinely cares about me, he's a wonderful person. Gordon lied to me about his heroin use while we were together, fell for another girl who lives in Texas and didn't even try to conceal it from me (even after I told him it hurt me), and only talks to me when I piss him off. And I've been nothing but nice to him, honestly and truly. I treat him well and get treated like shit.
It's too bad.
And now, drugs. I don't like drugs. Not at all. The extent of my drug use has been alcohol and weed and various pain killers/muscle relaxants. None of which I indulge in now. The only boy I dated in high school got arrested for possession of mushrooms. Gordon was (is?) a junkie. And there are various others I know that have been hurt by drugs. So I don't like drugs. I understand them in a context of mind-expansion and partying...but it always leads to something bigger. Most people are not like me. They don't get over the novelty. However, now that I'm good and depressed most of the time, I think about drugs in terms of self medication. I think about what it would be like to try harder drugs. I want the feeling of a pain-killer haze, if only to numb my uncreasingly pressing urges to self mutilate.
WHICH I DON'T WANT TO DO EVER AGAIN.
Hence, the myriad of thoughts I wish I wasn't having.
I wish I was back in Santa Cruz.
I wish I was back with Alex.
I miss living.
In other news, I just bought an 8ga septum retainer. Lets go UPS.
if u miss living then why dont u do something about it
lifes a fuckin bitch which constantly works against you and everyone else. u should contest it...the shitter life gets, the harder u should fight back.
get yourself a bike and go for a cycle thru some woods, drugs are nothing compared to nature. sorry i didnt mean to sound all hippy on you.