chanel

This fun passing life never seems to end. A rock and roll coaster through my pulsating veins to my soul.
People will board this roller coaster to this ending of me, this movement towards the inner conception I have taken upon myself.
The person I see in the morning. And the last person I think of at night. That is what I call her.
Shes been with me all my life, is the conception that people have taken upon themselves. The person they see.
So they decide to board and take the adventure a little further.
Yet with all the seatbelts, precautions and soothing words wont prepare you for what is to come.
Not an ever impending doom, but you will be proved wrong.
You will doubt yourself, momemtarily, to actually be dumbfounded at your discovery.

You start at the beginning stage. It happens with everyone, you engage in light conversation with friendly gestures.
Sickening thoughts are nowhere in site. Thats ok, you dont need to worry about that part for a long time.
As long as you stay inside with your hands inside the cockpit, rather then out.
IT only means your scrambling for something more. To make sure your lack of judgement is incorrect.
You relax, your intrigued enough to stay on the bandwagon, rather than jump off when it comes to a complete stop.
Your ready for more, your hobbling up and down in your seat, clutching your chest, more MORE MORE
A soother is jabbed into your mouth. Your recipocate and smile knowingly.
Dont worry, shell take care of you. Hold your hand and make you feel exceptional. Brilliant. Impulsive.

Waking up after more twists and turns, youve discovered you can never get off the ride. Your heart desires it, wants it.
The upside down curls faster, letting you feel completely weightless. Light. Loved.
Its like having feathers brushing up and down the sides of your neck, a smile in the corner of your lips, your eyes dozing to the air.
Your arms are reaching out, to the welcoming sound of slow heart beats and liveliness.
Youve suddenly never felt more beautiful, more awake. You dont even feel the slight pain from the Ride. Your going for more.
Its going faster, and youve got your hands in the air.You know theres more to this then just the seat of the ride.
So why dont you put your hands in the air? You know your not wrong. Moments of confidence and agression flly through your head.
Reach for the stars.

Your going even faster now, Lightening speed. Your eyes are stinging and you cant feel the rails behind you.
Your now officially blind, but the rest of your senses are hightened. Suddenly the journey is too quick, the muscles are stinging in your arms.
Not being able to see whats really in front of you, youve become a defenceless science test subject. A pig in a cage.
Reports are being made, every movement logged down. To be used against you, to have you changed.
You cant even see anymore, all you have is the memories behind you. Tears fill your eyes and your will to live is breaking.
You discovered too much, you had to be locked down. The Ride is still going, yet in circles now. The same place you discovered everything.
The loopholes and run throughs. The tears and the dead. All the same.
Sometimes youll be ignored, and youll feel nothing but dead weight. The Ride hits you harder at these points.
When your not in the dark, the pain increases and the Ride becomes intolerable.
But you still dont get off. Determined to find why the journey became like this, you cling on and cry with all your might.
Shes sucked all of your life energy, yet shes giving some of hers to you, that hope that keeps your chest heaving, your heart beating.
Vivid memories still fresh, your injected with desire and hope.

The Ride stops, and your rolled off. Somebody else steps over you, grinning like an idiot.
Hardy har har. You only got that far? There was only so much more to go. Only a tiny bit left until you reached the clearing.
Where youd find her completely, all that hell you just went through, would dissapear into the distance.
The entire being that was you has been erased, every doubt in your mind would have been answered.
She was there all along, testing you. To see if you were worthy. And you were it.
But there was a glitch in the Ride. Something clicked too late. The darkness shouldve only lasted for so long.
It took longer than expected for her to wake up and pull the lever to a stop and help you off.
Her demons took care of the rest. "She" took care of the rest.

Now your off, riding other roller coasters. But your careful. You gage the risks and read the rules before entering the gate.
But this roller coaster youve placed a ban on for youself. You stayed on for too long, whiplash lingers in you.
Moments and memories leave a bitter taste in your mouth, for you can barely stand when you think of them.
Your heart will stop and its like she's standing right next to you, breathing in your ear, holding your hand.
Thoughts like these leave you angry and resentful. You should have gotten off earlier, you start blaming everything around you.
Everything but her for awhile. She took so much out of you, and gave so little in return.
This consumes you, till you reside in loneliness. You reach out to others, screaming for help.
Your standing alone now, in the amusement park, with nothing but a desolate cry.

Now, you dont even think of it anymore. That whole journey, the Ride, you barely remember.
Youve washed it out of your brain, down the sink into oblivion. You dont really give a fuck what happens anymore.
Sometimes she will come around and strap you in again. But after the first loophole your off. Yelling insults and feeling even more pain.
But the demons are gone, and the Ride is new. Clean and untainted. This is a gentle ride she wants you to fall in. No traps, no speed.
Yet you could care less. With all the flashy signs and pleas of excitment, you wont get on again. You swear by the life of you that you wont.
She cries out for you, begging you to come back. Her cries go unheard. You walk away, with that silent elevator music in your ears.
One billion reason she could give you to come back. But the memories still shine deep in your heart, and your not letting go.
You dont want to dig into the bruises further, pry open old wounds. Youd rather them heal and move towards the other shiny rollercoasters.


She has new passengers now, but she lets them off after one joyride. Shes gentle and careful. Mature. It even gets compliments from others.
But she only longs for a certain someone, who will no longer even so look at her, let alone talk to her. Youve stepped so far away she cant see you.
Her arms could be bloody and lifeless, but you would still turn away. Youd leave her to die, because your that resentful.
Is that what it would take? For her to go off the tracks?

Im guessing it would. Because no matter how hard she tries, she gets the same answer every time.
Your pain has become so beautiful and desolate, that she cant even get through.
Nobody can find you. Youve stopped riding roller coasters all together.
And that hurts the most, because she feels responsible, and so incredibly lonely.
She misses you, your love and your pain. All of you.
To be beautiful and trembling with love, with you, and no roller coaster noises in the background.
You and I.