It's been a long time since I've written anything. I Moved to Florida and there's been a lot to do. I was spending some down time and got to thinking about the past and all the lies that were ingrained into me that I still fight to this day. The lies are all faceless giving me no one to blame but I guess blame is just a distraction from facing my demons. I've never had anyone there to point out the truth or help me keep from being consumed from my own self loathing. I don't pity myself nor do I want pity. Some people suffer more then others and there are plenty that suffer greater than I do. There is no rhyme or reason to life and no purpose to peoples joys or sufferings. Asking why is pointless and anyone who says they know why is just trying to convince themselves that their torment wasn't meaningless. Existence is just a unceasing series of incalculable reactions with no greater meaning. This may sound depressing but to me it can be freeing. It means that we are free to do what we want. There is no signs we need to look for, no cosmic force we need to follow, and there is no penance that must be paid for our past sins in order to move forward. Our lives are our own and we can do whatever we want with them without ever having to look back. Despite this freedom, a lifetime of emotional scaring drags on me like chains in the water. Just like physical scares my mental scares fade extremely slow and some are too deep to ever completely fade. I can see all the hurt and pain for the lies that they are but knowledge can never sooth the enduring sting. It's as if there was for more damage done then just some slashing and piercing; it's as if part of me was cut free leaving me hollow and empty. When I'm still, devoid of distraction, the ache is suffocating, a longing that can never be sated. I battle every day not to succumb to the emotional anchor weighing me down. The Joy of friends and family do ease the pain and give me relief. The loss of my friends due to the move has been quite a blow. They may only be a phone call away but I still feel very alone. Although I guess in a way I've always felt alone. I'm too warped for most to understand or accept. There's only one person who I felt knew the real me but I unintentionally burnt that bridge. Everyone else I learned through trial and error what was acceptable. A mask for each person, tailored to show just the parts of me that they can accept. I ache for that person that will know and understand all of me and still love me. I guess that's what a lot of us are looking for. I ache for it now more then ever. But right now I just want to find some people to have fun with even if they can't handle all of me. All I can do is make the best of what I have. Focusing on anything else is a waste of time. I won't deny my feeling and I'll do what I can to work through them but I won't let them control my life or dictate it's direction.
